My legs were heavy , every step was lifting my weight in one foot. I believed i walked, but i barely moved. It's OK , baby steps are the first steps right?

"You need help"

"See a professional"

"it's time to do something"

Numerous phrases repeating in my head, echoing through my skull.Noises filled me inside ,wrapped me ; isolating the whole world. The passengers' eyeing me , gazing at my body movement. But i couldn't care for the heads that turned. I wasn't there, i was detached, away like watching from afar

I scratched my head, rubbed my eyes, bit my lip till blood came out , I hummed a song i don't know , a lullaby to soothe the sounds in my skull  

I looked at the sign hung above the door , shivering with fear, all i could read was 'come and be judged over here'

I entered a room, smelling like sorrows, white and empty , A picture with a man whose eyes follow

I felt chills going under my skin, i watched the hair standing  feeling like i'm home still

the first time their skin met 

the stars exploded inside her

spraying dust and magic in her blood

filling in her lungs and pumping in her veins

the first time their fingers intertwined 

like a flower closing its petals on itself

the comfort of a home of your  own skin

that is it, a foreign touch  that

became so familiar you can call your own 

the serenity, the chaos , the beauty

a mixture of contradictions

made together to form a poetic love story

that is doomed to end

I don't believe it was easy for me to admit my flaws especially this one , this one flaw ,which pushed me to further alter my self , can actually hold the responsibility of my social anxiety

I am a bitter person with the essential meaning of the word of envy and great jealousy of others happiness and success

when someone is joyful i find myself wondering why i can't be joyful too or as happy as they are

when someone succeeds in a task i failed i can't help but envy them, question my ability then the ways they reached their success 

And i fear that whoever is reading those words might think i am a bad person which i'm afraid i am 

This defect is really confusing , for i often think i am a good person i don't judge nor do i hurt my surroundings but when i find myself angry or sad because my friend succeeded whilst i didn't make any steps forward i question every morals and ethics i have 

i wander whether i am a pretentious poser who just lies and double face her way through life

and as hard as it is to write it down i can proudly say that once i find myself amidst its thoughts i refuse them and instantly dismiss them and i am proud of that because i acknowledge my flaws but i do not accept them 

all i hope is that these faults do not render me a corrupt human 

there is this distinct thought that lingers in my mind, one that came at one distant time and decided to dwell  it is the certain believe of NOT BEING ENOUGH, and as lame as those words may sound to its reader nothing can be more hunting than the thought of being less than acceptable

The special thing with this concept is it is multi-optional , it can be used on any thing 

Do not sing your voice is too high too loud it is  out of tune, listen to that one wow what a wonderful voice why couldn't you sing that way

Do not dance damn you look like a wooden doll your body is not made for beautiful gestures watch how that person just moves like it is how he lives wow what beauty too bad you can't do it 

Do not write your words are too lame you are a disgrace for pretending to be a writer you can not call yourself taht you are a poser

Do not do not do not

now compare yourself to every one else and notice the perks they have and the flows you have

why can't you be like that her or him or they whoever it is but you

This illness as some may call is pure torture 

it takes the laugh out of the best moments of your life 

it saddens you when in the happiest 

leaves only regret and self loathe 

i wish to know that someone made it through this one

and wish for nobody else to go through it

because now all my memories are just stained with the side effects of regret 

I do not know if you understood its notion but imagine a sound telling you whenever you smile to hide your teeth whenever you dance to sit down and whenever you live to stop

a hidden murmur of an unknown monster that is scarier than all the villains of my childhood stories 

a one that you can never face as long as it stays behind you

and whenever you try you turn around you find yourself facing all the mistakes and the blown out chances of finding contentment

I do not know the name of this merciless monster but i know he is the reason i repulse myself  and feel like a downer everywhere 

I want to be out there but he keeps dragging me to isolation and i am so desperate to run away but he clings so hard that now he is just a part of me 

I am sorry for whoever had the bad luck to cross my path if i ever put you down forgive me i just helplessly try to get better

the thing with deception is that it is merciless it doesn't not come slowly giving you time to take breaths in between  but it settles down in one sudden move between the cracks of your bones and the missing pieces in your soul and something downs you and your body becomes heavy like it is not yours you are carrying but a dead weight of a body long ago thrown

I write this while i shiver wondering how long will this one last , i tasted every bitterness there is but this one, this one is different this one is rude it came suddenly unexpected and certainly unwelcomed and now i feel like drowning again 

i've been teaching myself how to swim for so long and now i am afraid i didn't learn

the weight is too much to float and too stubborn to sink to the bottom it is always like this always i beg for air amid the cold water i reach for the light but it never comes i do not know where i stand exactly and at what end i am stuck in the middle of nowhere and it is hurting and i can feel myself getting bad again 

you took everything with you 

forgot to close the door

left only the chaos inside

infesting my bones

old pictures sliding in my thoughts

swallowing me whole 

i always believed i was strong enough, always thought that i am capable of all the rocks life shall throw but i now find myself down with a hit of a pebble

i am not strong nor am i solid , i am fickle weak and breakable and i hate myself for that

i gave my all to the wrong people something i never thought i would do, i always thought my self as this discrete person but all my secrets have found away to get out

, i thought myself to be independent and now that i am alone i feel the ground shaking sending chills to my stomach nauseating my body buzzing acutely  in my mind

i am scared ; all the chaos is crawling everywhere lurking under my feet and i feel my self drowning

 i am panicking my brains out, sleep never heals my constant state of fatigue, air never sustain my constant need for breath and pain never ceases 

 i am terrified my brain is killing me pulling all the strings in my head tampering me like  a doll my life is the long running play and my feet are shaking 

i am screaming, no one turns around my nightmare is this world i have no voice i can't be heard

i am sorry i lied to me, i pretended to be someone i can never be , i was made to believed i am made of steel i never realized i am as tenuous as a the sewing thread i desperately need for my fractured bones

i am tired and no other word can better describe my status, i crave rest for my mind and body but my soul is set on self destruct and it is too late to run away 

The void in his voice 

echoed within his laugh

loud and contagious

but abandoned and timed

like a hunted house

full of unintended corners

covered with dust and filth

rooms so black only the silhouette

of a hiding skeleton can be observed

a phantom chased by what has gone

and who have gone with it

surrounded by a halo that 

like magic , pulls you into the unknown

without moving your feet

he swiped his fingers on the windows

looked at the traces of the dirt in his hands

then watched through the window

as the time passed by