Do you think I don’t know?

Do you think I don’t notice your whispers, your stares, your laughter at my form?

It’s true, I’m not thin. But who are you to judge?

Unlike you, I am confident. I can come to this cafe and sit, drink, eat alone and be content. You cling to your boyfriend’s arm, looking fearful every time he tries to get up.

When he sits back down, the stares and whispers start.

So go ahead and look, go on and laugh.

Your words are meaningless when you’re the one hiding behind glass.

-If you have something to fucking say, come say it to my face.

I have spent years collecting demons

and locking them up within me.

I used to think that if I stored them inside myself then they wouldn’t be able to run around and hurt anyone else.

I made a habit out of making them a home.

I made a cavern of my soul and I search for these malicious entities and give them a place to go.

I do my best to protect everyone else because I know what these demons are capable of and when I’m in pain I try to shrug it off because I know I’m strong enough to handle whatever these monsters throw at me.

Most of the time.

But carrying these lost and empty souls gets tiresome. It wears my body down and I have scars on my arms from where they’ve tried to claw their way out my skin.

But it’s worth it. Always.

The more pain I contain, the more I can help others heal from their own. I’ll sink my nails into their hearts and pull their demons up by the bootstraps, trapping them in my fists where I’ll squeeze them until they ooze out between my fingers like play-dough.

Once I’ve wrung them dry, I’ll pull them inside of me where I’ll nurse them back to health because I can’t stand to see any living being suffer. No matter how bad.

So I’ll keep trapping demons like I’m Pandora’s box...

and I pray that no one ever lifts my lid to release what I’ve spent years collecting.

/Ish-ka Bay-tha/

Noun

1. Rivers from above rise and bubble in our kettles. Leaves, roots, and flowers mix with the clear magma. Our cluttered minds set at ease for a moment before the heat bursts in our hands and reminds us of our mortality.

2. Gentle tides caressing the inside of your lips as your tongue churns them into whirlpools. The rapids that begin at the back of your mouth that bash and leak and feed into the waterfall that roars down your throat. Drops of liquid fire that stumble down your cheeks to meet with the gentle tides forming inside your brackish water cove.

3. Rain numbs the mind and sweeps away life’s troubles. Droplets that seep through your skin and turn your veins to ice. A beacon for troubled wanderers. The key to salvation lies in a pitcher. What drowns our flesh in life, saves and makes clean our souls in death.

/Kee-yol/

Noun

1. The way your friend’s laughter bounces off the walls in your dorm’s lobby at 2:30 in the morning. Imitations of donkeys and horses echo making it sound like you’re inside a barn somewhere in the countryside. You manage to pull yourselves together enough to only wheeze out hushed giggles because you don’t want to wake the RD. The quiet settles in for a few moments before the donkeys and horses return and you’re surrounded by walls of noise and tired texts from the residents you awoke.

2. Your dog barks at the loudest and highest pitch possible. Your ears start to hurt and the glasses in the cabinets start to crack, but you don’t dare to tell her to stop. Tail wagging, tongue licking, she’s just so excited you’re home after being away at school for so long. All you can do is sit there on the kitchen floor as she jumps and wiggles in your arms, her barks vibrating your core.

3. The sound of slamming doors and heavy objects hitting the wall resonates deep within your skull. You see nothing but red as your throat drips internal rubies from yelling for so long. As you grasp the wall, you can feel your energy seeping into it, sealing this moment of cymbal crashes and bass drums being ripped apart into the concrete and drywall forever. Laying on the floor, your salty tears burn against the rubies in your throat, but you are finally still enough to hear the symphony of silence and find some peace within its melody.

How I miss the clear blue sky

And the rough wind that knocks over the lilies.

Varieties of birds fly over the trees

Every feather of their wings touching the blue sky.

I sigh.

Long has it been since I’ve basked in sunlight.

Often have I neglected to allow myself this pleasure.

Vexation fills me from not allowing my ears to hear the music sweet.

Even though my bones ache with need for its sound,

Deaf to music’s noise will I be till I return.

Yet in my dreams, I am not so far away.

Everything I long to see, is attached to you in my mind.

See yourself in my lines my darling, for all I say is true.

Have I loved? Yes.

I have, and what I loved was you.

