My skin is crawling with disease

My thoughts are racing with such ease

And as my vision starts to blur

I know they'll never find the cure

I'm stuck with restlessness of mind

My coping skills, I have applied

But nothing saves me from my head

This voice inside, it wants me dead

Just when I think you've left for good

And free my body from this hood

You circle back & hit me hard

Reminding my flesh why it's scarred

I start to panic & deflate

Breathe in the fumes of all my hate

It fills me up with poisoned views

I need to cut, I need to use

Once I was brave & full of hope

But now I'm weak & cannot cope

Surrounding walls, they bleed to black

I'm unprepared for this attack

Around my throat, you tie the noose

To stop this cycle of abuse

I kick the chair & end my pain

An undetected withered vein

I'm a living failure

Distraction

Subtraction

Just a living disgrace

Cursed upon my birthplace

I have a new condition

A mission

Depression in remission

I am a creation

Trashheap 

So cheap

Just another mistake

I will make your heart ache

I have another question

Cranium congestion

I won't hesitate to use you

Laugh as I abuse you

Killing everything you love

Cursing all the gods above

And everything is falling

I am another challenge

Fighter 

Biter

Just another reject

Something you can regret

I have to break apart

So I can break your heart

I am just a criminal

A faker

A taker

Just another homicide

To compliment my suicide

I have to hold the gun

I'll load it as you run

I won't hesitate to use you

Laugh as I abuse you

Killing everything you love

Cursing all the gods above

And everything is falling 

You can call me every single name that's in the book

I'll only trample on your wishes

Fuck your mind with just one look

I'm inhaling all your magic and I'm swallowing your blood

I place my tongue upon the blade

And hold you underneath the mud

You'll see my name is on the television; I'm a movie star 

My fingerprints are burnt into your skin

You kneel before your czar

The temptation of your body makes me want to cut a slice

I'll feed this sexual addiction

And your venom is my vice

I've been plagued with this aroma that's been haunting me for days

I want to trap it deep inside my ribs

And set my heart ablaze 

The clock is ticking time away as love starts to erode

You have stolen all my memories

A new life I am owed

As the sun descends beyond the west, you're covered up in dirt

I remember every moment 

That you ever caused me hurt

I feel a sense of closure as the blue & red appear

I've swept you underneath the ground

And now my mind is finally clear

Procrastination is what I do best

For when you are on my mind, why do anything remotely productive

I recall the words spoken to me ever so easily

Too easily

I fear your truths were merely camouflaged lies

We never did kiss, but the want was there

You laughed and looked away

Sitting across from each other we shared our secrets

Not just shits and giggles, but closets opening to reveal our tattered skeletons

The night grew cold and your body moved closer to mine

You slid your fingers into place with my own

Our body heat combined melted the rest of the world away

The spell had already overtaken me, but you fought the urge

I should have known

I should have seen the doubt

The fear

Your hesitant eyes

Oblivious love

This sickness inside of me making my bones brittle and my skin sheer

Muscles too fragile and organs too weak and shriveled to ask you for answers

Three words will never be said aloud

I refuse to make it real

I will continue to sit across from you and imagine the taste of your soul

A smooth river of honey

It sticks to my lips and drips down my chin

I wipe it away ever so delicately

For to waste a drop would be a sin greater than no other

But this is just a dream

A wish

A figment of my imagination

Unrequited

Unresponsive

Unresolved

My thoughts are left to dance alone in the dark

They wander through a deep forest never truly finding their way home

Suffocating on sap and pricked by pine needles

Mother Nature is a bitch

She deceives as you deceive

Your sweet nectar is so misleading

You claim your knees grow weak, yet you walked away from me just fine

You claim you can barely speak, yet you converse with them all

I remember we spoke of our stories

The ones that define us

We sorted through our baggage and traded clothes

Promises were made to be broken

Dreams were dreamt to be crushed

And still, I think of you

The sun will rise and set

The moon will fall

The sky will fade to white

And still, I will think of you

I know you don’t think of me

You keep busy and have more important ideas to bring to life

As for me, I will continue to do what I do best

For when you are on my mind, why do anything remotely productive

As I get older, I long for closure

A foolish little girl

I lost my heart, I lost composure

Such a foolish world

It stings & strings us all along

until we reach our end

We twist, we turn, but don't belong

It breaks us till we bend

