dreamer expectations

never satisfied

human impossibility

strength exiled

subtle confidante

seeking golden time

to a degree hesitated

immortally unknown

frozen in darkness

becoming in between

passing lovers invisible

friends' indifference

a precious departure

what belongs

few with lofty talking

tricky almost beauty

taking dosages of motionless carcinogens

I must distinguish between ghost and soul

strained omissions rich with daily misunderstandings and translations of denials

strong desires

sometimes in limbo

open and intimate

closed by aversion

point woman away

from moonlight dreaming

steady hearts

vacant vanities

ideal impressions

surrounded by clouds

drunk tired of not being good enough

open up to the sky

look at me

uninspired

lost and dirty tongue

flying

in the middle of will and way

insignificant and soggy

heaven can you forgive me

every time I am not enough?

I can't even love you the way I should

i'm dizzy in my fear

drowning in liquor of I-don't-know

if I can't be enough

it's hard to try

but I hold on anyway

crying red wine tears and needing a life boat

the silence between us

echoes on repeat

sterile

unmoved

my ghost holds her breath

lungs fill with stale air

you continue on your way

both terrible people

standing three feet away

letting our light fade into the darkness

pushing back skeletons

finding another human rotting inside

faithful to such a vacuum

echoes on repeat

disgusted by the lack of your voice

two types of banged up people

echoes on repeat

skipping to a connected beat

suspended in salty water

coldness expanding in silence

now

it's time for bed

where you loan me your heat

echoes on repeat

jusr enough to keep me from freezing

blue leaked from his eyes

I repeated everything

wonderful gray madness interrupted my tears

animating my lifeless body

I was rich by imprisonment

it seemed our souls were the same

I was a sealed worthy woman

most days

he married without fire

I wanted rough love worth obsession

his stars bled magic

gold circles which me sealed outside

he looked under my shadow

across that bus

rubbing my fingers one at a time

between his

we were drenched

stringy haired from the rain

staring into one another

the last two on Earth

I was a poem

he was my art

dangerously close to the edge of beating hearts

blue disappears without me

two souls tangled but not meant to be

we suffocated

all night long

squeezing ghosts

out of our eyes

ridiculous gestures

secret monsters

delivered from lovers

young and in need

shoulder to shoulder

heavy and cheap

tomorrow remained

utterly indistinct

Erase that

Hold your tongue

Tie yourself in a knot

They will use it

against you

Beat you

Talk trash

Behind your back

You're anger

You consumer

He'll talk about you

Up there

No calls

No cares

No one really shares

Their life

Wednesday nights

Are over

Can I get back

To serving

Baking bread

Smiling

Doubts

Uninvited servant

Odd girl out

Not your puppy dog

Quit following

Stop wallowing

Break out

Your uninvited

In the best Company

I've been selfish

Giving little

If any

I've relied on people

People disappoint

Every time

I've forgotten

I don't work for men

Nor do they work for me

It's a two way street

I was at the end

Crying tears

Big as oceans

So

I laid it down

Spit it out

Begged

For help

I gave

just a little

He gave so much

I got pregnant and dropped out of college one class away from a degree.

I've had three handsome men sweetly propose to me.

I have an overwhelming fear of being lost at sea.

I've had two surgeries on my bum left knee.

My husband of 10 years is four years younger than me.

(This is not so much a poem as just how I feel lately. Why is it so hard to find friends when you're an adult? I'm starting to wonder if it's me.)

Billions of people in the world

And I can't get one to join me

I just don't know

What's wrong with me?

I'm tired of being lonely

I want someone to laugh with me

To walk with me

To enjoy life with me

What's so wrong with me?

I give myself away for free

Still nobody will have me

The pain of my worthlessness

My wantlessness is getting to me

What's so damn wrong with me?

That I can't have just one friend!