10th of April, 2018

And you’ll climb

the stairs to heaven.

Leaving behind stars

that will struggle

finding peace with

the absence of your light.

But we’ll learn to burn brilliantly in your memory.

Perhaps it’s because your eyes are the calm that fog brings when it settles after a storm.

Perhaps it’s because your kisses are the confidence the mirror tries to steal from me every morning.

Perhaps it’s because your embrace holds me tight enough to pop all my broken pieces back into place.

Perhaps it’s because your voice is sunbeams coming through a stained glass window.

Perhaps it’s because the idea of you gives me enough hope to pull through until we meet.

I learned how to forgive in the same way I learned how to smile. Inhaling the pain like it was a sweet aroma from a garden fresh with blooms or from a bakery that just pulled blueberry muffins out of the oven. Parting my lips, I exhaled the truth through my teeth and I internally begged my tongue to not be mistaken for being coated with silver.

I learned how to forgive in the same way I learned how to dissect sharks. I took a scalpel and sliced through my anger like it was a sandpaper hide and I stuck my fingers into the dirtiest most vulnerable parts of my soul and pulled the water logged acceptance up by the gills through the bile and laid it on the table to air out and breathe.

I learned how to forgive in the same way I learned how to swallow pills. I put their tablet full of the hatred they felt for me on my tongue and I hated the way it tasted so I spit it out into my kitchen sink. I bucked up my courage to try again. I put another tablet on my tongue and hated the weight of it. I tried to wash it down with water but I got scared when I felt it move toward the back of my throat. I spit the water and the pill into the sink and watched as it turned into the denial I didn't want to face. I decided that the third time should be the charm so I popped another pill full of their hatred into my mouth and washed it down with water before I could think about it. I felt the contents dissolve in my stomach and acknowledgement spread throughout my body.

Please don’t be offended when I say

I don’t want you.

What I mean by that,

Is that I don’t want you to grow up

In a world where you

Might not be welcomed.

To my daughter,

I don’t want you to grow up in this

World that will peck at you with

Its sharp beak

And tells you that the scars

It left behind on your beautiful being makes you ugly.

I don’t want you to grow up

To work in a job where you’re told

That your uterus makes you less valuable

Even though you could give birth

To nations

And still do twice the work than

Your male coworkers who

Will always make twice as much or more

Than you.

I don’t want you to grow up in a world

Where your body will not be your own

No matter how many people say otherwise.

I don’t want you to grow up in a world that will try to sew a zipper onto your mouth

Because they say your words, your thoughts, your emotions don’t matter as long as you are able to spread your legs.

I don’t want you because you deserve better.

To my son,

I don’t want you to grow up in a world

Where your fists have to speak more than your mouth does.

I don’t want you to grow up in a world

That expects you to carry it on your back like Atlas because despite what society may try to make you think,

You are not a god.

You are human with human limitations.

And that’s okay.

I don’t want you to grow up in a world

Where you’re expected to plant seeds

In the gardens of young girls’ beds

And leave before you see the orchards produce fruit.

I don’t want you to grow up in a world

Where you feel as though you must always be strong

Because it’s okay to be weak

And I don’t want you to grow up in a world with people who try to tell you otherwise.

I don’t want you because you deserve better.

To the children I’ll never have,

Please don’t be offended when I say I don’t want you.

What I mean by that,

Is that you deserve better than a mother who handles her stress with self-destructive behaviors.

You deserve better than a mother who wouldn’t know how to love you because she doesn’t know how to love herself.

You deserve better than a mother who could never give you the moon on a string.

I don’t want you, because I could never deserve you.

His right hand held a sword,

his left hand held a flower.

His goal to save the princess,

slay the dragon ’round her tower.

He dreamt of her favour,

of her kiss in grateful thanks.

Little did he know,

he made a grave mistake.

She met the prince dressed for battle,

a sword held in her hand.

Unbeknownst to him,

she was the dragon in this land.

She attacked and fought

the prince who came

to take her love

and fly away.

“I am not a prize,

I cannot be won!”

She grasped a sword in her right hand,

her left hand held a shield.

She challenged the prince,

“You had better yield!”

He would not back down,

he refused to run.

So she slew the prince,

and returning to her tower,

left him dying in the sun.

Title Pronounciation: Tee-lay-wah