I am submerged

below my flood of tears.

Can’t gaze

through murky vision.

My arms flail

trying to swim

through emotions

impeding my struggle.

I am drowning

I grit my teeth

to stay the flood

from sobs flowing

through my soul.

Perpetual grief

adding to my misery.

My despair darkens

like sky’s sorrow.

Fissures weep

spitting blood of angst.

Chaos speaks

through thunder’s hammer

and lightning’s smite

Please, lend me

your heart

to float on before

deep watered threat

conquers

and takes me under.

Expel my torrents

from body and breath

before I gulp

the cascading torment

and nothing remains

but muck and sludge.

Quench my need

engulf me

immerse me

inundate me

wrap me

in your warmth

quell my pain.

Gasping like you can't get enough air

Your cheeks aflame, you wish you were somewhere, not here

But you can't disappear

You never go anywhere

It's straight out of your worst nightmare

Though you try your best

Your heart feels like it might beat out of your chest

And you mumble a prayer as you stand up ungracefully from your chair

The whole class will be in for a treat

As you walk to the board

Your boodstained pants surely can't be ignored

Your teacher waits patiently, hand ready

You hand in the test and return to your seat

With your stomach churning unsteadily.

You're all alone, scrolling through Instagram on your couch at 2 in the morning, and all of a sudden the thoughts start to surface.

Those little insecurities, telling you that you aren't good enough.

That no one cares.

That the people around you would not notice if you were gone.

You try to push them out, but they batter insistently at your skull, trying to get in, trying to make you break.

The scissors sit oh so tantalizingly on the countertop, just give in it will all go away soon, but you can't because you promised yourself you would never do that again.

1.5 years clean, you can't throw that all away.

But the thoughts hammer harder and harder, you can breathe, you're drowning.

But the one thing that can finally give you a breath of air is off-limits.

That silver-clad blade that gives and takes life all at the same time, is something you long so incessantly for, something you can't breathe without, but you can't allow yourself to breathe, because if you do, you will lose yourself in the freedom breathing gives you.

So you sit,

And turn up the music much louder than you probably should,

And try to ignore the thoughts trying to shatter your self-worth and identity.

But ignoring it never works.

You keep drowning.

The feeling might go away for a while, but it will always come back with a vengeance.

You are dying.

Choking.

Suffocating.

You are drowning without water.

And there is nothing you can do about it.

And never will be.

How does it feel to drown?

I haven't the slightest clue.

Maybe I do, but I mustn't mind the sensation.

Torture me if you will.

The pain amuses me.

Take everything away from me-- that is if you can find anything.

I have nothing to lose anymore.

Absolutely nothing.

I had hardly anything to begin with.

The rest of it? Well, I've burned it all to the ground.

You can't erase me from the face of the earth.

I was never written on it.

I can't leave anything behind when everything stands before me.

You say I'm out of my mind, but I don't think I've ever had one of those.

You said my heart should probably be broken by now,

But I mustn't have one of those either because I'm just over here laughing.

Laughing at the flaws and scars. Laughing at the pain.

Laughing at the things I've lost and things I'll never gain.

Laughing in spite of myself, as you stand here wondering who's really got the upper hand.

When all your attacks are futile because I'm begging you to try harder.

I've apparently lost all feeling.

Maybe I've gone mad.

Absolutely mad.

Crazy, delusional, demented, even.

Here I go, drowning in my madness.

But, just like a fish out of water,

I've learned to swim in air.

Lungs coated in sorrow

Eyes filled with despair

Bony limbs sprawled in the sea

I've always wondered what drowning would be like

Longing for it like the end of a boring movie

The water flowing down my trachea

Burning like hot cocoa slipping through frail fingers

Limbs reaching for everything and nothing at all

Neurons flying, landing nowhere

Begging the lungs to expand

To take air again

But the will to live is already gone

But now I don't have to wonder

I know drowning is like falling from the cliffs

And knowing I'm not going to make it back

Not caring to make it back

I know drowning doesn't burn

It freezes my veins into glacier

Takes emerald eyes, makes them cold marbles

I wish I could feel something

I'm already so far under

The undertoe has decided that this is my time

That today will be the day I know what the sea floor feels like

Waves flurrying, kissing me goodbye

Salt water hugging me until I cannot hug back

I'm already too far under

And my mouth opens for the last time

To scream or give up

Either way, it's already too far gone

To over complicate the simple,

To go over and over the simplest thing,

On and On,

It never stops.

Your mind is whirring,

Rushing,

The thoughts flying in your mind.

Your heart will speed up,

Your pulse beating faster and faster,

As the anxiety possesses you.

As your body starts to heat up,

Your hands begin to sweat,

Your breathing begins to rush.

You try closing your eyes,

To end the thoughts,

To perhaps end the worry,

But eyes open,

Eyes closed,

It's all the same.

It doesn't,

It won't

change.

It won't ease.

It won't sleep.

It won't rest.

It won't end.

The worry is continuous,

It worsens.

Pacing now,

You try to relax,

To assure yourself,

Tell yourself that it's okay

It's going to be okay.

But in the back of your mind,

You find the thought,

Or thoughts,

That caused it all.

