You open your mouth

And I stare

Your tongue twists and turns

Making a melody out of your words

Your native language

And the one you learned as an adult

Blend together so beautifully on your lips

I smile at the sound

And you begin to blush

You think you’ve misspoken,

Misused,

Made a mistake.

You ask where you went wrong

How to improve

And I laugh again at how different our point of views.

I am smiling at the miracle of communication

And human connection

I am admiring the perseverance

And intelligence

It takes to retrain your mouth

And your brain

To make room for more words and rules

You think I’m teasing,

Correcting.

You speak my language

But how do I make you understand?

I worry about your mother

I wonder if she’d have preferred another

If she’d have imagined a different kind of woman for you

One who’s softer

A woman who’s manicured edges aren’t a facade

A distraction

A woman who is more table manners and philanthropy

Than swears words and old memories

You open your mouth

And I stare

Your tongue twists and turns

Making a melody out of your words

Your native language

And the one you learned as an adult

Blend together so beautifully on your lips

I smile at the sound

And you begin to blush

You think you’ve misspoken,

Misused,

Made a mistake.

You ask where you went wrong

How to improve

And I laugh again at how different our point of views.

I am smiling at the miracle of communication

And human connection

I am admiring the perseverance

And intelligence

It takes to retrain your mouth

And your brain

To make room for more words and rules

You think I’m teasing,

Correcting.

You speak my language

But how do I make you understand?

I’ve been thinking a lot

About what you did to me that night

The act that you partook in

The act you made me a part of

The act that could have taken a part of me

That could have created another part in me

I’ve been thinking a lot

About how remorseless you were

How you held me in your arms

As I grappled with what you had done

To me

Not with me

As if I had left my body for a time

And returned to a new dimension

One where I could not trust you

As I had believed mere minutes before

I’ve been thinking a lot

About the terror I feel at seeing you again

At seeing your name pop up on my phone

At hearing stories of what you’ve been up to

How your life has continued

Stories from people who have no idea

You tried to take a piece of me with you

But I will not allow it

As I told you that night

You are not welcome to any part of me

Words unsaid

Words unread

Thoughts unwritten

Without permission

Leak from my eyes

Leak from inside

Spill my soul

My truths they are told

I am not ready

I am not steady

You stand tall

Unbent by my sorrow

Willing to be my tomorrow

But I

I am too scared to fall

When I was a child I fought and fought with my father

I wanted to go down the street

Around the corner

Just the next street over!

And a stern "no" was always the response.

I would beg and plead.

I would get cry and scream.

And my father would get frantic as well

He could see the resilience in me.

He sat me down at the end of each tantrum

Spoke to me on my level

Spoke to me with fear in his eyes, fear dripping from his lips.

"You can be the fastest

The smartest

The strongest

You can be better than any man - any place

But there will still be people out there who want to hurt you

Just for taking up space.

I refused to accept this

It just could not be.

How was I supposed to grow up

In a world that hated me?

So I ignored all of his warnings

I ran wild and I ran free

Up the block

Cutting corners

Two, three, even four streets over.

I got lucky, little me.

I made it to 10

Made it to 12

Made it to 14

Before I had to accept what I had seen.

What I had done

What had been done to me.

Not every girl gets that far.

Have you ever wondered

What I wonder about?

Do you ever ponder

The things that make me pout?

Does it bother you how much I hold inside?

All of the dreams, desires and fears that I hide

The thoughts you'll never know

Emotions I'll never show

Conversations I refuse

In preparation -or is assurance?-

That your love

I will lose

[Seasons: A Table of Contents

The flowers in bloom

Us in my room

Body to body

Skin to skin

You were my only

I was your forever.

The sun circled on.

The weeds grew, though we never saw.

Summer passed us by and suddenly

Suddenly winter had come

And all we had was the past tense]

[Temperature rising

She looks forward, not at him

But he, he is unable to look anywhere

But at her.

