Do not deny your reality

It was real to you

Those who can’t see it, simply aren’t meant to be

Theres nothing else you can do

You asked and set your rules

The rules just didn’t align

No need for push and pull

You will move on just fine

Let them go and wish them well

Hope they remember your words

For the short time you were in hell

There‘s a lot you both learned

Compassion and Strength; Ego vs Ego

When one opposes the other so strong

After too long, there’s no room to grow

It turns to who’s right and wrong

So you see, you feel hurt and unseen

You also hurt from guilt and regret

But on them you can no longer lean

Your love for them, you’ll soon forget

Without you, I just don't know

Who I'd be, what I'd think, or where I'd go

Everyday, I like to think

"I was too young, and too dumb," but then I blink

There you are, my sweet, sweet boy

To remind me why I'm here

And why you fill my heart with joy.

On my darkest and most sad days

Just your smile makes the gloom go away

Every time you've seen me cry

You touch my face, and look in my eyes

When you tell me, "It'll be okay."

You make the black clouds turn to gray.

You believe it with all your soul

You inspire me to fill the hole

That is my chest

I don't get rest

Until my boy reminds me.

I can’t handle the rejection

It shows an ugly reflection.

Is this who I am?

I’m doing all I can.

Deep inside, I don’t give a damn

While still trying to give my “helping” hand.

Here I am, trying to rhyme

Just trying to buy more time.

Still trying to remain so kind.

Who’s life I’m trying so hard to save, is mine.

I still am never good

I know I should see it, I wish I could.

Still I hide, under something like a black hood.

Under this black hood, just like I usually would.

I run and hide like a filthy rat

Then everyone wants to know where I’m at?

I come out, and it’s like I’m beat with a bat.

I let everyone walk all over me like a dirty floor mat.

I’m tired and I don’t want to be scared.

I just want to find someone who’s feelings I share.

They say I’m obsessive, annoying, and not fair.

So why can’t I do that thing my brain calls a “dare?”

Here I lay. Alone.

I can’t figure out the real way to feel right now,

So I’ll write instead.

That brings me purpose and feelings of reassurance.

That brings me pleasure

Even if it’s worthless.

It’s my worth.

There it is, a torn up story.

Torn by your own fingers, ripped to pieces

All because of your own selfish glory.

What is the story? Why did you tear the tale?

Because you couldn’t handle the truth,

You couldn’t handle your own fail.

You wrote the truth when your heart hurt the most,

and now it caught you off guard and its terrifying

Reminding you of the times you overdosed.

It reminded you of the truth and the guilt,

It reminded you of the anger and the fear,

It reminded you of the destruction of comfort and everything you built.

So why was it so hard to read the note

The note you brought up the most courage to write?

The note you thought was your last hope?

You still can’t face the truth, that’s why!

You re-read all the memories that made your heart bleed.

You read all the memories that made you cry.

But really, you shouldn’t have ripped up that story.

Those memories are the truth and why you’re here.

You just couldn’t handle your own selfish glory.

Why does my mind change every day?

Why am I okay?

and then the next second, everything will change?

I feel good about myself,

and then I wonder why I dont

Or if I'm even possible to love.

It doesn't make any sense.

I wonder if I've been fooling myself all along.

It just doesn't make any sense.

I'm confused.

I want to be in control of just one thing.

I want to be sure of myself.

I want to remain that way.

I just want to love myself with out on thing trying to change my mind,

Including my mind itself,

Judging and hurting and trying

All while trying to hide.

Tell me why

Why am I here?

Tell me why

What am I doing here?

I'm here for you,

I'm here for you,

I hope you'll be there for me, too.

But if you're not

I know why,

Your spirit belings somewhere beautiful

Somewhere farther than the deep blue sky.

You see, I'm here for you

Who am I if I kept you from you?

Kept you from your own love and your own light?

Kept from everything that helps you get by?

You make me want to sing

From the bottom of my heart.

You pull my heart strings

But only when we're apart.

My heart pours for you

Not because I need you here

But because I imagine all you can do.

And I hope for you

And you have all my love

Because I know you're doing beautiful things with all the grace from above.

I may not believe in a "God" or in your "Lord"

but you make me feel like there is something to live for.

And I finally understood.

Sure, I've been doing a lot better for myself lately. I've been slowly learning to love myself, but there's a long road ahead of me. Usually, I'll come to a road block.

I'll be entertained with an idea, and slowly, the idea will die.

I'll lose interest and fail and I'm right back at square one, asking myself what went wrong or that what I had my concentration on was never worth it to begin with. I'll never understand that part of me. It's always been there, and I know it will come back. I just have to wait for the next time. "Dreadful," and "worthless," come to mind when I think of that person.

There's another person, too. The person who waits for the dread and feelings of self-doubt remind me of a drama show addict. One that waits not-so-patiently for the next bad thing to happen, and almost wishing bad luck on their least favorite character. Yeah, that sounds about right. Only, the addict is me, and the show is my life. Two different identities combatting each other regularly. and its painful. I know those two will never leave my side though. I've come to accept that, but I'm trying to find the peace in the chaos. It gets old, even if it is comfortable in its own twisted way.

Self-worth has a lot behind it. Ultimately, how much do you love yourself? Enought to cut toxic people out of your life that you love and it hurts to lose? Enough to stop the good feeling habits that numbed you through the pain? What about choosing to live? Have you felt that much love for yourself? Self-worth means knowing your own boundaries. Self-worth means knowing when to put your foot down while still remaining humble. Most importantly, and commonly misunderstood, self-worth is not knowing your purpose, but instead creating a purpose for yourself, which means consistently creating. That gives your mind purpose. That gives you purpose.

I ache for the opportunity to create something beautiful. I just can't seem to think of what I want to say.

I think of what I want to say, but lack the way to portray it properly.

I think of the proper way to portray what I really want to say, and it never makes sense to anyone but myself. Maybe that's okay.

I finally understand. I understand my purpose.

"Are you searching for a purpose? Then write something, yeah it might be worthless. Then paint something then, it might be wordless. Pointless curses, nonsense verses. You'll see purpose start to surface. No one else is dealing with your demons. Meaning maybe defeating them could be the beginning of your meaning friend," -Twenty One Pilots

How do you actually make a promise to someone that you won't do something you want so badly?

They say they love me,

They say they'll be there for me,

They say that my pain will just pass to them in the end.

But after I promise, where do they all go?

They've left again.

No one is there to hold me now

My demons would hold me while I slept.

But who wants demons, until they're gone and they leave the stench of their previous presence?

I want nothing more than the stench to fade.

Do I really want comfort from my demons?

Right now, I do.

More than anything.

More than life itself.