Breath-taking.

Upon first glance, and every glance that followed

breathtaking is the word that comes to mind…

But it isn’t enough to describe what I saw when I looked at you

Perhaps if I knew more of who you are, I could come up with something better, but I don’t.

All I know is what I’ve seen...

Which isn’t much, but it’s more than enough..

At least for me, to have an idea of who you might be...

Without question, your physical appearance can make the mightiest of men fall to their knees in awe of you...

If your beauty could be compared to light itself, the sun would be useless

You are the most sublimely beautiful being in all of existence..

In fact, I can’t help but believe that God might’ve been biased when he was making you..

Your eyes…

They speak a language I’m dying to learn, but I lack the skill

Your mind…

A world in itself that I long to travel, and though I have the time, I don’t have the means

Your presence…

Provides a moment of warmth, enough to thaw the ice caps of a hardened heart

From your captivating smile down to your feet...

It’s undeniable that He put a little more effort into making you…

Science says all things are made from atoms, I say every atom that comprises your being is worthy of being loved...

It’s torture having met you, but not really knowing you...

Because I can tell that what makes you beautiful isn’t something as temporary as your looks...

But perhaps its something about your soul, or the pureness that radiates from your smile.

I wish I knew you more. But for now, these things are what I’ll keep with me.

-Junior Alexandre ©

She is God fearing

She is Intellect

She is tenderness

She is Love

She is hope

She’s a dream, that I don’t want to wake up from...

She’s a good morning text, from the only person that matters

She’s a reassuring smile after a long day

She is selflessness

She’s the opposite side of the magnet that attracts

She’s the voice in the back of your head that screams “Be better!”

She’s encouragement

She’s the “keep going” when you want to give up

She’s the memory that you never want to forget...

She’s the deep breath, when you’re out of air

The overwhelming urge to obtain more knowledge

She’s the stars that light up the night sky

Beauty simply isn’t enough

She’s more...

She’s the willing shoulder after the pain

The tissue after the tears

The violent waters that smooths the rocky parts of life

Washing away the dust from the days..

That feeling you get on the inside

That first step towards your dreams

The first page of that book you Love

The hug that holds you up when you’re falling apart

The kiss that puts you back together when you’re breaking

She’s the joy you ask for when you’re praying

The person you talk to God about

The light that doesn’t fade, no matter how far you go

The hand that helps you out of denial

The heart that watches you breathe as you sleep

She’’s the presence that changes the atmosphere

She’s the desire to change for the better

That greener grass on the other side

The half-full glass

The beat that keeps you in time

The keys on the piano, that unlock the instruments of your soul

The music that lets you get lost in the moment

The freedom you feel, when dancing like no ones watching

She is hope

She is Love

She is tenderness

She is intellect

She is God fearing

She’s the one, I hope.

It's been 542 days...

I know because I've counted every single one of them.

& now I have the biggest decision of my life...

Ironic, that decision is whether I should end yours.

I'm sitting here trying to decide which moment of all of this has been the hardest.

Perhaps it's waking up every single day realizing it's not a dream.

Maybe, it was the night it all happened, waiting for you to come home for the dinner I was prepared to surprise you with. In an attempt to start over. A chance for us to let go of all the fights we were having. A chance to move on from losing our baby.

I remember the sound of your voice on the phone that night, I remember the anxiety in your voice. You reminded me that you'd be a little late from work, but I waited.

I waited. For what seemed like forever. Turns out it was.

Maybe it was the feeling of my heart sinking to the bottom of my stomach as blue and red lights flashed in our driveway.

Or the sense of hopelessness as we passed by your mangled Volvo on the way to the hospital. I was too shocked to think. I had too many questions and so little answers. Why were you driving so fast? Why were you in the east side of town?

It could be days three to 145. The days where all those unfamiliar faces would pop up during visiting hours. Telling me how much of a good person you were, or at least, thought you were..

I just wish they'd piss off, they don't really know you.

Yeah I understand they're trying to comfort me, and I know that's not how you'd want me to respond but I don't know if you're here.

I don't know if you're really here, and I don't know how to do it without you.

I'm sitting here, in this stupid hospital trying to pinpoint the exact moment that has been the hardest in all of this.

Maybe it was days 24, 76, 132, 250 and 310. Those days where God seemed to be playing tricks on me. Making me think that you might've wiggled your toes or moved your index finger.

Making me think that there was hope only to be completely discouraged a few days later by the lack of brain activity in your scans.

What are these doctors here for anyway? There isn't anything they can do but hope, just like me. And it seems like I'm the only one who's been hoping for something...for anything...

