It is now 11:30 on a Thursday night. I was supposed to go to bed at 11 but my creative juices are flowing like adrenaline on a rollercoaster. Unfortunately this particular adrenaline rush is full of angry and insecure energy.

I’m stuck contemplating whether or not I’m legitimately going to die alone. Love and relationships are, for some inexplicable reason, so hard for adolescent teen boys. Like grow the fuck up please and love me for me, not my 5/10 body figure. Because of such insecurities, I’ve grown to always believe that I won’t be able to find a decent guy and that all guys only want to stick it in and dip. I mean fuck, there’s nothing wrong with a sexual upringing, but these guys are just so obsessed with sticking their average sized penises into any hole they can get their grimey hands on. That, or the guys who stay virgins and still expect girls to do everything else they possibly can bringing pleasure to them. (and sometimes the other person if they’re generous)

Yes, it has been proven to me that guys are disgustingly infatuated with their genitals. Comparing sizes, making jokes, sending pictures, whiping it out randomly, naming it and whatever else men do with it. Don’t get me wrong being confident is great and all, respect and love your bodies I’m all for that. Just don’t share it with the world...

I stray from anything sexual at this point. I keep to myself about desires and daydreams because lets be honest, I’m made up of stress and anxious habits and I’ll most likely chicken out unless it’s a special case. (for example, taking that step in a serious relationship) I can’t just have a casual hook-up because those have no meaning. I need meaning. I need reassurance that its special and no random hook-up is going to include that. I don’t want meaningless anything. What I long for is love, companionship, commitment, and whatever comes with that. I want to be wanted...just not in the way these guys want me. It honestly is super hard trying to love who I am. I’m too tall, have no curves whatsoever, my face is okay, my personality is crazy, my anxiety controls me more than I control it, and it’s hard for me to trust anyone including myself. I try so hard to act how people want me to act and I try to change just so people accept me and it just makes me look stupid and/or I get myself into a situation I can’t just unadd off snapchat or block from my phone. It’s real life shit that I think I’m ready for but in reality I’m no where near ready for. But honestly...is anyone ever ready?

This life consists forever

Repeating my mistakes

Love, pain, lust, and sorrow

It's more than my heart can take

Eternal life seems powerful and nice

It's all you want, and all you need,

The power takes a hold of you

and leaves you with greed

So choose wisely my little one

Your wish is my command

Eternity is quite a long time

And It all starts where we stand.

Forever in love

Forever a lie

You were my one and only

And you didn't even try

Through thick and thin

I was loyal from the start

But you didn't care

And that broke my heart

Did you notice where it was?

My heart was with you to stay

And you destroyed it,

simply threw it away.

No song nor shared emotion

Will heal this broken soul

I was once a forgiver

But my life has taken a toll

Crippled, bruised and bleeding,

You left my heart abused

I don't feel like a trophy,

I just feel used.

So answer me this

What is love to you?

Is it a prank, a joke

Or is it what i felt, if you only knew

Something has been bothering me,

And it’s very hard to explain

Nobody will really understand

And it drives me insane.

Ive felt this feeling before,

It's not jealousy, hate or madness,

But it's definitely not a good feeling

It's much more than just Sadness

I've tried to explain,

I've tried to be honest

But watching her and watching you

When it comes to me you act so modest.

Behind my ever changing eyes

You only see the only the color

But if you could see my emotions

You’d be surprised of what you discover

After all of this I can't tell you

i'm not finding this fun

If I did i’d be the reason

That you and her are done

On top of all of this confusion

I've lost the people I need

I lost them to the shadows

To this deal I never agreed

My shell has gotten bigger

Bigger, thicker, and stronger,

To make it easy to hide

From the ones who make me feel smaller.

Oh maiden fair maiden

I cry out to you and proclaim

Not so fair after the heartbreak

You have brought indignity to your name

Sometimes love gets away from you and its hard to latch onto what you have already let go of. See when things change, so do people. They will never be the same as when you first left them. Something that caused so much happiness left them and it drained them of all joy. They just manage to pretend to have that joy and find another. Another to have and use as a shield to hide the pain and hurt. Once that shield is torn down, you go back to the one who caused you to put up the shield in the first place. As soon as you go back to the lost relationship you wont feel the same. "The feeling" is gone, and the spark is gone. There is no word for that feeling you feel, and there is no way to describe it. Something happened to this feeling and I cant seem to find out where it went. The feeling of young love, and contentment running through your veins doesn't run so smoothly anymore. He's gone for good. The one you loved and cherished left and you cant never get it back. "The feeling" goes away and you cant control it. "the feeling" is a sign that, sometimes moving on is the best choice. Not just for your loved one, but for you. 

Proclaiming your love

Knowing that you lie

Giving love your love to others

Then letting my pain fly

The love we never truly had

Could be more than what it once was

If you had tried hard enough

Our love could have a cause

Do you love her

More than you love me

Or maybe this isn't real

Perhaps a dream

It's like cheating on a test

and this is a love lesson

You using another's sheet

Causing me endless depression

I try not to wonder

About the times that now plunder

In a matter of my extinction

With storms roaring with thunder

Sitting in this chair

Thinking about about all those that care

I should tell them where I am

But I don't have the courage to share

It’s only a matter of time

To live another lifetime

Pondering and pondering

About my days of crime

All those days spent in the cell

My family worrying if i'm well

On the day of my execution

it's a story to tell

Silence is scary

It frightens my soul

The silence takes a hold of me

Then it puts me in a hole

A hole of silence and darkness

My one and only fear,

I screamed to them “i didn't die!”

But no one seemed to hear,

They put these cuffs and shackles on my thin pale wrist,

Im stuck under here, my life ahead seems so mere.

I'm in the silence and the darkness

In this small, dark, box

I thought my family had forgotten about me,

But then suddenly, i hear 2 knocks...

Ok ok ok ok. I know, i know. Ok. ok? Ok.

Something happened between you and me.

Something really really bad.

I REALLY liked you ok?

I don't think you understood that.

That day i felt something that i've never felt and never want to again.

Hearing that from someone other than you made it worse.

Finding out it was true from someone else made it EVEN worse

I lost my confidence and strength as a person.

Because of you.

You.

You are a part of this you know.

You can go ahead and forget but i won't.

I can't forget because it was my first ever heartbreak.

I can't forget because of YOU.

you .

You're in my head.

Haunting my nightmares

Floating in my dreams.

You.

But me.

Ya i don't care about that.

I “don't care”.

Truth is i do care.

Truth is i CARE a lot.

Every time i see you.

I feel...uncomfortable.

It's not the same feeling when you see me though.

When you see me.

When YOU know i'm there.

It means your thinking.

Thinking of me.

But that's not always good.

The way you replied to him about me.

The way you talked about me.

The way you talked about my friends.

Made me feel upset.

Made me feel like you truly are the person you said you weren't

You are that person.

But you know what?

I like that person.

And i couldn't ever say it.