The water that filled your lungs.

The fire that burned your skin,

The knife that cut you,

The rock that hit you.

That's it.

Just a thought,

That will never stop worrying you.

Never stop nagging from behind your mind.

On and On,

It continues,

Maybe the same thought,

Or thoughts,

Or maybe a new one.

A new seed that was planted,

Nurtured by the bully in your head,

That grew into something quite scary to you,

As the process will begin again,

And again,

And again.

Over and over.

15.6.2020

Have you ever wondered if you could drown without stepping into the ocean?

Without even taking the first drink?

To be broken

Like a flimsy token

At the arcade you played at as a child, shattered by emotion?

Ever wondered what it would feel like for some force to enter your lungs,

Fill each air passage,

Climbing up like the rungs of a ladder,

To have some unknown matter

Clatter up your spine,

Then rewind and blast the breath from you like a gun,

But have nothing around you that could cause such a sensation?

No?

Neither had I.

It just happened.

I saw her first when I was fifteen.

The sheen of her hair

And the gleam of her stare

Made me feel

Like she

Was a queen

Age fifteen.

I talked to her, and I was scared to death.

With each breath,

I felt like I came a little closer to death –

And a little closer to life.

I

Felt like I was above the clouds,

But the air

Is thin up there.

Something crept into my lungs, I swear.

This was the first time I felt it,

And kept me from breathing from the time she said my name

Until she waved goodbye that day.

I did not know what it was,

But I thought they called it “love”.

When I was seventeen,

She was mine.

She was my Athene,

And my Aphrodite.

She was my evening star,

And my sun bright shining.

She looked at me,

And her eyes were shining.

With her fingers, she traced the lines of my lips.

With my fingers, I traced the curves of her hips.

Like a script written by the greats,

I said how much I loved her.

She told me that she loved me, too.

I felt it again.

It started in my gut

And pulled itself up

Into my lungs, but

It really stopped my breathing

When she began leaning in to kiss me.

The lips she had traced

Embraced the lips I had dreamed of so oft.

They laced so perfectly together

As they held their place,

Racing one against the other

To go farther,

As far as they could.

I did not know what it was

But I thought they called it “passion”.

When I was twenty-one,

She was my moon and sun,

Undone before me

On the night we became one.

Dressed in white,

She said, “I do.”

I did believe she was my life,

My all and all my truth.

We held each other until the morning light,

Without the fright

That the night lends those who do not have someone to love.

I knew her name as I had never known before,

The door was closed,

And we gave each other more

Than we had ever given before.

She touched to my chest,

And with it, she carried the feeling.

It went reeling through my body

As each breath was sucked from me.

With each of those shallowing breaths,

I felt like I was coming a little closer to death,

But with each breath I felt her breathe,

I thought I was a little closer to life.

A life ever better with my wife.

I did not know what it was

But I thought they called it “happiness”.

I saw her for the last time when I was twenty-two.

I never knew

Why she flew from our home.

Like a bird that could not be kept in one place,

She needed to feel the wind beneath her wings.

She needed things

I could not give her.

I gave her silver and gold,

A hand to hold,

And a shoulder to cry on.

She needed to try on other faces,

Other places,

Other arms she could wear around her like bracelets and necklaces.

When I saw her this last time,

She had a new pair of arms.

They held her like I once held her.

She said she no longer loved me,

She drew me back down from above the clouds

With the help of those arms,

And that did me more harm

Than she will ever know.

The blow she dealt knocked the air out of my lungs,

And I felt it again.

Something crawled into those lungs

And chased out the breath.

Nothing was left when it had left.

She was gone

Along with all my will to live.

That will that she had given me

She took away.

My breath never returned after that.

I did not know what it was inside me,

But they told me it was called “anxiety”, “depression”, “pain”,

And a million other things

That could not bring her back.

Have you ever wondered if you could drown without stepping into the ocean?

Without even taking the first drink?

To be broken

Like a flimsy token

At the arcade you played at as a child, shattered by emotion?

Ever wondered what it would feel like for some force to enter your lungs,

Fill each air passage,

Climbing up like the rungs of a ladder,

To have some unknown matter

Clatter up your spine,

Then rewind and blast the breath from you like a gun,

But have nothing around you that could cause such a sensation?

No?

Neither did I,

But now I know.

It feels like her.

The minute you heard the news you ran out of breath

How did they expect you to react to your lovers death

Your whole body aches for a moment with them

A strike of fate that you strongly condemn

Now your lungs are all out of air

You have been thrown into a state of dispair

You feel yourself sinking

Mindlessly drinking

Searching for numbness

Trapped in this glumness

No sight of the surface

Too drunk to be nervous

You say your goodbyes

And close your eyes

Preparing to see them again

In a place the human mind cannot comprehend

A plunge into the abyss

Letting the world wilt away

Hands coating your throat as you pull back on sticky terror

Panic is a parasite

And you are not in control

Fear is an overlay on your body;

Oxygen is smothered in it

It should be simple to follow the command:

Breathe.

But you cannot.

Breathe.

But you’re trying!

Breathe.

Please.

There is a world between life and death

It feels like you’re standing on the edge of both

If you breathe now,

Where will you be?