“You know we’re just a trunk full of guns away from being the Devil’s Rejects right?”. His voice is almost calming. I look over from the passenger seat of the car to the man in the driver’s seat. This man. That is driving my car. Speaking boisterously to me. I do not know this man. Not really. Yet his voice radiates with a chaotic calm that I cannot describe. Maybe like the beautiful peace that a person feels while in the eye of a storm? That is not doing it justice… I’m not sure that I even reply to him. In my tainted memory, I would like to think that I at least glanced over to him with a smile and nod. Perhaps even a laugh? But I will never forget his words.

This is when reality finally hit me. Whatever reality is. All reality is for me is the state of my soul. And my soul feels broken. Confused. In a fog. Was I living in a fog for days? For months? What is the date? What state are we currently driving in? I cannot answer any of these questions… The trunk. He mentioned the trunk. The trunk is full of belongings. A broken lamp notedly. But he does not know the contents of the trunk. Why would he? Hell, it COULD be a trunk full of guns. I wouldn’t put it past me. A Free Bird moment wouldn’t be all that bad right now anyhow…

The lamp breaking hurt my heart. It was packed in such a rush, and not by my own careful hands… I should be happy though. I should be ecstatic that I was able to pack the entire car full of our most important belongings so hastily. My papers… Files. The closets full of clothes are gone… But I have her. I have my warrior daughter. And her broken lamp.

I cuddle the unicorn pillow in my lap and glance to the backseat at her… Funny that later this man driving us would tell me that he was sneaking glances at me as I was cuddling this pillow. And again, his account of this story would be much different than mine. Perspective is everything really, isn’t it? A thin woman, perhaps a bit too thin at this time… Clutching a unicorn pillow. Wearing a mini skirt. Blonde long hair, sunglasses and a hat… A washed up model. “She can tell you about black holes”. Apparently what this man was told about me before meeting me… Perspective.

My daughter. She is stoic. Calm. Strong. A warrior. My mini-me. Sitting crammed into a mountain of belongings filling the car. Two dogs in the backseat with her, and two cats as well. Chaos. But joy. Calm. Just like his voice. Who is this man? Things were so fast paced when we left our temporary hotel that I hadn’t really had the chance to analyze him yet…

But I am not crazy. I could read his aura. His soul. God. God told me he was safe. Safe enough to make this necessary drive with. A modern day Knight in Shining Armor I suppose. In whatever way a modern day twisted reality could give to such a dying notion. But he has an old soul. Strong eyes. A strong energy that is almost difficult to be around while feeling so weakened in my own. Does his shirt have pelicans on it? Who is this man…

I fade back out into the blur… I must have fallen back asleep. The first real sleep I have gotten in days. He wakes me up as we reach a hotel. Our midway destination. I guess my sister set up this arrangement. Trying to get us home safely… Bless her heart. I was too confused and overwhelmed to do it myself. He tells me I can rest, and I do not even remember going to the room… I just fall into the bed and sleep… I guess they have the animals covered. The car… Food? Someone finally took the reigns for me… All I can do is sleep. God Bless this man… Who is this man? Keep the reigns for the minute mystery man. I trust you. I do not know why, but I trust you.

“Just a trunk full of guns…”. I wake up a bit panicked. As I had been doing for months now. Naps can be dangerous when you haven’t fully soaked in reality. Waking to reality again when being in a fog is overwhelming. Waking up in a shaking panic every morning at 3am can become quite taxing. But this panic is different. It is not 3am. The fog has lessened. I’m in a hotel. No-one is with me. It is too quiet. I start to frantically look for my cell phone. I need to get a bearing on time, location, situation. But I hear laughter. Laughter. I can feel a lightness coming towards me, removing the heavy sense of impending doom that is suffocating me.

And there is his voice again? Such a deep, calming, chaotic voice. He bursts into the hotel room with my daughter jovially. I’m so relieved to see them. THEM. Not just her. But him as well. Okay Mr. Knight, trunk full of guns, pelican shirt, chaotic calm. Who in the world are you? A chef. He is a chef. And he took my daughter to get food. To let me rest. Trusting I suppose that I trusted him enough to do so. Hell, he probably asked me for permission. I was too busy living in my fog to remember.

