It exists in the mental replays

of everything I could have said

and done differently.

It exists in the pounding

of my heart every time I

listen to the ringing

of a call trying to go through.

It’s in the seconds (years) of waiting

for the other end to pick up.

It exists in each morning

as I put on battle armor

just to pull back the sheets.

It exists in my sweaty palms

and white-clenched knuckles

on the steering wheel as I

rehearse what I’m going to say

to the clerk at the grocery store.

It exists in my stutter-filled voice

as I try to ask my college professors

for help, failing to do so,

and leaving the classroom

in silent frustration.

It exists in the repeated mantras

I tell myself throughout the night

and day

just so I don’t follow through

with what my impulses

keep suggesting.

Hell is real.

It exists in this gilded cage

called life.

And upon release,

our lips finally learn

how to say “heaven.”

Holding you in my arms,

you are softer than any bird’s feathers.

Your curly dark locks

would make any raven jealous

and I can’t help but let my fingers

get lost and tangled in them

as I trail kisses down

your long slender neck.

Your sighs could breathe

stars into existence and for a moment

I can see galaxies in the ink pools

of your eyes.

I watch in awe as you fall back

onto the comforter,

snow against deep blue water,

arms and hair fanned out,

you put those elegant

water dancers to shame.

I loved you for only a night,

but whenever I see a swan,

I’ll be reminded of you.

Shards of broken glass

that slice into my gums

bone deep

if I move my mouth too much.

I’ve learned to keep my mouth

still and quiet because of this.

~The words I’ll never say

My favourite nickname to use

and role to play.

She knew what I liked,

knew what to say.

And once the morning rose,

all her dominance slipped

away.

...

Doll, sweetie,

darling gal of mine,

Don’t be afraid to

give me a ring,

We should play again

sometime.

XO

Palms sweating

thighs clenching

a waterfall

doesn’t hold a candle

to me.

And yet,

I’m all alone.

Just waiting

for someone

to drop a line

describing

all the filthy

deliciously

sinful acts

they want to

see me

perform.

Hey stranger,

hope to hear from

you soon.

XO

To the tall handsome Irish man sitting near me at the pub:

If you only knew what I would let you do to me with that accent of yours.

I’d make you send me to church on Sunday to repent for such sinful deeds.

XO

Upon waking this morning,

I was greeted by the sight of

two horses grazing on the hillside.

The sky was blue,

aside from a single grey cloud

which was sprinkling this

small patch of earth with

mist.

They say the grass is greener

on the other side,

and as a visitor,

I can confirm this is true.

Warm greetings from Doolin, Ireland.

I know we don’t know each other yet,

but I want you to be sure about

what you’ll be getting into.

I give you my word to be faithful,

I’ll treat you like I’m a security guard

standing outside a museum full of

treasure. I won’t abandon you.

I promise to be gentle.

I’ll be like an autumn breeze going

through the leaves of chameleon

trees. I’ll carry your burdens

on my back and take them

as far from you as possible.

I promise to be loving.

I will go to the ends of the earth

for you.

If need be, I will play the part

of Orpheus and venture

into the darkest pits of the underworld

in order to lead you back to the world

of the living.

My dear, my oasis, my future light of life,

I cannot wait to meet you.

I will whisper your heart to all the

stars above in the hope that they will

lead me straight to you someday.

Until I can see you face to face,

farewell my darling.

I love you already.

You never know how a few kind words

can turn around someone’s day.

When they feel like they’re in the middle of an ocean with no land in sight,

your kind words can point them

in the right direction.

When life is firing hardships at them like bullets from a gun, your kind words

can form a bullet proof vest

and save their hope.

When their heart has been shattered to pieces,

your kind words can help them

glue the broken bits back together.

To anyone who has ever said a kind word to me,

even if I don’t respond directly,

your words mean so much.

I often feel like a ship that’s getting

too close to the rocky shore,

but all your kind words

have acted as a lighthouse

and steered me back in the right direction.

And I thank you so much for that.

I poured all the love in my soul

into a cup like it was coffee.

My only problem is that I

seem to be living in a world

that only drinks green smoothies.

Now I have an overflowing cup

growing cold in my hands.

What was the point of pouring

out my heart if no one wants it?