I’ve always yearned for acceptance

Watching my words in every sentence

Tell me whatever, even if it’s not true

I’ll always say yes and agree with you

I wish there was another way for me to be

I can’t stand if anyone gets mad at me

I’d still never find the right things to say

Then wish that I’d done things a different way

It’s been damn near 10 years

And I still wonder what happened here

We were only really friends for five

I would of thought it’d be the rest of our lives

You may of thought that I didn’t care

But I honestly just wasn’t aware

I didn’t know that I had hurt you then

If I did I wouldn’t of done it again

You were always a better friend than me

And I wouldn’t doubt that you would agree

Sorry was something I never got to tell you

And there’s a lot I wish I could undo

We were best friends and I left you behind

And after all that time you’re still on my mind

Sometimes I wonder if what we had could be restored

But we’re completely different than we were before

I guess I’ll never get another chance to call your cell

So for now I’ll just hope that you’re doing well

I remember in school we’d hear all these catchy slogans about how drugs are bad.

“Be smart, don’t start”

“Drug free is the way to be”

“Say yes to life and say no to drugs”

What I don’t really remember is an actual detailed explanation about why drugs were bad. What do they actually do? They say drugs kill, but how do they kill? They’d say all sorts of things about cigarettes too. My parents smoked cigarettes and they were fine.

Then you get to high school or college and all your friends are smoking pot and whatever else. You might say no the first time they offer you some, because drugs were bad or whatever. But then maybe the next time you say “what the hell”. You never know until you try. And low and behold you turn out fine.

Being high was weird at first, but then it was kinda fun. Maybe now you feel a little cooler, part of the in crowd. It’s not like you were shooting up heroin. You smoked a little weed, no harm done. Maybe those slogans were bogus anyway. Adults telling you not to break the law.

Then maybe a couple years later you start hanging out with someone new. They have a little something else if you’re down to try. If you want to get together later you can take shrooms together and it’ll be an awesome time. Shrooms aren’t hardcore or anything. It’s going to be a fun experience and you’re going to feel like you are on cloud nine. What the Hell, why not? When are you ever going to be able to do something like this again?

The next day you’re at your friends house and you’re eating these disgusting, moldy looking mushrooms. Twenty minutes go by and you think maybe it’s not going to work, you’re immune or something. Then a bit later it hits you. Colors are the best they’ve ever been. The posters on the wall are swaying, your friends tattoo is dancing on their arm, and you are the funniest person that ever lived. You can’t wait till the next time you can do this again.

Now later on a friend of your friend starts hanging out with the two of you and offers a proposal. They got a few squares of acid if you want to come over Saturday and stay the night. It’ll be fun. But woah acid? That sounds like kinda a big deal. Your friend assured you that it’s just like shrooms. You’ll feel the same, just maybe a little more intense then last time. Maybe just a little. Well that’s true, you have done shrooms and it was the best thing ever. You were waiting for another day like that so why pass it up?

Now your at the apartment of the friend of your friend. Kinda a messy place but that’s no big deal. There’s a huge dog laying in the kitchen, just chilling out. Your sitting on the couch next your friend who hands you a little paper square. All you have to do is hold this square on your tongue for a little while and then swallow it. Easy peasy.

Just like the shrooms it’s taking a while for this to work. But now your starting to feel a little funny. The swirls in the carpet and swirling by themselves. You look at your phone but you can’t really focus on reading your text, the letters keep falling off the words. You’re friend and their other friend are talking and laughing and your feeling a bit uncomfortable in your corner of the couch. Feeling a bit excluded maybe.

You have to use the bathroom, but that huge dog is following you and smelling you aggressively. You don’t know where the bathroom is. The dog lets out a bark and it makes you jump. There is a lot of clutter in the room your in, and it looks like is all gonna fall down on you if you go into the hallway. But you really have to pee. Your friend points to the bathroom door down the hallway and laughs at you.