And I suppose that he “saves girls”. His words. “This isn’t the first time I’ve done this”. I do remember him saying that. What an odd statement. What is “this” anyhow? I surely have never done “this” lol. This is how I first remember him. Although I’m sure his account is much, much different. He looks like a warrior. A warrior with a crazy beard. A warrior with a crazy beard in a pelican shirt with piercing blue eyes that dance when he speaks. I’m a little smitten by his eye crinkles… He smiles with his eyes. Back to the road. I can see the eye crinkles plenty from there.

So, it is back to the road, to driving, rather quickly after rest. At least that is how it occurred in my own mind. Time is relative? I do not remember resting other than the initial fade out. Although we probably had a full night of sleep there, at this hotel. Did I even talk to this man? Did I help unload and reload the animals? Did I just go back to sleep and rest a full night? Oh, how memory works when in a fight or flight response. Which has been justifiably changed to “fight, flight or flee” (my degree in psychology has done nothing for the trials of life). I guess I did the new addition. I fled.

All I can remember of the trip home after this is that the car felt lighter. Happier. The same music playing over. And over. And over. AND OVER. Thanks Sis. My daughter is too much like me in this regard. She has a CD, that my sister made her before our departure ,playing. And the first song is called “D-O-L-L-H-O-U-S-E”. This is a song that will NEVER stop playing through my head now in moments of calm after stress. Thanks, Brain ;). It is often good at sidetracking to song lyrics when my brain is ready for a break.

The video for this song… Begins with a girl in a dark room.. Playing with a dollhouse. Fake. This fake puppet of a poor girl. Woman… I should analyze why my 11 year old daughter loves this song this much… I should… But I just fade into it for now, accepting it. This poor man. He is stoic, his eyes that smile look a bit sad. More sad than annoyed right now. I really should analyze the song… But I fade back into the soothing numb with my daughter.

Hey girl, open the walls

Play with your dolls

We'll be a perfect family

When you walk away, is when we we really play

You don't hear me when I say

Mom, please wake up, dad's with a slut

And your son is smoking cannabis

No one ever listens, this wallpaper glistens

Don't let them see what goes down in the kitchen

Places, places, get in your places

Throw on your dress and put on your doll faces

Everyone thinks that we're perfect

Please don't let them look through the curtains

Picture, picture, smile for the picture

Pose with your brother, won't you be a good sister

Everyone thinks that we're perfect

Please don't let them look through the curtains

D-O-L-L-H-O-U-S-E

I see things that nobody else sees

(D-O-L-L-H-O-U-S-E

I see things that nobody else sees)

Hey girl, look at my mom

She's got it going on

Ha! You're blinded by her jewelry

When you turn your back

She pulls out her flask

And forgets his infidelity

Uh-oh, she's coming to the attic

Plastic, go back to being plastic

Not living in that song. Not right now. But i’m glad that my daughter has something to soothe her on this drive. Such a long drive.

We’re going home :)!!! I am finally flooded by the happiness of this! I cannot wait to see the sign for Arkansas. What a beautiful state… I can’t wait to see my mother. To fall into the stressful discomfort on going to crash at her house with my scattered goods, child and animals. I know that I have a lot of planning to do, but in times of chaos the first step is the most important. Even if a million things have to happen to lead to that first step, the first push is everything. It is your flint.

All one can do is put one foot in front of the other. To steal from alcoholics anonymous, if one cannot go through the day, break the day down into hours. Into minutes. Into seconds if need be. As long as you keep moving, and with a purpose and good in your heart, the rest will fall into place. And if you know you did it with the light in your intentions, then the rest of the dark that comes along with it is a necessary evil. Because evil does exist. God exists. So evil does as well. Forgetting this is one thing that allows the evil to creep in. And sadly, we all must learn that the hard way.

Hauntingly ironic that the man saving me right now would be the one I truly learn about evil through and with. First I must get home. And then. Then I can learn about true evil. And finding God. It all comes down to God… Sadly we must traverse the world of evil together first. That is just how it must be.

Stumbling through a forest of darkness and depression--

Disguising all my thoughts, as I seek out new obsessions...

Smiling, I tread forward, always leaving false impressions--

And smirking at the world, only focused on its oppressions...

Stumbling through the numbness, as the feelings consume my soul--

Drinking away the madness, and searching for a close to this black hole...

But the event horizon consumes me, and I’m trapped within this woe--

So I smile and let it smother me, embracing its silent cold...

