i hear that, when someone says my name, you can't control yourself anymore. i hope your body can't function when you ever think about me. i hope you wish you could go back and actually listen. did you know, when i hear your name, i don't lose control anymore. i used to not be able to breathe, and not because i regretted any of what i did. no, i don't think i ever will, but there are days when i overthink what i chose to do, especially when im talking with certain people. that being said, i fully realize it was what i needed for months, i was just too scared early on. i wasn't scared of you, but rather the idea of losing someone close to me, no matter how upset that someone made me. for you, however, i want you to suffer as much as i did at first. the idea of you watching me live my life while you are regretting everything you've ever done, especially to me, brings me unparalleled joy. not for Her, but for me.

i have to relearn a lot of what you took from me.

i need it back, and im not going to ask permission.

#prose

its amazing how you can be struggling right in front of someone and they don’t seem to notice

they could be looking into your eyes as they fill with tears and still not see the pain behind them

so if you leave them, they end up wondering why they hadn't seen it coming.

but it's not your fault, because you did all you could to show them,

they just have to keep their

eyes

open

#poetry

#prose

every time you look at my lips, i want you to feel your heart fall to your feet

my burning touch should leave you with endless nightmares,

and you should crave the sight of me again

but you never will, because you never did from the beginning

you let me live thinking i was worth something,

and now you’ve left me with nothing to hold on to

i want you to wake up thinking of how much you wish you could taste me again,

when i’m near you, i want you to feel my eyes digging into your back.

and with every step you take, remember the pain you put me through

but you never will, because you deny the hurt

you let me live thinking i was worth something,

and now you’ve left me with nothing to hold on to

when you see me moving on without you,

i want you to remember how good you had it when i was by your side

know that even though you broke me,

i don’t need you to heal me anymore

#poetry #prose

they want his side and don't want mine, but i just dont understand why or how. why would they? how could they? i told them, i showed them: he played me. he used me. he said he was selfish. he didn't believe when i told him he broke me. i wasn't lying.

they said they were with me, they gave me words of support. but when i came back, and they saw him, they turned their back to me. they said i had to listen to his side, they said he's changed, he's not doing anything anymore. but they don't even know what really happened.

he said, countless times, that he would change for me, for himself. but he never did. at least that time, he pretended to. this time, he mocked me and said i was lying. i wasn't lying. i never was.

please, i beg, let me show you the proof. please, i'm crying now, let me tell you everything.

#poetry #prose

when i was younger, an older boy kicked a soccer ball at my back. he apologized, it was an accident. when it hit me, all the air was knocked out of my lungs for just a few moments. it felt like i was dying.

losing you felt similar, like all the air in my lungs suddenly escaped through my mouth, except you didn’t do it on accident. i haven’t been able to breathe in weeks. i think i’m dying.

#poetry #prose

every time you look at my lips, i want you to feel your heart fall to your feet

my burning touch should leave you with endless nightmares,

and your body should crave the sight of me again

but you never will, because you never did

you let me live thinking i was worth something,

and now you’ve left me with nothing but numb

- excerpt of a song i hope to write

we start our days with gold.

gold envelops the sky, coating all clouds.

clouds lose their shimmer as the night grows nearer.

nearer and nearer, the colors grow colder.

colder gold makes a dim orange,

orange dances with purple,

purple melts right into blue.

blue ends with the sky,

sky that is now painted as the world sets.

#poetry #prose

you show me love, you can tell me you love me,

but i can't feel anything, not anymore

i know i cause problems, don't think im ignorant,

call me names and tell me off,

i really can feel the love now

always hovering over me and pestering

i already know what you're going to say

but you don't seem to care

you tell me you love me, you say you show me love

but just because you say you love me

doesn't mean that i feel anything

#poetry #prose