I saw your obituary

It was a cloudy day you died

It was a Sunday,

I remember I cried. 

It was sudden

You died so young

They said you died happy 

And that your life was fun.

But I wish I had

Held your hand

While it was warm

While you were still breathing

And while I was torn

I tried to be bold

Before you were  cold

Before I was bleeding

And old. 

I've been through some hardships

But none like this

Feeling my whole heart 

Torn to bits

You died from cancer

but everyone knew

My cause of death 

Will be you. 

But I wish I had

Held your hand

While it was warm

While you were still breathing

And while I was torn

I tried to be bold

Before you were cold

Before I was bleeding

And old.

Hold my hand while it's warm 

Hold my hand while it's

Hold my hand while

Hold my hand

Hold my

So hold my hand

While it's warm

While I'm still breathing

And while you are torn

So try to be bold

Before I am cold

Before I am bleeding

And old. 

Hold me while I'm still....

{v. 1}

you were an angel to me even before you died,

 you were never really human 

I saw it in your eyes 

you were perfect in every moment of your life

and I laid me down and let the feelings grow

I didn't even care when they started to show

They exploded inside me, 

I didn't try to set them free 

In time

{chorus}

I was stupid for loving an angel, you didn't belong here on Earth

You were a soldier, to me you were perfect 

And you didn't know your worth

I felt so angry at all my feelings 

I tried to set them all aside

And I didn't notice when you were gone

Till I felt a coldness by my side

{v.2}

And damn I miss the feeling of you

Even though you never loved me

You were an angel and now you have wings

And you've been set free.

{repeat chorus}

(written January 2016ish)

How can I stand here in the sifting sand

As you fall

As you fall

How can I cry out when I know I'm all alone

Have to stand tall

Gotta be strong

{Chorus}

How could I

See you near

When you're far away from here?

How could I

Cry to you

As I tremble with fear?

I know you;re dead

Know you're gone

Why do I sing this song?

Cause pain leads no where

Leaves me standing here.

{Verse 2}

How can I stand here blind with my feet touching Earth

As you fly

As you fly

How can you watch from heaven with a smile on your face

As I cry

It's all lies....

{Chorus 2}

How do I

Love you still

When your spirit has been killed?

All of these

Memories

Make me fall to my knees

You're okay

But I'm not

Gotta act like I forgot

But i can't.....

Oh I can't.

How could I?

I'm scared of you, 

Scared of trying anything new.

I'm impaired, it's true,

Trying now to stare at you. 

Because my eyes can't see the light

If I don't know how to fight

I still feel the coldness of a love long gone

And I cannot let go, you can hear it in my songs. 

But if you lead me home

I'll find my way back

If you take my hand

I'll learn from what I lack

They call me emotional, cold and stubborn

And now you know that I loved another

But if you're willing to care for me

I'll care for you. 

I am blinded by my sin 

And I have a tendency of giving in

People like me because I'm gullable

And thin-skinned

I want you to see me as strong

But I can never move on 

If you're willing to see past my weaknesses

I'll be willing to see past all of this

I need

To trust

You more.

I need 

Another cure.

But if you lead me home

I'll find my way back

If you take my hand

I'll learn from what I lack

They call me emotional, cold and stubborn

And now you know that I loved another

But if you're willing to care for me

I'll care for you.

I'll care for you

I'll care 

written 4-5-16

I'm afraid of your touch

Because I fear you'll hurt me

I'm afraid to be loved

I've always wanted to be free

I don't want you to see

The monster inside of me

I try to be strong

But inside you'll find I am weak

So if you hold me tight

I'll forget that I want to let go

If you feed me the lies

I'll forget all the truth that I'm told

Because I want to get away

Want to see the world unfold

But I'm just too afraid

And I'll be stuck here till I'm old

Please stay away

Because then you might just see

The bad things and you'll find the monster that

Lives inside me

If you knew me you would stay away

If you loved me you'd find another way

But I can break these walls down for a while

And start to smile

So if you hold me tight

I'll forget that I want to let go

Just tell me the truth

Though I never wanted to know

I can't face reality and I live in my dreams

I need more than a friend, someone to comfort me.

When we first met, neither of us could see

So you must have loved my personality

Your hair smelled of strawberry

I was full of myself, you were full of me.

You loved me until I wasn’t feeling the same

You hurt me, you tore me, covered me with shame

Your lips on my lips, I couldn’t tear away

All you wanted was for me to stay.

But you hurt me, you scared me, I’m forever scarred

Now circumstance has us torn apart

I just hope I don’t see your unseeing eyes again

Would it have been better if we just stayed friends?

You and I walking together

Hearts beating in time, we're birds of a feather

You and I will die together

Through slamming doors and stormy weather

We shut each other out 

Because we can't handle the parasitic twin

At the same instant we shout

And God, I wish you'd just let me in

You're still drowning in sin

You and I drifing apart

It's too hard to share the same heart

One must live and kill the other

One must die at the hand of his brother

You and I hurting together

Vocal chords snapped cuz you're light as a feather

You and I will die together

I was once your umbrella in stormy weather.

I once tore across the skies

I saw my reflection in everyone's eyes

I was never caught by surprise

And felt nothing, nothing at all. 

I once sailed across the seas

I once survived through a disease

I once was strong and danced with ease

And felt nothing, nothing at all. 

Well now i'm broken and I'm torn apart

You tore a rip right through my heart

And I'm scared of becoming my own enemy

And feel everything, everything, while trying to stand up tall.

Well now I'm chilling and cold outside

But you know i'm just on the cynical side

I have been everyone but me

And feel everything, everything, while trying to stand up tall. 

Where have you gone?

Why have you left me

To drown in my sorrows?

Why did you leave?

Did you search for 

Better tomorrows?

Who do you think 

You are?

Now I feel nothing

And I am fine with being

Completely alone

I just thought

You needed me too

I guess I am wrong

It's usually you

Who is unfeeling

I feel guilty

For who I've become

After all

Why do I feel 

So small?

You left me so lonely

Why did you hurt me

Why didn't you even leave a note

Why are you silent

Why don't you answer

Why can't you pick up the phone

You are so stupid

Conceited and quiet

You think no one knows what you know

If you want to leave, 

Just go. 

But who

Do you think

You are?

And why

Do you bear

Those scars?

After all

We're all so 

Small. 

You don't really know me

You just think you own me

You like me when I'm happy

You enjoy me when I'm laughing

You like me when I'm fake

When life's a piece of cake

You don't really care 

I don't think so

I don't think so 

(I don't know)

I don't know how to fake

And make you think I'm great

Am I not worth your time?

I know, I don't mind

Don't lie to me, no don't you lie to me

If you don't like me

Don't say you don't mind me

What are you, why are we both lying?

You don't like me when I'm changing

My emotions dissarranging

You like me when I'm simple

When you think I have a real soul

It's not replaced

It's not replaced

You sit and watch me be erased

And I never thought

That I could ever say

I like you better

When you're farther away

Your face is unclear from a distance

Your look of shame

Your look of shame

(You look away)

I don't know how to fake

And make you think I'm great

Am I not worth your time?

I know, I don't mind

Don't lie to me, no don't you lie to me

If you don't like me

Don't say you don't mind me

What are you, why are we both lying?

Why are we both lying?