if time had stopped

i would’ve held you tight

and never let

you go

if time had stopped

i would have stayed

and you would be

okay

if time had stopped

i would’ve never left

i would’ve kept

you safe

if time had stopped

you would be alive

and i wouldn’t be

alone

There's so much I want to tell you

but there is no time.

I want to tell about my day, yesterday

and all my lonely days

before I even met you.

to talk about my all my travels, trips

future vacation plans

and my life journey too.

I want to tell you about my school life,

college days,failed careers

and everything in between.

I want to talk about my goals,

my wishes ,inner yearnings

and unfulfilled dreams.

But I look at my watch and realize

there is no time.

If time had stopped

I would have made you listen

and tell the truth

and understand

that all your fears were unreasonable

and this was not the way.

If time had stopped

I would have kept you close

and never let you go.

If time were to suddenly stand still in this very exact moment. This is what I would do, walk across the bay 30+ miles away from my own home. Walk up to your doorstep and stand. I would contemplate what I would say, do, act. Proceed to walk 10 more miles west to the golden coast stare myself in the eyes of the blueness of the water and ask myself why. Why bother, she was just a 30 mile walk, 30 miles of contemplation to hurt yourself again. 30 miles of painful steps knowing you are gone, knowing you won’t be coming back. Not because you are dead, but because you left me dead. Dead in my tracks, dead in a standstill of time that I can’t escape. I’ve been stuck here for 6 years of heartache with suicide as the answer. But I can’t seem to pull the trigger. You knew what you meant and you knew what I meant when we said I love you. But I’m here. Ten miles west of your house. Where you sleep while try to drown out the sounds in my head of my tinnitus clicking and clicking why can’t it be the gun instead. Why can’t I escape this paradox you left me for dead in.

if time had stopped maybe i could change everything

maybe i could catch up on my work i’ve been procrastinating over for the longest time

maybe i could learn to love my mother more

i could walk out in the streets and look at the frozen people, wondering how their days were going to be

i would gaze upon sunlit sky and breathe a sigh of relief

i have time

i have time

i have time

i’ve always wanted this

to be able to move so thoughtlessly with no worries

i would hate everything a little bit less

to wander around the streets of the city,

and perhaps sneak a few extra ice cream samples in

all the while admiring the faces of those who appeared to be having a good time

would be bliss

heaven upon earth

my own pocket of nirvana here on this hopeless world

alone

just with my own thoughts

maybe i could tolerate myself

yes, maybe i could tolerate myself

if time had stopped

If time had stopped

I could have saved you

I wouldn't have heard

your body hit the windshield

and seen the cracks

that spiraled across

the glass and your forehead.

if time had stopped

what damage would it have done?

the world would’ve stopped spinning

and somewhere a grandma would be

baking her grandchildren cookies

another

would be hugging their children goodbye

knowing fully they’d actually see them

later

if time had stopped

what damage would it do?

except some would still be locked up

in a cell made by people

who can’t look at her twice

without seeing something they hate

some would be

burned

beaten

murdered

If time had stopped

would it have ever stopped the pain we’ve caused each other?

or would it have remained frozen

and endlessly

repeating itself?