Ever since you left me for her my clothes don't fit quite right

It's not about you thinking she's better it's about you making me believe that I'm not good enough

Ever since our first date when you gave me your hat my head has been heavy and sick

It's not about the baggage you gave me it's the part of me you took

You not only destroyed what I worked my whole life to build

But you left with such a big piece that even if I glued it back together

You could tell that something is missing

I am vibrant and I am fearless

But you dulled my colors and stole my courage

I am strong and I am lovely

But you made me weak

And filled my stomach with hate

Ever since you held my hand for the last time it's been shaking

It knew how soon you'd be touching her with those hands

How she'd tell herself she liked it at first

How you'd try to convince her she liked it every time after

Your lips were the last I've kissed and I'm thinking of them on her mouth

How you told me you asked if you could kiss me that first time

Even though I know if you had I would've said no

How you kissed my neck and I pushed you away but you always came back for more

I think of my lips saying no

Saying no and please and stop and I can't

And being silenced

Ever since you told me I was beautiful but not quite

I can feel the weight of your words on my skin

And it's not that I don't think I'm beautiful

It's that you took my body away from me and gave it back stained

I see her walking with her body intact

And I wonder how long until she can't look at herself in the mirror without thinking of your hands

I wonder how long until she loves you more than she loves herself

I wonder how long until she can love her own skin again

Ever since you sank your fingernails into my heart

It beats gingerly around the marks you left

I feel it flinch when I see someone who walks like you or wears your hat

And I try to soothe it but I can't quite bring myself to tell it everything's okay

Ever since you left me broken on that park bench

I wondered if I could bring myself to eat again

And it's not that the times you called me fat were echoing in my head

It's that I didn't value myself enough to actively stay alive

I don't know if you will ever learn that people deserve more than what you give them

But I know that I don't deserve what you did to me

And I'm hoping that's enough

I remember you told me that you've never hoped a day in your life

I peered inside your mind one time and I remember it was so dark I couldn't breathe

And I'm sorry you have to live with that inside of you

But I'm not sorry that I don't have to use my own light just to see 3 feet ahead of me anymore

You told me that nothing made you happy, not even me

You told me that you didn't think you'd live past high school

There was a while where I thought the same about myself

But I've survived all of my worse days and I can think of a lot of things that make me happy

Most importantly myself

When you left you said you'd see me around and I told you that you wouldn't want to

Because I'd be walking the hallways much freer without chains on my feet

And I'm torn between seeming happy when I walk past you and your friends to show you I'm better off now

And showing you the pain you planted inside my bones and buried deep

But I've discovered that now that you, the eternal victim, have come out from under my wing

I think I can find the strength to fly again

And you may be tall but you've always been afraid of heights

So I know that if I shoot for the stars you can never follow

I'm going to love myself better than you'll ever love her

And there's nothing you can do to stop me

Hey Riley.

Honestly? You're beautiful. You have a lopsided nose that only crinkles on one side and your skin isn't super clear and your lips are small and you're not as skinny as other girls.

But honestly?

You were born painfully and sweetly to a woman who had barely dipped her toes in adulthood. She kissed your nose every night and when you grew older and developed freckles there she told you that angels kissed your nose and cheeks as you dreamt. She watched your face scrunch up and wrinkle when you cried and laughed for the first time. You buried that nose in your father's neck when he finally returned from his eternal work day.

Honestly?

Your skin is what your great grandmother told you resembled her beloved porcelain dolls. When she lost her mind in the various nooks and crannies of the years she remembered your fair skin and bright hair and practiced your name before she went to sleep. Your skin is what lets you dye your hair every color you imagined donning as a young girl. Your skin is soft and swept with pink when you talk to a boy you like. Even if your baby sister innocently points out the blemishes on your face in her own oddly hurtful way, when she grows up you can tell her that you endured your teenage years with grace and dignity.

Honestly? Your lips are what allow you to talk kindly and eloquently. They let you speak freely and powerfully. They give way to a warm and expressive smile, and let you share the light you know is inside yourself. A smile that makes old people believe for a second that your generation isn't so bad. They kiss babies and get covered in whipped cream and get swollen when you play too rough sometimes.

Honestly? You're not as skinny as other girls. But you are strong and lovely and you have your grandmother's bones. You are solid and immovable, but affectionate and capable of unrivaled hugs.

Honestly? You are grossly flawed. You are lowly and imperfect in innumerable ways. Your heart has been broken in so many places you couldn't count them on two hands.

And you are beautiful.

Honestly.