You’re in the bathroom sitting down already. You instinctively look at your phone again but you still can’t read. How long have you been in the bathroom? They’re probably making fun of you because you’ve been in here forever. How long does this stuff last? How much time has gone by?

You’re sitting on the kitchen floor with the dog. You are starting to feel a little better. The high is coming down. But when did you get to the kitchen? Your friend tells you about how weird you were being all night, and the stuff that you said and did. You can’t remember. But when you feel a little bit better you head home. And you stop talking to your friend.

When you start a new job you become friends with a couple of coworkers. They’re all really funny and cool. Probably too cool for you. They smoke weed like you. Sometimes you’ll hang out after work and smoke. They even asked if you wanted to go to a club with them after work. You work the next morning but you don’t want them to stop inviting you to stuff, so you agree.

You’re at the club with those coworkers and you’re drinking and having fun. They call you outside on the patio. It’s pretty cold out so no one else is around. One of them turns and takes a big sniff off of a house key. They turn and ask if you want a bump, while gently pouring a little bag of white power onto the key again. You take a second to answer but you say sure. You didn’t want to sound lame by saying you’ve never done it before.

It hits way faster then even weed does. Like an instant jolt of energy. You dance with your coworkers back inside, and you feel like you can do anything. You don’t even really feel drunk anymore. You go back to the bar a little while later for a shot and the energy has already diminished. That was fast. Your friends take you back out to the patio 5 more times that night.

The next day you’re late for work. You have a horrible headache, and you feel like you’ve been breathing rocks up your nose. Worse than any allergies you’ve ever experienced for sure. When you get to work your coworkers talk to you about how much fun last night was. It was a lot of fun. The most fun you’ve had in a while, and you must of been up till 3am. Maybe they’ll invite you out next time too.

You go out with them probably once a week or so. And do the same thing each time. Cocaine is like the best drug you’ve had. It makes you feel like you’re on top of the world. So you even ask them who their dealer is. Maybe your nose will get use to it and stop hurting as much.

Every week you still go out with your friends at least once. You have to buy new going out clothes because your old ones fit so loosely now. Staying out so late makes you exhausted in the morning so you start taking a bump before work just to get your day started on a high note. On bad days you snort a line when you get home to make you feel better.

Everyday at work is starting to be a bad day. Maybe if you left a little coke in your car it can help you get through the day. And it does, oh it really does. Where has this been all your life? It’s better then any cup of coffee or energy drink you’ve ever had.

You and one of your coworkers get into a little argument so you’re not talking right now. They have just been getting you so heated lately, maybe some space from them is what you need. Your manager asks if you’re skipping lunch again today? You just haven’t been hungry and honesty you’ve had so much energy and focus you don’t really even need a break.

You weigh yourself and you’re lighter than you’ve ever been. Skipping lunch has really proved to be the best diet plan. Saves money too, which you need when you go back to see your dealer tomorrow. You feel like the two of you have really hit it off. You even start hanging out every week.

Money is starting to get a little tight. You don’t really feel hungry in the morning so you stop buying cereal or other breakfast foods, so that helps a little. You’ve felt really stressed lately from work and your friends have just been hard to deal with lately. But a couple bumps make you feel better throughout the day. It even makes you feel better if you’re feeling nauseous, which has been kinda a lot lately.

You got into a fight with your parents again. All they do is nag you and get on your nerves. You ran out of coke today so you’re feeling bad without a way to fix it. You’re able to scrape up the cash for a little more, maybe your dealer will meet with you tonight. The stuff he gave you last time just doesn’t feel as strong so you’ve been taking more than usual. He said it’s the same stuff though. He’s probably screwing you over by giving you cheaper stuff for the same price. That’s probably why you’ve started getting nose bleeds too. That cheap crap.

It’s so frustrating that everyday you wake up is a bad day. Everyone you talk to has just been getting on your nerves. You hate going to your job each day, all you can think about is when you can finally come home and snort a few lines without the fear of being caught at work.

