Sleep deprivation steals the tears that I feel welling in the bottom of my stomach. The song is on again, but I can't keep skipping it. I can't keep being afraid to listen to it, especially since the thought of deleting it eviscerates me. This will never go away. I will always mouth cuss words and a part of me will always cry when the voice seeps into my ears. Its not his, but I wish it. I would do nearly anything to have it again.

A part of me refuses to give up, and I don't know why. I don't know why I hold on so tight to pyrite and cubic ziconia. I don't know why my heart always believes that as long as I keep the hallway to that half-open door, it'll either close on its own or he'll come back and close it. I used to believe that the person would come back one day, but I'm tired of waiting for the magician to reappear with my wallet.

I have always shaped my life around people I want to be in it. I stay up late because I don't ever want it to miss someone passing by. I listen to everyone and give everyone a chance because I've always heard from peoole that I'm the only one that's ever done that for them. It has never stopped anyone from leaving, and though I try to remember that it has helped me be a better person for the people here now, I'm always wondering what about me drove them away.

Worrying myself so much will give me a heart attack one day. Me, dead at twenty because I was worried about someone else. It sounds like a Modernist short story. To spend your whole life waiting for someone is pathetic, but it's all the human race wants, as my desperate attempts to get under someone have proven. Im critical of the men trying to match.com themselves a wife put of me because I hate them. It should be effortless like before. It shouldn't be a stream of questions reminiscent of an application of The Bachelor.

I dont write as often about what I "feel", not only because emotional writes have expired in February but because I'm scared. I don't want to be seen as a bitch. I don't want to offend anyone. I don't want to look weak. I don't want to accept that I may have loved someone. I dont want to think that said somebody could ne hurt or dead or, worst of all, be perfectly fine and left because he didn't want me around anymore. I dont want it to be the first two and for me to live knowing I was upset/hurt at a person who had no control over this. I don't want to be the fool that takes the poison again despite the signs that it was indeed poison. I just want to get through it already.

[possibly inspired by real events]

"You need to dodge."

"I'll be fine, it's nearly dead."

"So are you. Dodge."

"No."

"You are deteriorating faster than I can heal you. Just dodge."

"I suck at it!"

"You're going to suck at surviving in a few seconds."

"I can kill it first!"

"Why can you not use the other joystick to simply move out of the way??"

"That slows down my kill time. I can handle it."

"Did you put any points into dexterity at all?"

"Of course not. I pumped it all into strength and constitution."

"This could be why you've died five times more than I have."

"I still level up. Once my stats are high enough I'll be fine."

"When you hear the word 'tank', do you not also picture a mobile armed attack unit?"

"Pretty sure your skills reset already, you wanna heal more and harp less?"

"No, I want to address the underlying player health issue here."

"Really?"

"Dodge, or I will stop healing you."

"Let me die and you'll have no one to pull aggro."

"Alas, if only I had a living, moving tank."

"Fine, we'll both die together."

"I hear I will still level up."

"Whatever."

"Indeed."

"..."

"..."

"Is there a block button? Maybe I can block."

"You're actively trying to provoke me now, right?"

You cannot simply get over death

You cannot escape the tears

You cannot hide in the closet

Or shut the door on your fear

We're all afraid to die

Minds too small to see

We kick and scream and cry

But acceptance is the key

I miss all of my friends

The sound of their voices

I wish they weren't dead

Fated by their choices

Grief must be fought through

There is no way to cheat it

Payment is certainly due

To those who couldn't beat it

I cant get over him,

His smile, his laugh, his everything

I would pay a large sum to be able to forget he existed

That way I wouldnt have to deal with what I felt

That way I wouldnt have to face the consequences of my yearning heart

I feel guilty for the feelings I hold

I dont want to share them with anyone

I dont want to let him know

But I have no choice

I will face this head on

I will not get over it

I will not get under it

I will go through it.