We were let out for dinner, then celled-in from then on. I sat and wrote, Helena, I wrote to you and a thought occurred to me. A thought of you. It wasn’t just the writing from the cell I have in regard to who you are, it’s the writing I’ve done my whole life to you. I wanted to think that one day, on the slim chance that I go free from this, that I can look back on this and tell people that this letter was me banging the drum to my god from the cell. But that would only cover a small part of it. I’ve been bowing to you since day one, and in here that didn’t change or get amplified, it did better than that. It remained. It remains and for that I love you with my life, Helena. I love you with whatever I had, with whatever I have now, and if death is the only thing that waits for me beyond this cell, then I will love you with death.

I breathe in and out. I am tired of hearing noises that are so displeasing to me, and I retract myself from everything. I hide myself in a cocoon of music. My earbuds are in. I turn on whatever I want to listen to. This is my light, my shelter, and my peace. In music I find serenity and hope. When darkness seems unavoidable, music always has a way of fighting it off and piercing the darkness with a beam of brightness.

an inch of gossamer trapped in a galaxy of concrete

a dalliance short and sweet amidst a hurricane of heartbreak

sea glass wedged beneath miles of sand and stone

I have dug deep to build this home

fully prepared to sacrifice my grace if it means saving my only safety

candles were never bright enough to guide me

I will need a bonfire to find what's gone

but you will need no magnification to see what's wrong

a novel

brilliant and lifesaving stacked with a plethora of biased text books behind a politician's desk

the law was not always written

but one day people forgot how to listen

he says he fell in love with the way

I wrote things on napkins

because the texture appealed to me

and I never realized

how romantic I had become

until I felt his lips move

a deck of tarot cards

shuffled in with aces, threes and jacks

I've spent my life telling fortunes

to people who never come back

I've spun spider webs from duct tape and watched as my knuckles bled from greeting the wall one too many times

you have whispered you wish I could tell you

every poem

inked onto my wrist

because I have a collection of words

that have washed into the ocean

but dear fish, if you find them,

please don't ever bring them back

I don't wish to relive black

a love letter slipped between report cards

a star stranded in the city lights

sometimes I take off my glasses

to see the world all blurry

and I think everything looks softer

which is dangerous

when you're around knives

so check your eyes

and remember

everyone is blind

maybe I'll only ever write

one thing worth being read

or none

but it's worth it

to get this shit out of my head

Beauty in grey

Lately, I've seen her

A rainbow on her hand

In the path between tombs

Skin like porcelain

A creepy smile on her face

Footsteps as quiet as the silence

What attracts me more

Is her black hair dancing to the wind

Stare from her dull eyes creep within me

Not subtle

It comforts me

The light in my darkness

And I don't even know your name

Female or male, neither or both

It doesn't matter, not even a name

The internet hides it all

And we fall, free-fall

Into the unknown

Writing

Spinning tales thousands of pages long

I smile whenever you message me

I squeal whenever you call me "hun"

I cry when we kill off a character

I bawl when they bawl, cheer when they cheer

Because they are us, 1868230b

We rescued each other from the digital abyss

You are my light, this is true

And I don't know where I would be without

You

Often when I find myself alone, and in blissful silence I do like to have a good old rummage through the drawers of my mind. Very occasionally I unearth long lost fragments of memory that sort of pop out from some cranial nook and wish me a happy day before darting off someplace else to hide.

Fortunately I managed to grab a hold on one segment before it could vanish, I held it up against the light and examined it from each and every angle. It was a snip of memory, a tiny loop of video that kept playing and replaying itself.

It was of a place long forgotten, green grass, hazy sunshine, a notepad and a young girl who was asking me to hold a pose while she sketched me, just a young child, one of many in this play area.

When she finished the sketch she showed me it and I gazed upon it in open mouthed amazement.

I didn't know people could draw that well.

Then it looped and played again, and as hard as I looked, I couldn't see any faces, just her with her notepad, the other children laughing and playing, and me, stood there awkwardly.

Then I let it go, and off it went back into my filing system. And I watched as it flew away.

And I realised that we never really forget anything do we? Every day of our lives is stored on our hard drives, and we can either pull out snippets of memory to enjoy, or just kick back and enjoy the constant slideshow that is always playing in the background.

Such a huge amount of memory that one day will dissipate as my brain liquifies and is flushed down some autopsy drain, me, my memories and my whole life just trampled underfoot.

The light in my darkness,

The soul in my heart,

Is what sets me and,

that terrible Bitch apart.

The warmth and the glow,

As I toil each day.

The pain and the misery,

Can all go away.

When I pull out my pistol,

And I point to the mark,

One small little squeeze,

And my world all goes dark.

A figment of imagination. There is nothing in darkness. True darkness is a piercing empty white light. Silence torments the mind, white silence rips the flesh from your body and strangles you with it. True darkness it blinding from within as well. Claws tear at your inner walls, hollowing out any last remains of your soul. There you sit in belonging bright dark. Exposed and exploited for all to ridicule. Just wondering there why the fuck did this absolutely have to be me?