Maybe the hardest moment is deciding to let you go, and always wondering what if I should've held on just a day longer. Or 2 days, or another 542...

I don't know if I can live with myself without you, I don't know if I want to. I don't know if you'd want me to.

I'm really trying to figure out the hardest moment in all of this. I figured if I can pinpoint a single moment that I've already overcome, then perhaps I should keep going. And keep hoping.

Part of me wants to keep hoping. I mean for goodness sake, you're my wife. You're everything.

But then part of me, part of me knows the truth.

The truth that maybe day 358 might've been the hardest day..

That day I was looking for something as simple as the insurance card, but I ended up finding something more complex..

A letter. Quite a few letters.

You were writing to Jackson again...

But it was different this time. It didn't sound like just a letter. It sounded like everything. Those days where you shut me out, you opened up to him.

I decided to go through those letters. Looking for things that I didn't really want to see, but was just unable to stop myself from searching for.

You talked to him more than you talked to me...

You told him things I never knew. Like the fact that you were feeling lonely even though I was around.

Or how you felt so lost after losing the baby.

These letters reveal so much more than secrets. It was a portal into the life you lived behind closed doors.

And most of all, it gave me the thing I needed the most. Answers.

Like the real reason you were coming home late...

And why you were on the east side of town the night this all happened...

And the question I never thought to ask until now. Was our unborn baby....ours? Or just yours?

I'm sitting in this hospital and I think I've figured out what the hardest moment has been. And it's right now, looking at you, laying there. I know who you're supposed to be, but I don't recognize you.

You're not my wife. You're just a shell of the woman who spoke the words "for better or for worse."

& although you're here being kept alive by these machines, I think you died long ago.

I loved who you were but I don't know who you are. So I'm letting you go.

A Love from long ago...

They say the mind replays what the heart can't delete.

Thoughts ripple uncontrollably, they tell themselves, 

by themselves

& no matter how much I fight, I've concluded that....

You're the thought I can't get out of my head

Yet even when I don't want it, I welcome it.

A seed of feeling, I'd sown so long ago, & no matter how much I water, or don't, the feeling always seems to grow.

Every part of you, equivalent to a fully blossomed flower.

You're radiant in all your ways, so even if someone's having a dark day, you'd give a piece of yourself just to lighten their way.

You've become the most selfless person I know.

For anyone you love, you've let a petal go.

Without an agenda for the things you do

You've made every bit of happiness, stem from you.

I've found you.

A beautiful garden

An oasis of serenity, amidst a chaotic mind

So simple, yet so complicated.

Colorful, bright, and powerful.

You shine.

Trying to forget how much I love you is like trying to dig to the bottom of a lake with a shovel.

Refilling faster than I can take out,

For every memory I try to erase, it's replaced with one better.

With that being said I've decided to embrace the fact that you'll always be the best first thought that I can have while getting out of bed.

I won't fight it anymore, even though I'll likely never have you, I hope the person that does will adore you the way that I've always dreamed of.

My love for you is seasoned, aging like fine wine, it only gets better with time.

So no matter how long you take, if you ever decide to come open this bottle, I promise it'll be like nothing you've ever tasted.

Words for me to explain what I feel for you, will likely never be created. There's too much of a feeling, too much of a yearning. So little of a doubt. You're one of those people that I wouldn't want to be without.

- Junior Alexandre ©

My thoughts of you...

Dear future Wife,

I know that God is molding you right now to be everything He needs, I know He won't send me you unless He knows I can lead, so I want you to know that he's also molding me.

But I want you to know that I'm scared, cause even though I know you won't be perfect/ I know you'll be perfect for me..

Will I be responsible enough for your Love?

Could I make you happy?

I've done that for a lot of people / but am I capable of doing that for you?

Could I make you smile / could I make you laugh so hard /that your stomach cramps / and tears fall from your eyes...

& in a different mood, could I wipe those tears dry...

Could I make you feel comfortable enough, to let your guard down

& if you do, could I protect you?

Could I cherish you, every single day

for the rest of my life..

Could I constantly & consistently / forget myself, & put you first?

Could I listen to your stories..

Could I feel your pain..

Could I understand your struggles..

Could I help you choose, the simple things / like what outfit you should wear today / or what color your nails should be painted..

Could I Love you...

Love, such a strong word, such a sure feeling / but easily confused

But what I do know for sure is that God is Love

And Love never fails.

So maybe you're out there right now, just as scared as I am. But if you read this, just remember that God loves you. And I'll love you too, soon.

- Junior Alexandre ©