Have you ever

looked over an edge

and felt a sort of

invisible weight

pressing down on

your frozen frame?

Every end

to a stable platform

leads my thoughts

to the unstable

emptiness

that comes from

o n e

s t e p

f o r w a r d.

Every time I look down

with h o l l o w eyes

and mystified lies

my heart beats slower

(as if it knows

I’m okay with the way

the ground sways

closer

beckoning me

to let go.)

Every time

I lean over

an edge

my mind

p l u n g e s into rivers

swimming about

in thoughts

rushing past me so fast.

(fear courses through my veins like ice).

When I stand

close

to my death

my limbs

f r e e z e over

(I can’t move, I can’t move, I can’t move).

You’d think

it was the distance

between

me and the ground

that I am afraid of.

But it isn’t the falling

I’m afraid of;

It’s the knowing

that I want to

take that one step forward

into the unstable abyss

that jolts me backwards

with heavy breaths.

“I’m just afraid of heights” I say

but really

I’m afraid of myself.

i carry in me

this fear of depths.

why would you be

scared of heights?

i kept dreaming

of standing on the rim

of a swimming pool

and as i looked

there was no ground.

i am scared of

never knowing

when the roller coaster of my life bends and rushes

down with me.

i am scared of

deep connections

of letting them to my core.

i am scared of

drowning

in the waves

and in my head.

and of falling

into this hole

and not getting out

not getting out.

Stars and Comets

glide in golden

beams.

Foul rubble flees,

gone to perish

free.

Lost in nothing,

consummed by all

weeks.

Dirt trembles, coughs

up dry specks, days

move

Like the Comets,

and burn like the

Stars.

If I seek too

much will I make

it?

Cease!

I ponder nothing...

Just Stars and Silence.

Heaven knows if my mind wins,

God only knows

my mind wins...

Hectic stars and shadows

spark and glow

nothingness just goes and goes...

I

I'm afraid

Of the words not spoken.

I

I'm afraid

of the things they imply.

I

I'm afraid

of the things that I can't do

I

I'm afraid

That I'll fail if I try.

I

I'm afraid

That I'll wind up incapable

I

I'm afraid

That I can't be enough

I

I'm afraid

when the gates will spring open

To get through to heaven,

that I'll have to bluff.

I

I'm afraid

Of that sick in my stomach

I

I'm afraid

That I'm only a lie

I

I'm afraid

of my need for attention

I

I'm afraid

of my need for the sky.

I

I'm afraid

of my hands that are shaking

I

I'm afraid

of the tears on my face

I

I'm afraid

that all my good intentions

are simply a way

to reflect my faux grace.

I

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid.

I

I'm afraid.

to face what I hear.

Once I asked myself

What's my greatest fear?

What am I afraid of the most?

Which terrifies me the most?

And

Answer immediately pops up:

It's life

Without

I'm afraid of silence,

but too scared to speak.

I'm afraid to be vulnerable

but strangers know my secrets.

Vulnerability makes me

as sick as eating does.

The fear of long words phobia or Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is often considered a jocular or fictional phobia; however, that is not the case and long words phobia is actually very real and does exist.

Nah I'm just kidding.

Being forgotten's it.

Fear resides in me everyday

Waiting for the next ball to drop 

The next gun shot to let out

The next person to die

When will it stop

Death, it’s become so normalized in today’s society

Waiting for death has become normalized

When will it stop

Carpe diem 

That expression is used as if it’s supposed to make death less scary 

It doesn’t

Because in reality death is scary

And that’s why fear resides in me everyday