New Years Resolutions

This year I'm not gonna trust anybody,

No longer allowing myself to be vulnerable

I'll act like I believe them when really I'm just picturing the day they fuck me over too.

This year I'm gonna say what I want even if it hurts people,

Cuz maybe if I hurt them they won't hurt me and even if they do I'll be ok knowing I hurt them first.

This year I'm gonna say no,

No, I don't want to be with you

No, I don't miss you

No, I'm not okay

No, you can't fix me.

This year I'm becoming a heartless asshole. And nothing will stop me.

I didn't realize how shitty of a person I am until I was out to dinner with family tonight and I told my mom I hate talking to my family. I justified it by saying I felt like I couldn't be myself and that I wasn't heard.

I didn't realize how much of a dick I was until I was in a restaurant bathroom sitting on the floor crying because of the things I said to someone who means the world to me.

It took me 21 years to realize this but no one should come near me. I'm just a monster in disguise.

I tell people I have a heart of gold, it's just wrapped in barbed wire

I tell everyone this

But really my hearts a wild fire

Don't get too close,

The fire will see you,

You will get burned

And then it's out with the old and in with the new,

I chase the ones that will leave me,

And leave the ones that chase me without a clue,

So stay away,

For I am a monster with a heart of a wild fire.

People always ask me, "why is it so hard for you to trust people?"

I respond, "why is it so hard to keep a promise?"

"I'll always be here for you no matter what" they say

"I'm glad, I will for you too" I reply

But what I wanna say is, "that's what everyone before you has said and they probably don't even remember my name"

I act like I trust everyone when really my heart is wrapped in barbed wire and caution tape,

It's not their fault though, it's the fault of everyone that came before them,

All the ones that broke down my walls just to walk away once they were done,

All the ones that made promises they couldn't keep,

"Why is it so hard for you to trust people," you ask

Why is it so hard to make people stay?

The brick wall was plain,

Red bricks,

Deep grey cement darkened by my tears,

As the nurse lets me in she told me your health status, grandpa,

You were lying on your bed with the back tilted up, as always,

You tried to get up but couldn’t manage,

You still greeted me with your thunderous voice,

But when I shook your hand it was different,

Before leukemia it was strong and energetic,

You,

But this time, there was nothing,

Before leukemia I could feel the blisters on your hands from years of gripping a hammer,

This made me see the man that you were,

But that was then,

Gauze and tape covered the bend in your arm from the wound of an IV drip

My eyes were focused on your pale skin,

I reminisced upon the time when your skin was tan

You were sitting on the roof putting shingles down the summer before and got a dark tan

You noticed me staring at the gauze on your arm

I fake a smile when you tell me ‘gettin’ old ain’t for sissies’ your famous quote

But this wasn’t just getting old,

And you were far from a sissy

We watched as the Syracuse Orange scored a touchdown and cheers came through the speakers

The silence in the room is deafening when the TV flicked off,

When I looked in your direction you told me how tall I’ve gotten

My conscience forces me to smile,

When all I wanted to do is cry

After we said our goodbyes I made for the door

I turned back in the doorway and the world stood still

I was making sure I’d remember you if that was the last chance we’d see each other

Who was I kidding?

You’d been in my life for fifteen years

The green algae in the water while we were fishing reminded me of your youth

Feeling the blisters on your hand from years of holding a hammer made you the man that you were

The man who could fix everything, grandpa,

That’s what I hear when see you in my mind

And this is how I want to remember you,

In a hospital?

You were sitting at the end of your bed in a room of white staring at it again,

That blank, red wall, the only color left in your life.

I hate trusting people,

Whether it be girlfriends, co-workers, or friends,

I see damn near everyone as a backstabbing piece of shit until they prove otherwise,

And half the time when they do prove otherwise, it was just a front,

To trust is to hand someone a gun and say ‘you can shoot me down whenever you want’.

But what are we without trust,

I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life,

I want friends,

I want a girlfriend,

I want a wife,

And a family,

But if I don’t trust anyone I get none of that.

I've trusted people who never deserved it,

Examples? I've got plenty,

My (ex) girlfriend, alcohol, my friend, a couch,

Another ex, a fight, my best friend, pictures on his phone,

An ex who said “you saved me from an abusive relationship”, two months went by, I still don’t know if she ever really left him,

The list goes on,

To trust is to hand someone a gun and say ‘you can shoot me down whenever you want’.

The gun has been given,

The chamber is loaded,

My knees are shaking,

Please, don’t shoot me down.

We don’t forgive because we’re weak,

But because we’re strong enough to look past the pain to what’s more important,

What’s more important is how much I still care,

How much your touch used to make me melt,

How much I miss the way your head rested over my heart as you drifted off to sleep,

Yes, I forgive you,

But forgiveness doesn’t come with a simple apology and a gentle smile,

Forgiveness comes after days of the can't eat, can't sleep kind of pain,

We don’t forgive because what happened doesn’t matter to us,

But because the person matters so much,

So much that I would go through the pain of it all over again for you,

So much that I could be surrounded by other females but never lose sight of you,

I told you that no matter what happened, I’ll always love you in this lifetime and in the next,

Therefore, my love,

I forgive you.

I’m incomplete without you

Half crazy

Half in love

Half wanting to hate you

Because I remember that time when you were my better half,

When we were both half-cut with love

When date nights were only half as good as laying in front of a movie

And then came that time when you said we were fine with your half smile but we all know half the truth is a whole lie

So our conversations ended in half the time

And then your hugs became half-assed,

I was always glass half full and you went straight to empty

And now texting me back is like your job half the time

Where did all the times go that we couldn’t put our phones down

The times where we would take silly pictures and laugh at each others faces,

It half kills me to look at you now ’cause I remember a time when I couldn’t take my eyes off you

Your half brown eyes had me mesmerized every time we spoke

But now I know accepting defeat is only half the battle of letting go

And so my mind plays back the picture perfect memories,

The ones that made it so I only hold her half as tight as I once held you

And I know he’s not gonna keep you half as close as he should,

Half as close as I would.

My name is Jay, and I was an addict for over two years,

You had me in your control,

You messed with my mind to the point that you owned my life,

All my time, money and energy was all directed towards you,

My friends became distant memories because of you,

My family turned their backs on me because you turned mine on them,

Yes, you did this,

You made it so you were my everything and nothing could take me from you,

Even though I broke the habit, I can't be normal,

Relationships never work because I try to make them my everything,

And they can't be that, that was only something you found normal,

My name is Jay, and I was an addict for over two years,

And now that I'm not,

I’m totally lost.