one two three

one two three four five

one two three four five six seven

one two three four five six seven eight nine ten

the numbers are controlling my life

help me

i would turn this post in but it’s at 33 words and that’s not good

i don’t even like the sight of 33

thirty-three

better

but still 59 words

fifty-nine

even though thirty-three is two threes which are good

together is bad

and we can’t have that can we

i need to get to a good number

then i can sleep

but no number is a good number

and every number can always go further

and turn into a bad number

we’re at 114 which could be good if it was just 115

but it’s not

now 130 which would be good if i hadn’t added extra numbers

even though it has 13 in it

ten plus three

seems like it could be okay

but no

it’s terrible

ten and three are good apart

but together they’re terrible

and it’s 2:17 am which i hate

we need it on the hour

or 2:20

hell, even 2:22 would be better

and now we’re at 196 words

now 200

but i just can’t stop now

because 2 isn’t good enough

no

it’s too small and weak

like me

giving into the numbers that rule my life

starting on the right foot while walking

taking the right number of steps

saying the right words the right number of times

touching the wall in the right place

putting on my chapstick the right number of times

and if those thoughts come

god forbid those fucking thoughts

we can’t have those in this mind now can we

so to cleanse and tell ourself no

we have to touch the wood

and feel the dresser underneath our fingers

one two three four five times

with each hand in rapid succession

five times on each finger

like playing the piano

but as soon as i do that

the thoughts come back

and i have to do it again

that makes two

so i do it three more times

that makes five right

but it’s also 1 and then 4

neither of which are good

so we have to make it to ten

and the bad thoughts keep coming

and the tapping keeps going

and all i want to do is sleep

but when i close my eyes it happens

and 1 and 4 and 3 and 2 make ten

and ten is wonderful

but one? no

four? no

3? alright

two? no

and so we keep going

and i keep spiraling

farther and farther down into the abyss

it’s almost 2:22

which is the closest i’m going to get to a good time

and i have 460 words

i need five hundred

please

i can’t do this

i need to sleep

all i want to do is sleep

and my eyes are crying but i don’t feel a thing

fuck it’s 2:22

five hundred

i want to tell them

but i told them i knew someone

who was the same way

and they said they didn't want

to talk about it anymore

because it was disgusting

and i'm scared

~~~~~~~~~~we’re being consumed

slowly

///from the inside///

[eaten alive]

~~~~~~~by the monotony

of the world

///and the chaos///

[that surrounds us]

help me

i need to get out

we need to get out

we need to get far

far away from here

until we can’t

hear the screams

any longer

we’ll never

be able

to go

far enough

for that.

depression isn’t being lazy.

depression isn’t being lazy.

depression is not being lazy.

it’s being so drained of energy and motivation that you can’t get out of bed.

it’s not having enough will to do the little things, so you leave your clothes strewn all over the floor, your room in disarray, your week-old dishes piling up in the sink.

it’s being so ready to lose at any moment that you don’t bother fighting to win.

it’s not laziness.

it’s depression.

call it by its true name.

what should i be feeling right now?

you threatened to stab me.

i should be feeling something,

anything at all.

i need to feel.

i need to be

confused,

concerned,

scared,

worried,

terrified.

instead, i just feel

e m p t y

this happens too often.