How serene is it

To just live

To live neither as the subject

Nor the background

Of the irrevocable murals

Towering over untouched riches

To live as but a stroke

Of paint etched perhaps aeons ago

Perhaps yesternight

To just live

How liberating is it?

Familiarity

The solace it implores

Like decadent wildfire

And I seem to be,

Already burnt beyond

Any sense of self that could've

Been engulfed

By the wildfire that,

I seem to flee from and

in my safety blossoms an ugly

venomous

flower of loneliness but in a way,

Fuelling the very familiarity.

Oh, the solace!

I find in not burning

In this decadent wildfire

With no chance to rise like a phoenix.

But embracing the comfort

Of being buried

Under the weights of

The familiar, burnt, wilderness.

I’ve lost everything (From Inside)

I didn’t ask for this (Beth Crowley)

End of the world (Beth Crowley)

We will rise, change (Arch Enemy, Raoul Kerr)

Till then (The Classics)

Prisoner, I scare myself (Ankor, Beth Crowley)

Sanctuary, take me there (Paradise Fears, As Everything Unfolds)

Hiding from myself (As Everything Unfolds)

Dead hands feel no pain (Jinjer)

In the end, (Beth Crowley)

I’ll find a way. (Beth Crowley)

I am not nothing. (Beth Crowley)

PS. The title is also a song by Beth Crowley ;)

I sit by this windowsill in everyday,

And watch the sugar in my coffee melt.

They bring me exactly what I yearn for

With a formal yet comforting smile

Against the chaos of golden hour's traffic,

A beautiful mess and not an aimless one.

Distracting me from the fact that

Despite all these years I cannot fathom

How the world leaves me behind with each breath

That I take before I can get

A simple nod. A simple nod of approval

From the stern face who stares back at me

When I see myself in the window pane

As I say goodbye and

Force a smile before the traffic lights take over.

Until then I’ll be sitting by the same windowsill,

Watching the sugar in my coffee melt.

Very quietly in whispers you asked me,

Asked me if I'll ever be able to

Let go of all the unrealistic

Expectations that I hold for myself.

No one told me I was worth love.

To be loved, I was told, was selfish.

In my quest for no better half I knew,

Not once will I regret being not full.

Each day I awake with just you by my

Side, until I realised that you were the one.

Dear me,

All my life I've been searching for

You, my better half is no one but you.

Remember when to see me you gathered?

Just born, but my fingers rose pink,

As delicate as what once was madder.

With joy I welcomed my first, painting.

With lilacs and saffrons you taught me what’s life.

Celebrated a child through merry shades of yellow.

And with each mistake you wouldn’t let me cry,

You’d tear it apart, shh, and bury it in your meadow.

On my first medal you brought me lavender.

While you squeezed in the lemon and mint,

You said- be as kind as these petals tender.

So in my naivete I let my parasites win.

You let me believe your art I had mastered.

From oak apples I created an art mine, an art new.

Regal black shone bright, blinded I flustered,

Why, amongst all inventions, are comforting so few?

At my first job you told me with pretty green,

Like nettle, my dear, don't fear to hurt if you gain.

But isn’t my gain is too hurtful for you to see?

I crammed pestle against mortar but was I too late.

The darkness grew and grew, I knew,

I cannot, will not, hear your heart scream.

So I chalked out some ersatz white soon-

Life is all grey if I ignore the rare extremes.

Now red stains the rocky sea cliff edge, I stand,

To see my messy canvas be devoured by blue waves.

Please don’t send me flowers as we planned.

I’m not sure I have it in me a me left to paint.