You are a conundrum to me.

I see you faltering and hovering and fumbling,

clearly so desperate for a release,

to be free.

And yet,

every night without fail,

you pull those chains out and tie it around your torso,

and stare unblinkingly into a blue screen,

as though staving off The Unknown.

The Unknown is here though,

I'm already here.

I wish you could take joy in the matter resolved,

but you won't ever know.

I'll keep you company though,

watch you fight and be lulled by the current,

every night and day.

I'll keep watch, so rest.

Bad days are not bad days,

they don't tear my life apart.

I am still whole,

mostly look quite well,

and still standing firm.

Oh but you see,

Bad days come out of

nowhere.

Oh but you see,

they were there before

I

was.

And so that fizz just comes up,

bubbles that melt away,

my tears they rise quietly,

but they take over the day.

And my mind

it s

p

i

r

a

l

s

away, quite and loud and big and bold and whispers that tangle and push and-

I pull myself back up again.

Her moonkissed lit up eyes,

shimmering like nothing before.

And now the world explodes,

the world comes before,

the world and I finally meet.

Her eyes they touch mine

a breath gasps far away

the dull world has turned

left to never return

I now can see the stars

starry nights and scars

golden spools of light

love at my first sight

Her eyes are the world now

I now know what beauty means

I was blind with brilliant eyes

I can now finally breathe

now live.

I have been abandoned by the hurricane forevermore,

gloom, storm, lightning. all gone.

I'd reached the midst of it all,

and now it withers away from me 

cowering stumbling 

crumbling 

                            away 

I now see pockets of pure white, 

the pocket has turned into a coat,

coating me, ripping the tear drops away 

raw 

and alone

I strain my eyes to see the last wisps 

they fade and rise and float and thaw 

fainter and fainter and faster and away 

the last hinge creaks off 

I sit now 

alone 

the silent white sky and me

An empty ballroom,

just the two of us,

waltzing and tripping,

(you say that its me,

but let’s be honest,

it’s mostly you).

We swing and laugh,

galvant all around the room,

spinning away the night.

Casual intimacy,

hands pressed lightly against one’s back.

The dip of bodies,

gently embracing and not.

A very sweet night,

light all around us,

it felt like a second and a year,

nothing and everything.

Remember, this is not the last,

you will see of us.

Your rough calloused hands,

enveloping mine completely.

strong hands that deal with iron,

but softly caress my palm,

are you as steady as you seem?

with those creased crows feet,

and squinty eyes,

how are you so fine?

You see no flaws,

no marrs or blemishes,

You only see a person,

whole,

filled with emotions.

It's an amazing feeling you know,

trusting someone so completely,

left vulnerable beyond words.

Snd I know I am too closed off,

all these barriers that I don't even know I have.

How is it that you melt them away,

that I pour my heart onto you,

and I don't even notice?

I don't know if you know all this,

if you are actually as knowing as your eyes seem.

but even if you did,

I don't mind,

you should probably realize by now,

I trust you.

The soft thud,

that we hear,

when the butterfly tears its wings,

and falls,

dramatically,

onto the ground.

The soft thud,

that we feel,

when the heart tears itself apart,

and falls,

dramatically,

to be earthbound.

There lies the forest,

beyond my reach,

a strange little humming,

of a life that is beyond my control.

Trapped I am,

in this never-ending routine,

predictable and linear,

no deviation from its course.

A strange little inevitability,

etched into all of us,

yet how so is it,

that self awareness came to me,

but try I act different,

and an outcast from society?

To change the tale,

the result just might fail.

But let the paths twist and turn,

let them end suddenly,

to get out of this little programmed life.

All I want,

is just to breathe.

I was clever,

privy to secrets,

to the pattern of the world.

Tiny I was,

everything came easy to me,

and struggle nor work,

did I.

I am struggling.

Work overwhelms me,

and I try to run away.

Procrastination has become my friend,

and I hang my head in shame,

now realising how work

is not for the weak willed.

Now I realise,

and I now I learn,

not leave everything on hope,

and try to earn

I will have something in the future,

a strong willed mind

that won't break under pressure.

An asteroid that no gas giant will stop.

I will have will,

and be who I want to be,

my path will lay among the stars,

a blazing trail for all to see.