The Moon did not betray the Sun...

For the Moon loves the Sun so much, that she sacrificed the warmth and beauty of day in order to man the night.

Knowing that her destiny is to enlighten the souls who fear the embrace of darkness, her pale glow illuminates just bright enough to cast a warm blanket of comfort upon the lost...

The Moon did not betray the Sun...

She made a choice to man the night... Completing the cyclical dance of Spirit, just close enough to the Sun so as to not lose him--so as to not completely feel void of his warmth.

The Moon did not betray the Sun...

She dances in the lights of the stars who are outshined during the length of day. Letting them glimmer within her ghostly beauty, without hiding their own.

The moon did not betray the Sun... They are dancing together always.

Inside this labyrinth, I stand lost and alone--

The coldness frightens me and leads me to wander amongst the lost,

Oh! How they moan...

I run faster so as to pass them, yet one grabs ahold of me and pleads--

Though, I am not yet a Shepherd, nor am I a drone...

So I shake free! And keep running despite the bleeds...

So, what is this labyrinth of the damned?

In which we are caught and cast into its dark?

THAT I can now tell you, for my thoughts now are manned.

For I am done running. Done chasing down the Ark.

The labyrinth IS suffering. Our every soul is jammed.

Yet we try to escape it--an attempt to leave behind no mark.

So how does one escape this labyrinth that I speak of?

This question is harder than the entrapment or the journey.

This mountain of a question, you will never reach the peak of--

Until the end of your days embrace you--

And in that, what's the hurry?

Well, this should be an easy topic shouldn't it (laughing at myself)... But truly, of course being presented with problems in your own life or in the lives of others is extremely important. In fact, I can be personally prone to creating/fostering the growth of problems in order to get out of stagnant states at times. Of course I'm not advocating wrecking a car on purpose, amongst a multitute of other things one should not do, but I think everyone purposefully allows problems into their realm in life in order to seek growth and development (for one should ALWAYS be growing and developing).

I guess an easy way to simply look at the topic of generalized problems would be to think of the function of pain. Why does pain exist? To let you know that there is a problem, and in essence to attempt to address that problem. Of course there are issues sometimes where this system goes off script and false pain signals are sent (a problem within itself), but most often they can be trusted for what they are. Your head starts pounding, and you realize you haven't had proper fluid intake for the day. You, hopefully, have access to water and hydrate. Your back begins to ache as you are sitting at your desk, and perhaps you realize that you have been slumped over in thought of task, instead of sitting with proper alignment. Or perhaps you are having issues with digestion and skin, and you must start the sometimes daunting task of trying to figure out what is attributing to these disruptions. Ignoring these problems almost always makes them worse. Just as in life.

Sadly, it is common for humans to avoid pain, or at least it is common to try harder to mask pain than to find the root of why it exists. I would point to the extreme overuse of pain medication as an easy example. Doctors are so heavily prescribing pain medications to people who truly don't need them, instead of finding the root of the cause. Now, this is sometimes due to the fault of the patient of course, because it can be easy to fall into a victim mentality of wanting the easy fix (and sometimes the associated high) of just taking pills. Many times, pain relief can come from homeopathic solutions, physical therapies, dedication to exercise and diet, and other general life-style changes. I am not preaching. I myself have conditions that are not correctable, in which the doctors once had me on 19 pills a day to combat. Including 6 pain pills a day. I am on zero medications now, choosing to find my own solutions--and ultimately saving my physical and mental health. I addressed my problems myself. I had fallen into their trap... Easy access and avoidance.

So, without rambling about pain for pages and how it correlates so closely in so many ways with this subject of problems, I will just say this. What is causing spiritual, emotional or physical pain in your life? After identifying even one thing, then sit and think if there is anything you can do to change that. The easiest thing to do after identifying a problem, is to think. Think very hard about the root of the problem. Sometimes this can take trial and error, but often one knows what the cause is. Talking to others can help you, as others often know before you do. People see you, even if you think they cannot. And sounboarding can often be very important. You must then set a goal to act. Even a tiny goal. Like watering a growing plant, it is amazing to see how fast solutions and growth can sometimes occur with just small steps like this. It is the problem of avoidance or fear that can often lead to the destruction of one's physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.

