Every day without you is a day without meaning

I can't unsee your crimson life

Ebbing from your internal strife

It pools like tears on the floor

And I want to run for the door

But I can't leave yet without a cleaning.

I sit beside you and stroke your tranquil face

Your silence worse than a thousand screams

Your eyes closed as if in dreams

There is no movement of your chest

As though you're in the deepest rest

I ignore the noise around this frozen space.

My lungs threaten to collapse from my weeping

Your memory falls as a cherry bloom

Drops to the ground just to make room

For the cherry, juicy and sweet

To provide a delicious treat

But you are not gone; you are only sleeping.

Every day without you is a day without meaning

I can't unsee my crimson life

Dripping from my internal strife

It pools like tears on the floor

And I want to run for the door

But I can't live yet without a cleaning.

I wake up on this cold, frosty morning

Sunlight glitters off dewdrops

The air is cold and still.

I watch as the city begins to wake

Slamming doors, starting engines

The day begins again.

I withdraw from my window and its view

Saddened by the ignorance

Nobody seems to care.

I think of that bridge--it held life and death

Weighing your life--you said worthless

What a horrible lie.

I stand frozen before your memory

Wishing myself gone instead

But I won't let you down.

I say that, but I constantly fail you

I will try, but I fall down

I'm sorry for everything.

Sly grin

That's my Jin

You enhance the room you're in.

Hair tug

Surprise hug

Wrestling matches on the rug.

Fun date

We both skate

Time with you is always great.

Sweet kiss

You're pure bliss

Care for others--on your list.

Warm lips

Ignore quips

We'll both wear our jeans with rips.

Your love

And my love

It was a gift from above.

**TRIGGER WARNING**

The buzzing in my ears

To block out my fears

The glistening in my eyes

To kill what terrifies.

I try to tell my mind

To relax and unwind

That I am in control

But days did take their toll.

I am seeing white

Have I lost the fight?

The pills--I took five

Why am I still alive?

The crimson from my wrists

Falls into empty fists

The red tears of my pain

Are draining out again.

Two months hard work destroyed

I tried so hard, but could not avoid

The haven for my loneliness

The outlet for my brokenness.

An empty, lost waste of space

Walks unseen--without a trace

I hate this life that's ruining lives

The world's better if I don't survive.

They say it's all a lie

Why should I even try?

She told me to go die

I thought of reasons why.

One, I know some would be sad

But others will be very glad

Two, I burden lives I love

That won't happen up above.

Three, I disappoint and fail

As I watch the crimson trail

Failure after failure grin

Smiling up from my ugly skin.

In a moment of weakness I will cry

"Does anyone hear me?" to the sky

An echo back is all I hear

My hope begins to disappear.

Though much damage I've incurred

I sometimes with I would be heard

Mental windows flung open wide

A dangerous mess you'd find inside.

Would anybody be my friend?

Love you, sister, to the end

But you are miles, miles far

I cannot go by train or car.

What am I doing wrong?

Alone I have been so long

I try to hold up, to be tough

But my efforts are never enough.

My parents only are secure

My peers find me hard to endure

I struggle to conversate

My breathing hitches--this I hate.

It's not their fault I face rejection

I bring about my own dejection

I know to them I look quite strange

But also I refuse to change.

Snide remarks behind my back

Ignoring hurt's a skill I lack

Or hurled directly at my face

I will never find my place.

Thus I've learned to never trust

Lest they shove your face in the dust

I desperately want to end this fight

And be free to roam the night.

Every day since senpai left

My heart is like a house bereft

Of life, of love, and of breath

I failed to stop my soulmate's death.

I replay moments, though they bite

Talking, skating, wrapped in light

But also pounding your bedroom door

And seeing you, sobbing, on the floor.

You, my Jin, who seemed so strong

How could I have been so wrong?

I'm sorry your needs I didn't meet

That twilight you fell to the street.

**POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING**

I smile at you

Heart aching, mind still

I want to know you

But my fear I can't kill.

I'm dying inside

They're laughing and talking

So smooth! I tried

But alone I'm still walking.

Only you saw my mask

Past to me behind

You took it as your task

The real me to find.

We tore down me walls

Slow progress, brick by brick

You caught my many falls

Who better could I pick?

Rebel dear, have no fear

We'll kill your fear when I am near.

Rebel dear, have no fear

I will wipe your every tear.

Angel bright, you're my light

With you I know I'll win the fight.

