Change through Faith and Love is what I share

I once went to Paris strictly on a dare

Another time I shaved all my hair

I was born with a curious passion for Panda Bears

I live life like I haven't a care

As I paced back and forth the uncontrollable thoughts streamed through my mind, one on top of another, building until I felt them taking over my very being. Someone would be coming for me soon right?

I didn't have any choice did I?! I could not live with knowing what he had done so one of us had to cease living. Was it cowardly that I had chosen him over myself? I could not tolerate the thought of him taking away my life but wasn't that the result now anyhow?

What would my defense be? Innocent by reason of insanity? I laughed, a deep maniacal, mirthless laugh. I had always thought this defense sounded preposterous. Wasn't murder in and of itself an act of insanity?

Justifiable homicide? I certainly thought so! But even given my sparse knowledge of the topic I didn't think what would surely be viewed as an act of vigilantism was justified in the eyes of the law. 

So would I just plead guilty then? I imagined the scandal. Given my family ties there would be a fire storm of publicity. I pictured the people who would pass this rumor on, some sadly and some almost gleefully, so juicy and shocking. Odds never would have been on me to be the one to tarnish our family name.

I wanted to weep for the loss of life, his and mine, but no tears came.

The thoughts raced on hour after hour as I paced, back and forth, back and forth, in my quiet but not safe little corner of hell.

Even as I held him in my arms and felt his warmth, his softness and his hardening against me, a part of me could not believe this was happening. Sex? With someone new?? At my age???

I had honestly believed this would never happen again. 

I had met this man when I was a grieving widow just starting to step back out into the real world. At that point I could not conceive of a man, any man, being more than a Freind.

And now this man was becoming my lover.

This man was strong, sweet, intelligent and funny. This man was also quite quirky and completely different from any man I had ever been involved with.

Although initially I tried to put him in the Freind zone, as our emotional intimacy grew the physical attraction naturally started to grow as well. At this point we started cuddling at times but had still never kissed. One night I asked him why he had never kissed me on the lips and he replied that it was "to intimate"??! I found this response both exasperating, and endearing. 

  Part of me felt young and silly, laughing inside at the fact that this previously unimaginable event was occurring. Adding to these feelings was the fact that we were in my parent's home. After a few vodka and cranberry juices, I had snuck him into my childhood basement bedroom like a naughty teenager.

I won't get into all the scandalous details about just what occurred in that basement bedroom on that unforgettable night but I will tell you that more than two years later I still love to wake up in his arms and to this day the sight of blue plaid boxer shorts inexplicably turns me on.

I was at the lowest point in my life and it was a challenge just to wake up every day. 

I felt as if my life had turned into a bad dream. There was a sense of unreality to everything.

How did I become a widow at 47 years old? How did I come to weigh 267 pounds? A feeling of deep physical and spiritual illness weighed on me every moment. Over a period of five nightmarish years I had lost my career, my home, my husband, and my health. I felt I was losing  my sanity.

Thank God for my saving graces in the form of a God that never leaves me no matter the circumstances and a loving family. 

As I struggled just to keep putting one foot in front of the other, I knew I needed to start the difficult process of moving on with my life. But how?? I knew I needed to take a positive step in a forward direction. I also knew that my capabilities were limited by my current circumstances. As I searched for answers I came up with the one thing that I felt capable of tackling. 

I began my climb back to a meaningful life that feels full and real by working on one thing at a time. I started with my most limiting physical problem - my wheight. I started dealing with what had been a life long struggle with weight issues and had at this point evolved into chronic obesity. 

Since I had unsuccessfully tried many things in the past and I knew that at this point in my life I needed drastic measures, I took a drastic step and pursued baratric surgery. Once my mind was made up I knew that I needed to gain forward momentum quickly to keep from sliding back. I jumped right into to finding and pursuing the right medical program. 

It took me only three months to get through all the physical and mental tests, evaluations, and changes that were required in order for my insurance and my medical team to approve my surgery. Once I settled on something that I felt capable of doing in order to start moving forward, I was determined and would not let anything deter me. Nothing, not the doubters in my life nor the doubters in my head, could stop me.

I had my surgery just over three years a go. I used this positive change to spur me on to making other positive changes. Although I am very much a work in progress, today I am a physically fit 140 pounds. I have a special Man in my life. My life is full of meaningful work and joyful times with beloved friends and family. I thank God for where I am, where I have been, and where I am going.