There is no doubt in the world that we loved each other. The pictures, the presents, the romantic letters are all proof of that.

But then you just stopped talking to me.

I screamed, I cried, I broke down. I know you are out there living a good life. I do wish you the best. But yeah, in a way you are dead to me.

“Oh, no, no, no no!” As you trip the final line, I said “maybe, maybe

I didn't mean to treat you bad”.

“I swear I didn’t realize that the shove would actually make you fall! You are so much bigger than me! And I mean you also do know; this race is serious business to me. A once-a-year event, being rewarded with a trophy by the principle himself. And you know she was looking at me!”

You looked down and said, “You care about her? But our shared glances, hangouts, I really thought some day we could take our time!”

You say "Oh let's ask him what he meant by that"

I wish it was you

You say "Oh maybe let's just sweep it under the mat"

I wish it was you

You say "Oh there is probably no harm done"

I wish it was you

You say "We can work this out by everyone"

I wish it was you

I wish it was you, so that you could understand.

I wish it was you so that I wouldn't have to deal with that.

The fear, the unease, the creepiness of it all.

So that I could stand on the side and say "let's all try to make the situation resolve"

I wish it was you

so that I wouldn't have to deal with it.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Just some thoughts about dealing with a bad situation. Maybe it wasn't even that bad. It was just some unwanted comments. No trauma. But damn, I wish I didn't have to deal with it.

My heart had stopped beating. It started when I moved to this town. Away from family and everything that I had known. I felt like a stranger. I felt unwanted. The friendly faces that I was used to, no longer there. The passing faces here felt uncaring, or even hostile. I wanted to shut myself from it all. Hide from the pain and the fear. And I did. But funny thing about emotions, it´s not like you can pick and choose what not to feel. You can either feel it all or feel nothing at all. I chose nothing. The transition was slow. But slowly the faces blurred into oval shapes. The sounds of the city: the vehicles passing by, the chatter and the bustle all blending into undiscernible static noise. It was like seeing the world from the comfort of a grey woollen blanket – dulling the sounds around me, clouding the colours and comforting me.

And suddenly, I found myself in a forest. I didn´t know how I got there, but I didn´t care much either. I walked through the trees barely aware of my surroundings. I was soon off the trodden trail, weaving my way through the branches and undergrowth. When the light faded, I was not sure if it was just a passing cloud, or the blanket around me turning dark.

The crackling startled me – the sound of a hundred whips being hit at once as the sky lit up. Then the clouds opened, and I felt the first cold drop hit me. It was jarring and broke the warmth that I had cocooned myself in. Like a sharp spear, it pierced me. Fear. I felt fear then. Jolting my heart back into motion. The terror was overwhelming but somehow it still felt good to feel… something. The first emotion I felt in a long time. And with my senses on alert, I looked around. Where was I?

I looked around me for the first time noticing the trees, the rocks and the wet grass pelted by the rain. I was lost. There was no one here. No one who cared. I broke down then. I sank into the wet grass and let the tears fall. They came like a dam opened, all at once, bursting out and drowning me. My whole body was in shock. I could feel myself twitching uncontrollably. Another crack of lightning. I screamed. I opened my mouth and let it all out. But there was too much. I ran then. I didn´t know where. I didn´t care. I wanted out.

The branches cut me. I stumbled on the roots, hitting the ground, but I continued onward. Pain. I felt pain now. On my hands. My face. It felt… good. I continued running. It was dark. There was no one to guide me out. I put one foot after another and hoped that if I ran far enough, if I ran long enough, I would get out. I embraced the fear, the pain and channelled it to my legs.

My heart was pounding. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion, the ground moving underneath me as I ran. The silhouettes of the trees whooshed by me as I ran. And I felt… Alive. I laughed then. In the rain, through my fear and my pain. I laughed at it all, a hysterical, crazy laugh. And just like that, I was out.

I collapsed on the wet grass. Breathing heavily, I laid there, unmoving, collecting myself. I felt my barriers rising, I felt my emotions growing weaker. I was slowly retaining control. And just as the final spark of emotion was fading, I stopped for a moment. I thought how good it had been to feel something. So I decided to leave the small crack in my armour. I picked myself up and started walking towards the city. And in the distance, I could hear a car honking.