She does not feel the heat of his gaze

She is oblivious to the warmth of his love. 

For her heart is cold.

As she stares off into the distance

She searches, though unsure what it is 

She hopes to find. 

She can feel the cold inside her chest.

She closes her eyes a prayer that it won't spread. 

With no knowledge of her thoughts, her worries,

her icy pain. 

He reaches for her hand. 

It, like him, is warm. 

She turns to him and meets his eye

Lighting a spark deep inside.

And she realizes what it is to have hope

And she realizes she does not have to be so cold] 

[Lusting

Tangled hair

Needy stare

Legs bare

Soul exposed

Heart protected

Pain expected

Fear consumes

But desire wins]

[Good morning

He opened his eyes and stretched,

Arms extended way overhead.

She laid next to him sleeping silently,

Taking his breath away.

He smiled and stifled a laugh,

Stifled the words he wanted to say,

The words he craved to hear in return.

Or maybe, maybe now he would practice.

He snuck another peek at his sleeping beauty.

Butterflies grew in his belly,

Fluttered up through his throat

And stole his voice.

So he mouthed the words

And pressed his lips to her forehead

So that she awoke knowing.

Feeling,

Smiling up at him.]

[Home

Home need not be a place

If you look closely you’ll find that shelter

That comfort, that warmth

Tucked in the fine lines of a familiar face]

[Sanctity

Interlocked fingers and interwoven lives

A shared adoration and a shared address

Marriage can be written so simply

Defined so succinctly

But it is so hard to keep alive]

[An apology

I reach for your hand 

But I grab onto the nothingness that lies between us

You promise to be there

But the darkness is truer than your words.

The darkness has never let me down. 

And in your eyes

You eyes, which are pouring admiration down upon me

In your eyes I see the reflection of others'

Your handsome lips move

Your lovely voice speaks to me

But I can only hear the broken promises

Of those who came before you

I am sorry that I cannot love you]

[How

How do I say

"It's not me - it's you"

How do I say

That although I know your heart

Though I've seen it to be true

"It's not me - it's you"

How do I say

Thank you for the date nights

The late nights

The times you held me tight

I truly wish that to say this

To end this

That it didn't feel so right]

[Understanding.

There were no stars overhead, he knew, he had checked.

The moonlight illuminated nothing but her tears. 

He had no idea how they ended up here. 

Her shoulders shook as she sobbed. 

His shirt grew wet but he held her ever closer. 

Tighter. 

He wanted to absorb her pain,

A pain he knew nothing about past its existence. 

Its prevalence. 

As he searched for a star, a sign,

Guidance.

He saw only the blackness of the midnight sky stretching beyond the horizon, 

Into infinity. 

It was then he knew:

This was the feeling deep in her chest. 

The incomprehensible darkness of the sky mirrored it to back to him.

And then the moonlight illuminated his tears too.] 

[Tonight

Grab another tissue

Politely close the door

Let your guard fall down

Let all pretense hit the floor

Your makeup will smudge

And the mirror will reflect

The heartbreak, the emotion, the pain

That you've spent all day trying to neglect.

You kept your bottom lip stiff

Your jaw remained square

But now, in the dark of night,

In the silence and solace of your recent solitude

You cannot help but tremble,

Crumble,

Shiver,

As you take off your boots.

Darling, do not concern yourself with tomorrow.

Inevitably, it will come.

Give in to tonight,

To the stars

And the moon.

Give in to the cool night breeze

As it caresses your skin,

And fresh air filters into the room.] 

It kept me up last night

Though I didn't tell you

I let you sleep

You softly snored

As I absorbed the darkness of the room

And allowed my mood to mirror it

For it is only in the silence of the night

That I let myself acknowledge it

Or the lack of it

I do not want to admit

That I feel nothing

That I dream of nothing

That I continue to progress

To place one foot in front of the other

Only because I do not know the alternative

Only because the alternative

Is also nothing