I thought I was more than this

More than who I was before

But old habits are hard to knock

As they come to my door

whispering pleads and promises

I fall back into a safety net

that has long since broken.

My heart can not tell a lie

I will say this

But my mind

Can spin a tale 

Faster than you can blink

Keeping everything

Deep inside

Trapped

For no reason.

One thing

In particular

Is kept deeply hidden

Beneath layers and layers of

Fluff

A giant concealed truth

Covered in misleading lies

And saying so

I must bare my heart

So my mind can't lie to you.

Hate

Is such a strong word

For one to use

About themselves

But here we are.

The need to hide the truth

Is deep

Primal

I can't let you

Know me

Letting you see me 

In any capacity

That leaves me open

Is death

But

That's what I wanted

Right.

Living on an empty tank

Filled with the residue

Of dreams once followed

Rusted by the corrosion of

Spite

What keeps this

Impractical method working

Seems to be

Drops of vengeance

That fall in

Now and again

Along with random bouts of 

Hope

That trickle through

Realistically

This method seems way too

Ineffective to work

But

That doesn't stop me

From not caring

And instead letting

Trivial thoughts

Power me. 

Funny

How the things

I want to do in life

Would kill me

I want to see what would happen

If I jumped off a building

What would happen first

Would I feel anything 

I'll never know

Impulsive

Is what I call it

Impulsive thoughts to do

Outrageous things

I could go into more detail

But

Gore isn't really my style

The phone knows something

That I don't

What I did?

Up for discussion

What I'll tell?

Nothing

Everything you need to know

Is here

And the only other person that knows

Is the phone

The side kick 

The 'innocent' passerby

Knows what it did.

The caller

Different each time

The only thing for certain

Is the phone.

Every morning the same thing

"I know what you did!"

And every morning I hang up

I don't care what you

Know

But please

Would you

Lose my number

Because I'm tired of my phone

Knowing more than me.

Emotions

Without definitions

Combine.

Days 

Turn to weeks

And nothing has changed.

Stages of grief

Being lost onto myself

All I feel is loss

Because no other word

Conveys so much

Desperation

For everything

To go back

Again.

Cycles doomed to be repeated

Anger

Sadness

Emptiness

All feeling the same to me.

I haven't forgotten

What you meant to me

But instead of you

I now have

Emotions.

Have you ever experienced something

That you knew

Would change your life

Something like a conversation

That suddenly opens your eyes

Or a person that fills you with

Inspiration

With burning fury

To do somehting

To show that what happened here

Wasn't for nothing

To contribute

To something you can only explain in abstract

Because its not some

Cause or

Righteous being you're trying to live up to

It's a feeling

That burns in your chest

That screams

THIS!

This is why!

This is why you need to create

To show the world what you can do

To show it you can create

Beautiful things

Ridiculous things

Magical things

For the sake of just

Doing it

That feeling deep in the pit in your stomach

That fury that fuels you to continue

For others it's hope

For some it's wonder

And for me it's spite

But whatever it is

Never

Let

It

Go

Because when you do

You'll quickly learn

How hard it is to light a used match