I gave my hand, I gave my heart

and all my pretty things

Gave up the chance to break apart

and mend these broken wings

You stole my time & clarity

So delicate & weak

Now drowning in austerity

and too afraid to speak

Raped of my home & sanctuary

Manipulation won

I've analyzed your commentary

Fallen number one

As I get older, I long for closure

A foolish little girl

I lost my heart, I lost composure

Such a foolish world

I wish I would've met you on the other side

Beaten down & pushed around

A broken bride 

I wish I would've kissed you underneath the sun

We could've fucked around and had a lot of fun

Now I hear you're sober & you're feeling clean

Moving from the pills onto a new extreme

But this how the story goes & I'm just fine

Medicated royalty

I am divine

I wish I never followed through your darkened haze

Stumbling around inside your little maze

I wish I never looked into your emerald eyes

Fallen for your promises

Lies in disguise

But now I'm getting older & I'm letting go

There are just a couple things that I need you to know

My broken heart is healing & I'm moving on

The memories will be there, but the love is gone

I wish you well in your own hell, it's where you'll stay

Even clean, your covered wounds will still decay

I still remember every word you ever said

Thankfully, it's not a crime to wish you dead

I apologize, I think I'm lashing out

Now that I have learned what you are all about

I wish I would've met you on the other side

Beaten down & pushed around

A broken bride

I wish I would've kissed you underneath the sun

We could've fucked around and had a lot of fun

This circumstance

We meet by chance

Our blue romance

Your stone wall stance

A mind so free

A heart so pure

Too hard for me

Your insecure

Withheld

Withdrawn

I'm just a pawn

These open wounds have come & gone

This love has strings

You make me dance

Your puppet sings

Our blue romance

I'd kill for you

You'd die for me

You shield your eyes

I cannot see

I know you care

I feel it there

You walk away

It isn't fair

I grab your hand

We understand

Bury our fears under the sand

Let's run away

And consummate

but not today

It's now too late

Your stone wall stance

We've lost our chance

What could have been

Our blue romance

I can feel myself getting better

But then my head says never, never, never

I can feel myself losing all control

There's a moment where I kill myself

Just a moment to be someone else, else, else

A single moment to feel whole

My brain has flipped another switch

My bones begin to shake & itch, itch, itch

I can't help but self-destruct

Chemicals combining that should not

My conscience starts to rot, rot, rot

Now my recovery is fucked

A bitter scent trails through the air

I'm on my knees to say a prayer, prayer, prayer

I've lost all sense of time

I've come to terms with feeling broken

Embrace the words you've spoken, spoken, spoken

This deceit should be a crime

False is now consuming what is true

I wish to start anew, anew, anew

I can feel myself getting better

The pills are finally kicking in

Let happiness begin, begin, begin

But then my head says never

I am gonna let you use my love for you against me

You are now my God & I am merely your devotee

I am gonna let you use my love for you against me

I will wish this all away & hope it sets me free

I am gonna let you use my love to your advantage

My knees won't let me run away; if only I could manage.

I am gonna let you use my love to your advantage

Waiting patiently for you to come, in spite of all the damage

I am gonna let you use my heart to practice your aim

You're changing all the rules to keep me failing at this head game

I am gonna let you use my heart to practice your aim

I continue to give everything while your stance remains the same

I am gonna let you use my heart for entertainment

I am the submissive in your dominant arrangement

I am gonna let you use my heart for entertainment

Waiting for the day you find a worthier replacement

I am gonna let you use my kindness as a weakness

This love was never meant to shine but bask in constant bleakness

I am gonna let you use my kindness as a weakness

Pretending that the tone of this is meant to be facetious

I am gonna let you use my love for you against me

Stupidly, I'll hold on tight without a guarantee

I am gonna let you use my love for you against me

I will wish this all away & maybe one day I'll be free

By now, I've lost my senses

And all of my defences

I'm crawling through the trenches

Falling through the cracks

I've boiled all my insides

Muffling the soul cries

I'm tainting baby blue skies

Hating what I love

I shield my eyes to see it

Seclude my mind to be it

And cage the beast to free it

Running from myself

I starve my needs to sickness

Stretch the skin to thickness

Slip the slope to slickness

Sleeping life away

I've finally reached the endgame

Insanity is my name

Chemicals are to blame

Hollowed out my head

My pain is full of beauty

Bittersweetness fruity

Death is a human's duty

Lay me down to rest