the hot sun

makes you forget the rain

how it felt

when it rained everyday

you think it won't ever come back

but it always does

secrets

are only a secret

if kept with one person

you cannot have a secret

when you begin to share it with the world

that’s why i share this

the secret that i’m sharing is love

a secret love

i’m beginning to learn to have for myself

i thought i couldn’t live without you

it turns out

i wasn’t living when i was with you

i was hidden away

concealing the real parts of me

letting you tell me how i should be

leaving you was a fresh breath of air

it was freedom

allowing me to love myself

every part of myself

even the ones you told me couldn’t be loved

i will love them

every one of them

now i’m alive again

more myself again

than ever before

i hide away on this site

it brings me closure

it lets me give all my fears

insecurities

to the world

everyone around me

feels the same

they know

what it feels like to hide away

to want to be heard

that’s what this has given me

the ability to have somewhere

to give myself to

even on the worst days

i can give myself to the words

the poems

to prose.

it only took you two weeks before you found someone else. i saw you with her like you used to be with me. constantly clinging to her side and wanting her attention. giving the love to her that you used to give me. i was so stupid. so stupid to think you ever cared to think that you hadn’t had her lined up to be your choice the second i told you i wasn’t happy. i just wish i wasn’t so stupid to believe that you had just made a few mistakes that you were actually a good person. but there you were cozying up to someone like you used to do to me. i don’t know why i ever thought you were good enough for me. i was way too good for you and i hope that you know that. i hope one day you wake up and realize that you lose someone who cared about you more than anything and i lost someone who didn’t care at all.

on the day that i left you, i knew that it was over. i had spent weeks convincing myself to tell you that i didn’t want to be with you anymore. i knew that many times before your sad eyes and sweet talking had convinced me to stay. but this time, i had never felt to broken. i felt the weight of all that you had done to me and everything that i had been hiding away slowly rose to the surface. you never respected me or loved me. i just didn’t know how to understand that me, my body, or my mind were never good enough for you. you wished you could be with someone prettier, curvier, bustier...but you settled for me. why? why did you have to tear me down? you settled for the small girl with a pretty face...she will do. she has enough. she’s stupid enough to love me. she’s dumb enough to believe me. she doesn’t have enough self love to leave me. i didn’t. i never did. i let you disrespect me and lie to me. i let you use my hate for myself to your advantage. i only wanted love. i was so desperate i was willing to cling to anyone who would pretend to love me. i craved it. eventually, i left. the day i left was freedom. it’s a feeling i can’t forget. i didn’t need you. i only needed myself. but this is me saying that i'm better off without you. the door is now closed, this is goodbye.

i crave to be the poets i read

the ones that make me feel everything

so deeply

like someone finally understands me

the words sound in my head

i want to write like that

to be that for someone

i gave myself to you

you and your lies

every time i wanted to leave

i found myself believing you

again

and

again

i only wanted to feel love

to feel how they felt

in the movies

but you tore me down

exposed all my insecurities

controlled me

you forced me to hate myself

more than i already did

i thought i needed you

to feel something

anything

all i felt was unwanted

i only wanted to feel love