I know this solution sounds simplistic. But without taking small steps every day to address the array of problems one is faced with, one cannot grow and develop. If there truly is no solution with a problem, it sounds like one needs to address their problem of learning how to find peace within acceptance. Acceptance when it is truly what needs to happen brings peace. Acceptance when there is an attainable solution in your grasp screams of defeat or apathy or depression. Once you identify which path you're following, it is up to you to put your foot forward and take a step. Noone can take that step for you, but many will often be near you to help as you do. Good look problem solvers! I have faith in you :).

I do not hate...

I know this because this internal conflict always subsides or lessens... Love, joy--they forever are imprinted on your heart... What would it take for hate to finally be imprinted forever upon mine? I would be horrified to find out...

I was always taught to not use the word hate... Which was a blessing. Acknowledging the power of this word led me to truly analyze my own thoughts and feelings associated with why I would be uttering such a word in relation to a person, event, belief... And what a beautiful exercise to follow that I believe everyone should engage in...

Most often this word seems to be intertwined with anger and with a sense of fear, ranging from feelings of lack of control to disgust and horror... This uncomfort is a beautiful human attribute. Undersanding why these feelings and thoughts come to you is necessary in order to heal--to transcend them... And yes, they are not always completely removed after reflection and understanding, but they are usually lessened...

Harboring such negative intensity within one's being is not healthy, obviously, spiritually or physically... I do not hate... I analyze. I try to heal. I try to grow. I try to coexist. And most importantly at times, I try to forgive and to understand... Prayers to all that are conflicted with the internal turmoil of hatred scarring their hearts... God Bless. God is love. God is stable.

Standing at the edge, and I slowly lose my mind--

As I peer over the ledge, to see what I will find...

Adrenaline pumping through me, trying to break reality's bind,

Which overtakes this fear of leaving myself behind...

I let my foot falter as I pray, once more, for peace--

Asking for the evil in me to die, to finally cease.

But my prayer goes unanswered and is surely now deceased--

So I gather up my strength, and I turn to face the Beast!

A miracle comes to save me as the daylight fades away,

To reveal a beautiful sunset that was sent to end this day...

The holy, vibrant colors slowly eat at my decay--

Filling up this emptiness, as He shows me the way...

A haunting clock is taunting me.

As if seconds weren't long enough.

Calling to me to be free--

Reminding me I'm not tough.

For if I were, I would flee from here.

I would escape this frozen room.

Instead I sit encased in fear--

Burried within this womb.

Madness accompanies solitude,

Ask anyone of this fact.

Craziness building fortitude?

Insane men make this pact.

Once One comes, they will not leave.

A trap? One might say...

The distanced soul will begin to heave,

This soul will have to pray...

Mirrors are hard for me... And always have been. Well this is quite the task isn't it? Mirrors capture you, even briefly... Scary and odd inventions of man. Seeing your soul so distorted and yet clearly... And in such a fleeting and frozen way. As if moving from them would move you in jerked frames--a still motion shot coming together by the hands of someone with a neurological disorder... Mirrors...

My eyes. My eyes are what I see and yet avoid when I look into the mirror. I can only do this in passing glances. I even use a small compact mirror that is hazed over with powder in order to put my makeup on in the morning... Though I was once a model... I am by no means hard on the eyes... But... Mirrors are different...

I see infinite wisdom, age, and sadness in my eyes... I rarely come across anyone in person that is not immediately locked onto them... I read people through their eyes as well. Funny that we all stare into black mirrors for much of our day--whether this be through cellphones, televisions, or computer screens... These black mirrors that reek of magick and divining things we should not play with at all--yet we do so frequently... So consistently... Trapping pieces of our essence...

Look into a black hole. Do you see it? You see the event horizon... Look into your mirror again... Just look...

Dwelling within one's thoughts can leave one feeling void off all allowed grace.

As meaningless as twirling an unused drumstick through one's hands, forever at unrest?

As meaningless as the acting of dressing onself when one knows there is no need or want to "go out"...

As meaningless as making a pie when one knows they will be the only one to "enjoy" it...

As meaningless as dressing a plate in homemade gravy when one is the only one who will see or smell it...

But...

The meaning comes from this unused drumstick.

Twirling it in one's hands leads to further movement...

To further discontent--unrest...

To a burning desire to do more than twirl it.

To a desire to form calluses on said hand.

Yes.

This person will continue to twirl this drumstick.