fick-le

i saw you in my dreams last night

i was in your territory

hoping but not expecting to see you

and it wasnt pleasant

i didn't take advantage of the dream

having one last moment with you

to hold you and smell you and

pretend it was all okay again

you got my glare

my head shake

i turned and i asked you why

i didn't take advantage of the dream

and because it was a dream i heard

the cliche excuses 

because i dont really know why

because you aren't there anymore

and you left

without a goodbye

you were annoyed at me

for jumping to conclusions

i didn't take advantage of the dream

for passion, for love, for lust

for memories

for everything you could have been

and somehow i wonder

if you dreamt of me too

did you

do you

feel my ache

because i feel worse than i did

before the dream

i didn't take advantage of

i still have no answers

i still have no acknowledgement

you are

you were

the greatest nothing something

of my life

do you really think

that what you did

was a disservice to me?

see what you did was

give one opportunity

and it wasn't taken

and it came back to you

like the boulder you propped

uphill.

had your bait been taken

and the hook not thrown back

and pierced your cheek

still the honor you would

have bestowed upon me

to return to the tides

would not have been

the difficult path,

but home.

Until now, I'd lost all hope

Though my thoughts kept spinning

In childlike pirouettes

Everything else

Everyone else

had instantaneous instructions to flee.

And beneath the surface

Of a thick yet translucent blue

I neither fought nor succumbed

To the weight

From the pressure

And my two-handed grip was steadfast

But not strong enough to pull

My skeleton upwards.

It encased me.

The blue.

Like a thick skin

And when it stretched, its grip

Was stronger.

But now sometimes

On the darkest days

I can smile

If only for a moment.