Angel bright, you're my light

Hold me close and hug me tight.

Rebel dawn, don't be gone

We'll carry on, we'll carry on.

Rebel dawn, don't be gone

Never again walk alone.

Your still form

(this is not happening)

Your blood staining pavement

(I can't breathe, the lights are blinding)

(It's all my fault)

(I was never good enough)

(Life is so precious)

(Please don't take it away)

So young, hadn't even graduated

(I fall to join you on the ground)

No career, no wife, no family

(Afraid to touch you for fear of hurting you)

No joyous years to come

(I can't resist. I brush the long black hair from your eyes)

No weathering the darkest storms

(I hear a scream. It can't be me)

No fulfilling dreams at college

(Shameless tears fall. I press your cold hand to my lips)

No giving me your last name

(I whisper. Jin, please. Please don't leave me)

No dancing the night away

(Deep down, I know the truth. The doctor confirms it)

No cuddling and watching anime

(I kiss your forehead and breathe you in one last time)

No cheering me on at competitions

(The flames rise, replacing your shell.)

No letting me assure you of your worth

(Haka. Not life. Haka. Not home. Haka. Not us)

I stand at the edge of the bridge that took your life

A thousand emotions in my head and heart

The people swarm past me

I am unnoticed

No one would care if I jumped

But I can't betray the memory

I am trapped

Between guilt and longing

I'm being torn apart

Inside

Is there truly hope out the window?

I don't know

And you will never know

What truly lies behind

My mask of lies.

Another day alone seems nothing

Because it's all I've known.

Crying behind my eyes

Death does not terrify.

Even though I smile, I

Fight to stay strong. My mind

Goes back to that moment;

Hating my weakness

I regain control

Just for an hour,

Keep trying to stay clean but I

Love my pain, and I can't

Make things better since it seems

Nothing matters when you're not

Over the moon and across the sea.

Please help me, give me answers to

Questions I'll never ask.

Running from the demons

Saying I'll never be enough

That I'm worthless and I'm better off

Under six feet of earth;

Viva la bella muerte

Where all is undone and I am free on

Xis-- for I will never see

You again on this earth till

Zenith of my time has come.

Little girl crawling, walking, running

Young and free and full of dreams

Little girl silly, sneaky, cunning

Thinking up the wildest of schemes

Little girl learning, risking, growing

Young and free and full of dreams.

Little girl dancing, leaping, bounding

Young and hesitant and full of dreams

Little girl worried, trying, striving

Hoping she's chosen for the teams

Little girl hurting, laughing, crying

Young and hesitant and full of dreams.

Little girl skating, singing, performing

Young and wild and full of dreams

Little girl shunned, dropped, rejected

Her mask is not all that it seems

Little girl living, hoping, loving

Young and wild and full of dreams.

Little girl working, serving, studying

Young but grown with fewer dreams

Little girl scared, struggling, doubting

A path for future life does gleam

Little girl caring, protecting, treasuring

Young but grown with fewer dreams.

Little girl working, serving, studying

Young but grown with broken dreams

Little girl shocked, damaged, crushed

Ghosts of memory around her teem

Little girl battered, bruised, and bleeding

Young but grown with broken dreams.

Where can I find

That little girl

Young and free and full of dreams?

Ryota

Diligent, broken, fearful, loving

Daughter of China and of Japan

Lover of peace, music, and all

She is frightened, confused, and hopeless

She fears her failure, rejection, and loss

She wishes she could go back and make things right

But she's only one girl in Nagoya, Japan

Fujikawa

Insignificant

Forgotten.

Cloaked in shadow, moves with grace

Steals in glory, or without a trace.

King of destruction and decay

"Run from him," so they say.

He strikes suddenly and it stings

But he carries the fallen on angel's wings.

My old friend, why should I fear you?

Take me away to peace eternal

Where pain and sorrow are forgotten.

My friend, take me away

I want to go home.

**possible trigger warning**

I'm your only friend, the only one who is always there to see you

I'll always be there for you when you need me to help you feel

I will mark your skin to remind you of every time you've failed

I will make you afraid to reveal what you've done

                     But trust me, it is for your own good

          I'm always waiting to drink your pain; I feed on it

It may bite and sting for a moment, but it's completely worth it

No! I won't listen to you! I am valued, I am worth it, I am loved?

Please, does anyone hear me? Please, I just want to believe.... ;

;