Hell Exists

It exists in the mental replays

of everything I could have said

and done differently.

It exists in the pounding

of my heart every time I

listen to the ringing

of a call trying to go through.

It’s in the seconds (years) of waiting

for the other end to pick up.

It exists in each morning

as I put on battle armor

just to pull back the sheets.

It exists in my sweaty palms

and white-clenched knuckles

on the steering wheel as I

rehearse what I’m going to say

to the clerk at the grocery store.

It exists in my stutter-filled voice

as I try to ask my college professors

for help, failing to do so,

and leaving the classroom

in silent frustration.

It exists in the repeated mantras

I tell myself throughout the night

and day

just so I don’t follow through

with what my impulses

keep suggesting.

Hell is real.

It exists in this gilded cage

called life.

And upon release,

our lips finally learn

how to say “heaven.”