all i do is lie to him;

scream the hatred i feel into the void

tell him i wish he were gone from my life

but all i want

is to hold him close

is to whisper the love i feel for him over and over

until it is inherent to who he is

until he knows that i would do anything for him

but i can't.

i am bound by fate

to be his enemy

to hurt him over and over

and i can't change that.

and it makes me feel sick sometimes,

when i see the heartbreak in his eyes

i know he wants to say it too

"i love you"

a shout into the empty night sky

a sweet decleration under the covers

but it cannot be controlled.

and so i hope and pray and wish

that he knew i was lying

that all the harsh lies i spit out

cover up one beautiful truth.

When I was a really little kid, (Think about 53 years ago) my parents took me to see a Disney nature film. They were fabulous especially to someone that had difficulty understanding human beings.

There was a scene in which a Lynx was chasing a Rabbit in deep snow. The Rabbit was using twists and turns keeping the Lynx to always just be missing to get claws into the Rabbit. Eventually the Rabbit got away and it seemed everyone in the theater breathed this huge sigh of relief and people cheered and clapped.

I sat there thinking but wait, the Lynx is hungry and it’s cold out.

I wanted to feel beautiful

So I ate nothing but roses

So that I could absorb their beauty inside

And blossom outside

Instead

Their thorns tore my throat apart

And I died with roots entangled with my ribs

I look out the window into my backyard that is covered with a perfect layer of snow. The snow is untouched and gives a level of peace. I sit here in my small room happy at peace with myself; knowing I have no struggles or troubles. I do not have to go to sleep, being kept up at night with all my worries and troubles.

Life is perfect and great. My struggles have been long since over. I look around my room, the place I consider home, and see myself. See the person I am. Not just the person I show others, but my true self as well. The true balance I have in life. The internal peace that keeps me well and happy.

I am capable of anything and I am not struggling in life. I am happy where I am and I slowly grow in all the best ways. I have the best people around me and my relationship with my girlfriend is wonderful and perfect. It is what everyone wants in a relationship. I could not be happier with my life and who I am. My future holds all the success of the world.

I wish this was all true, but the only truth in that is the perfectly laid snow in the backyard. The snow looks lovely and at the moment it brings me peace and happiness. Life is no easy task and puts me through hell, but I can wish and hope for it to be bigger. I can get kicked down, and kicked while I am down time and time again, but as long as I get up and keep moving forwards I have something. Once I stop moving forwards I lose what I have left of myself and lose it all. One must keep moving forwards even if it is one small step at a time. Once you stop, you have given into the other side--you have quit and lost. Do not do that. Keep moving forward.