I never knew the blessing that was

to come from my rejection.

From the email I received

Telling me I'd not reached that goal

Of getting a place at the university

My father had learnt at all those years ago.

I was not disappointed, for I already saw

that this university was not a place for me;

The top in the country, but stuck up,

And I was stupid.

But I could never have seen how that rejection

Would deliver me from a life of hurt

And pain and upset

From addiction and hatred,

To a life of love and freedom and light.

That rejection lead me to a university

Where I would meet the love of my life

The friends I would feel myself around

And would break the curses of abuse

That had held me my whole life.

And I would learn so many lessons

About how to treat myself and how to think.

And that rejection solved my pain and upset

It fixed my mind and my heart and it stopped me

So suddenly, from the horror of my brain and from

The will to end it that I had endured for so many years.

That rejection was a blessing

That saved my life.

The air was cold. The snow was thick. Wind bit my face and whipped my hair across my eyes. I'd missed my train by 20 minutes, and had still not reached the station. Instead, I was stood before the largest hill in a city made entirely of hills with a suitcase the size of me and twice as heavy. It had taken over an hour to drag the case here, covering a total of less than 2 miles, and the skin on my hands was cracking from the icy wind. I may die on this journey, I had decided. A clan of drunken man celebrating St. Patrick's day had offered to help carry this case the remaining short distance to the station. I'd declined; I did not want to be held accountable for the injuries they may recieve in their attempts to lift this luggage. I braced myself, held my breath, and heaved the bag up the hill. It took another 10 minutes to reach the station, some 300 yards away.

Having missed my train, I had to stay on the platform til the next possible train home, which happened to be 6 grueling hours after I'd arrived. I watched wearily as it pulled into the platform. The automatic doors opened, and people piled in and out as I dragged my suitcase over to the train. I took a breath, and prepared to lift the case into the carriage. And then I realised. The gap between the platform and train was exactly the width of my case, and I was not strong enough to clear the gap in one movement. I'd fallen at the last hurdle. There was no way I could possibly get my case onto the train alone...

And then three men, in their forties, approached me. With a smile and a joke, they took my luggage and lifted it with ease into the carriage. I thanked them several times over for their kindness, and found a space to stand with my suitcase out of the way of other passengers. The train began moving, and I began texting my partner about the men's kindness, when I was approached again by two of the same men. They smiled, "You look like you've had a bad day", handed me a hot coffee and a kitkat. I never saw them again. I can only aspire to be as selfless as these three men were to a young student travelling home for the Easter holiday.

I’ve learnt that people are selfish

because that’s how you survive.

I’ve learnt that people forget

because they’re more involved in their own lives.

I’ve learnt that children can be as horrible

As the parents who raised them.

And that teachers will abuse their power

When they’re too thick to see there’s a problem.

I’ve learnt not to trust

My own mind and family

And that you can never rely

On what's imprinted in your memory.

I've learnt not to make a fuss

When I'm hurt outside or in.

And I've learnt the secret to love

Is to be careful with the foreskin.

I've learnt to be true to my heart,

And study only what I like.

And I've learnt that freedom is important

And two minds can think alike.

I've learnt to see the beauty

In everything that I see.

And I've learnt to smile more

With each epiphany.

The time I broke my arm or

The time I got concussion

When I hit my head.

Being slapped in the face or

Scratching my skin

until I bled.

Losing nails and

Losing teeth, and

Throwing up in bed.

Nose bleeds and

Breakups; losing the one

I thought I’d wed.

None of these things

Compare to the thought

That she’d end up dead.

None of these things

Are more painful than

The life she has lead.

The light says youre safe

The dark draws you in

The light shines on your face

The dark shows you your sins

The light is white

And has no spite

The dark has smog-blackened skin

The light isn't right

The dark has no spark

Mutes the voice of the lark

While the light makes angels sing

Life is short

and it may be shit

and you're not the sort

to cherish it

you sit and frown

turn it upside down

but have you thought

you're the exhibit?

There are times

when it's not so bad

when your words can rhyme

like you wish they had

Or slightly less

But why so serious?

So be a vodka and lime

drinking undergrad

We’re sat at the dinner table.

Six of us talking, eating, happy.

One American. One Lawyer.

One Politician. One Philosopher.

One Mathematician. And me.

The Mathematician asks about exams

Because she’s the stressy type.

The Philosopher asks what an exam is

Because she’s a little bit ditsy.

The lawyer answers: exams are her life

Because she didn’t realise what her degree was.

The Politician moans

Because she has to learn the U.S. consitutions by tomorrow

And all the amendments.

The American laughs and says don’t bother

Because she’s forgotten it already.

The 1st amendment doesn’t mean all that much

To someone like me

And though it affects the lives of many

In a country away from mine

It affects my life in one simple way:

It’s a bonding point for people who should study

But would rather put it off.

I looked at her, a smile across

both of our faces;

Red cheeked, red lipped;

Mother and daughter, happy together

At last. In a way I had never known

her, to smile in such a way

but we were happy. All three,

we were happy. The bottles of liquor

empty on the family table,

The cans of beer that I had not drunk

And the wine that was instead my favourite.

And my father, laughing at her silliness;

At her squiffiness and I saw his love

For her, a love I seldom saw.

And I understood that love

In the smile across

Her beautiful face.

It's cold.

I feel sick.

And I feel very, very calm.

The trembling has stopped.

And whoever is in my way better move real quick because I'm not in the mood to ask nicely.

I won't talk to you. I'll just look at you. And you can see, right there in my eye, the hatred.

One wrong move from you, and you will live that icey hell I've harboured my whole life. You will feel all of the pain that I had to feel over all these years, all condensed into one glorious experience. And you will cry.

And it will be a glorious experience. It will be pure ecstasy, all that ice running through my chest will sublime and I will be a wild animal; I will be my father, and you will be my wife.

And you will cry.

You're tired, you should sleep.

Don't listen to her, you're fine.

Jesus don't be stupid, what else are you gonna do? There's nothing TO do.

You can go outside. You can go for a walk.

You're too tired.

Look the sun will do you good!

The sun hurts her eyes.

No it doesn't, you're just saying that. Stop it.

I'm not. She went to the doctor and everything.

She lied and you know it.

Hate me then. If I'm such a liar then hate me.

She already does.

I don't!

Yes you do. You both do.

Now come o-

Go away. Get out of my head.

We're not in your head! We're in our head-

Piss. Off.

Now loo-

ShutupshutupSHUTUP. I have to get out of here, I have to get out

You can't get out of your own body

I'll peel my skin off

please don't

Watch me

Please

I'll peel off my skin and tear my skull and rip out my brain just to shut both of you up

Both of who? You're the only one here.

You're all alone here.