None of your clothes are fitting again. Nosebleeds have been happening almost everyday. You keep running out of coke, and it makes you feel like you’ve ran out of one of life’s necessities. Kind of like food or water. It’s miserable. You can’t stand talking to your friends or your family. Life is just getting unbearable. You call into work again so you can just lay in bed and take bumps. Maybe you’ll finally have a better day.

While your in bed you have time to think back to all the bad things that have happened to you. The things that have made your life so unfair. What if you just disappeared? What if you just made it all end? You wouldn’t have to suffer anymore. Maybe that’s the answer. What’s actually worth living for?

After an attempted suicide, you find yourself in the emergency room. Your parents are there, and your too embarrassed to look at them. Your so nauseous, but don’t have any coke with you. You throw up into a little trash can while your parents are sitting there watching you with tears in their eyes. Maybe this is what rock bottom feels like.

You finally realize you have a problem, that you don’t think can be fixed. Your parents force you to stay at some inpatient mental hospital for a little while. They give you pills 3 times a day. You continue to throw up the first couple of days but it eventually stops. Maybe one of the other patients were able to smuggle in some coke or weed or something.

Eventually you’re released from the hospital and go home. Your mom stays with you for a couple of days. The two of you don’t talk about what happened. She talks to you very gently like you could break at any moment. Maybe you could.

Eventually you’re in your apartment by yourself again. A month goes by without any drugs. Besides the pills you take everyday. You still have urges to snort up more coke but you don’t call your dealer. You just keep taking your pills each day.

You actually start feeling better. You actually do believe it or not. And you realize that the drugs you were taking were messing with your mind. One drug led to another and then another. You would get angry and upset for no reason. You felt bad about yourself all the time. You weren’t eating or sleeping. You look in the mirror and really see yourself. The dark circles under your eyes and how dangerously skinny you had become. And then it all makes sense. The real reason why people say drugs kill. The reason they say it ruins a persons life. Because it ruined yours. It won’t be easy, but now it’s up to you to pick up the pieces and fix it.

Oh Jackie

I miss when we worked together pretty much every shift

It made the day 70% better then if you didn’t

Oh Jackie

I miss when on Saturday night we’d sit in my car and talk about anything and everything

We’d chain smoke 2 cigarettes each and 2 hours would go by in 20 minutes

Oh Jackie

You’re about 5 years younger than me, but I find myself copying some of your speech and mannerisms

We’d spill the tea, and then throw up a peace sign when we cry

Oh Jackie

I always thought you should be more confident in yourself

You’re the coolest person I know

I swear you must be seven feet tall

So it really must hurt when you fall

You were friends with the groom, I with the bride

We didn’t speak then, but I think you may have tried

I always thought you were just a friend of a friend

Even through all of the gatherings we both did attend

I thought it was random when you asked to hang out

But I ended up coming even though I had doubt

I was honestly surprised that it never got weird

And any tension we had suddenly cleared

At the end of the night you had something to say

You had admired me, from that very first day

I thought it was nice and I thought it was sweet

But I knew I didn’t want to lie or deceit

So I told you I didn’t feel the way that you felt

That friendship was all I had under my belt

And you said that was fine, you understood

You still wanted friendship if you still could

So from that moment on we hung out everyday

And you never got to say want you wanted to say

We had really good times, me and you

I never wanted what we had to be through

But I knew you still had strong feelings for me

There was a place in your heart that was still empty

Again you worked up the courage to speak

And I had to tell you again that we had hit our peak

I thought you were funny and that you were smart

But you were never able to win over my heart

I think maybe you thought one day things would change

And then I struck your heart at close range

I didn’t know at the time, that would be our last day

That all the good times we shared would be thrown away

I’ll still think about our friendship out of the blue

I don’t regret the things I said, but I do miss you.

