My boyfriend of four years

I love you dearly

But

It still doesn’t feel right

I cant breathe in here

I need to get out

The tube is tightening

It‘s going to squeeze and pop

I know the right thing to do

My head tells me yes

I know I won’t be alone

So far, I think your the best

I’m hurting in here

We will never survive

Please come and catch me

Hearts keep you alive

Pulling off the dead skin

Bloodied and red, it itches and flakes

Skinny, bare, and torn

It hurts

Patches of raw exposed flesh, with long hair growing

Hair longer than it has ever been

Dying and healing at the same time

Leaving

So beautiful and so ugly, I love it

I bought the dirtiest shoes from Goodwill today. The only reason I bought them is because I would NEVER and I mean NEVER buy them in real life. But today was different. This time I will and am going to be different.

“And am!” With conviction, I say out loud. Getting a little more confidence the longer I stand in front of the mirror and eye fuck myself.

It’s true though. This time is different. Well even if it isn’t, I’m making it different. I came to the conclusion that I can’t make a mistake if “I” am not making one. I’m such a good actor.

I can’t believe this is happening again. Who is Freddy? Why him? I wonder if he knew Adam. I liked Adam. Actually, I was obsessed with Adam. I was his puppy. He was the master. I wanted to be his puppy( his bitch).

“Ok fine!” I yelled at myself. So hard too. I think I peed a little on my pad.

That stupid voice. Why is it making me do this? Again!

This time I’ll lie. And I’ll say my name is Allison.

I remember what I was wearing when I met her. All black. I was tired. I was drunk. I was thrilled! She had everything I thought I wanted. Everything I secretly do want but I just have too much class to show it.

Everyone was jealous. Even me. And I was talking to her. I had her engaged. But i was still jealous. Jealous because I saw what they wanted. I knew what they wanted.

She said I’m rare.

A mask amassed many masks.

Unmasked but still masked.

Still just masking a mask

With other masks

Unmasking new masks.

Are you here?

Are you there?

Who are you with?

I just got here.

I’m waiting for you.

Are you still coming...?

Well...

I’ll try to stay and wait.

But if I’m not here when you arrive.

Have a good night.

This is us

Fell into a love

Then spilled into a life

Stayed in a lust almost overnight

Immediately battered and beaten

Always knew but we never knew anything

Confused and accused

Felt ultimately cheated

So happy here

Very sad there

Our open arms

Blindingly clear

Just run away again

We just wish we could stay

There are no more options

This is us my friend

This is us.