I swear he must be seven feel tall

So it really must hurt when he falls

I woke up late one morning, and I realized some things

I deserve the finer things like dresses and rings

So I jumped to my feet and I ran down the stairs

To find my Dad and his wallet in one of his favorite chairs

I explained that a little dough would really raise my morale

And you wouldn’t believe the audacity of what he said to this gal

He said to me “money doesn’t grow off a tree

And Ill tell you what, the best things in life are free”

“Well dad if you don’t have the cash then that’s fine

Just please stop quoting your tv shows line for line.”

Running away I figured, if he couldn’t satisfy my greed

That my mother would truly understand a girls need

So I hoofed it to the garden to find my old lady

And I tried to explain my ordeal without sounding shady

“Hey Mom it’s your favorite child, it’s me

I need more money for luxuries, can’t you see?

She told me “Honey you find yourself a rich man

And you bleed him for every dollar that you can.”

I yelled “Mom I’ll stop you there, I’m not going to hook

And if I wanted a fantasy man, I would of picked up a book”

Displeased with my parents, I had only one other

Maybe the only one that cares for me is my brother

So I crawled back up the stairs and burst into his room

I told him that I was poor and that it filled me with gloom

What I didn’t expect was for him to be such a snob

He said “Couldn’t you, I don’t know... get a job?”

My eyes open with a jolt at midnight. The room was hot, and I had broken out in a cold sweat. A nightmare had awoken me but the details were fuzzy. My heart still raced from my dream.

The room was dark with blacks and grays. Shapes were visible, but it was hard to tell what was what. The door to the bedroom was open leading to absolute darkness.

I picked my head up off of my pillow to look at the doorway. Unease filled my mind as I focused my eyes on a new silhouette. A large dark spot, darker then what was seen through the doorway before.

Maybe it was just the shadow from a painting out in the hall. I’m just being a little paranoid. My eyes could just be playing tricks on me in the dark. That’s what I thought as I watched that dark figure moving further through my doorway.

I pull the covers up over my head, and try to go back to sleep. Only now I can’t sleep. I laid there for a few minutes, getting too hot under my thick blanket. The only way I can go back to sleep is to pull my covers back down and prove to myself that what I saw was all in my mind. So that’s what I decide to do.

Slowly I lift the corner of my blanket just enough to look at my door. Nothing’s there. Relieved I uncover myself to show the rest of the bedroom. A tall, dark and faceless figure stood now at the end of my bed, hovering over me.

I scream, and wake up. Shaking from fear of what I had dreamed, I sit in the same spot I’ve been in all night. The same spot I’ve been in during my nightmare. I took a deep breath and thought about what had happened in my dream, but the details were fuzzy.

You still worry about all the mistakes you’ve made

For any other life you’d instantly trade

You can’t hold back your screams and your cries

So you direct them at others and cut all your ties

You can’t forget all the times that you’ve failed

The people you hurt and the darkness you inhaled

You held on to all the times that you’ve been hurt

The actions of others and the blood on your shirt

You can leave the places and times behind

But never really get them out of your mind

You can laugh and carry a fake smile

When your state of mind is really so fragile

You can’t stand to be around people anyhow

Since the people you know can’t talk to you now

You can hardly remember when things weren’t so bad

And maybe your anger and sadness is all you’ve really had

You wake up still holding yesterday’s fear

That all you can think is you don’t want to be here

You’re worried that you’ll always feel this way

Why would you want to keep it all past today?

I told myself several times that today was the day

That all the thoughts in my head will finally go away

I then had a day that was a little worse then the rest

After trying and failing when I was put to the test

I had hit rock bottom and it felt pretty strange

When I finally decided that it was time for a change

I talked out my feelings and now take pills everyday

There were trials and errors to keep bad feelings at bay

I still feel sad sometimes, having good days and bad

But I will tell you that somethings different from what I had.

I dabbled with the thought that life was worth living

The bad things that have happened can still be forgiven

I won’t tell you it’s easy but it does get better

Your life isn’t worth less than any other

You can tell me you don’t think you’ll make it past today

And now I think I’ll know exactly what to say.