They say I'm selfish.

They ask, why would I throw my life away, when some people had it taken away from them? They say, I'm so lucky to still be alive when other people aren't; why can't I appreciate that?

But every single time, I can't answer them. Every single time, I go quiet. Not because I am doubting myself, not because I've lost. Because every day, I ask myself the same question. Every day, I ask myself, why do I hate this?

To that I say; because life rolled downhill and it didn't stop. It was an endless rollercoaster that kept going down and down and down. It was falling down a hole and not knowing how to climb back up. It was crying yourself to sleep every night because you hated yourself, because you hated the world...

It was wishing for this, now, falling. The feeling of the cold breeze on my face and the beeping of cars, and screaming... the feeling, the sight of the grey stone pavement so close. So close now, I can feel it. Just a few more feet and I'll be free.

I'll be free.

Like a lightbulb going out. That's how it feels to die.

"What happens now?" I ask dizzily, to myself.

"You'll find out." a voice says from behind me. It's sweet and calm and peaceful, making me relaxed and welcome.

"O - oh. Hi. Are you an Angel?" I sway on my feet. The person has dark brown skin, and short black hair that reaches their chin.

They laugh. "Do I look like it?"

I look at the white shirt they're wearing, and the silver pants, and the silvery glitter in their blue eyes.

"I - um - yes," I answer, still kind of dizzy and confused.

They touch their hand to their heart. "Awwh. That's sweet. I'm Dylan. Come on, I'll show you to there."

"To where?" I reply, following them.

"To There. That's the place's name."

I rub my forehead. Who knew dying was so stressful?

"Oh. Right. Okay."

Dylan keeps on walking. There's nothing much to see. The ground looks like shimmery clouds and the sky is so blue. It looks like it goes on for miles.

"We're here," Dylan announces. I look around. It doesn't look like there's a specific area... it just looks the same as everywhere else.

Then, slowly, something appears in the air. It's electric blue, and the words start forming and I can't tear my eyes away.

[RESTART]

[LOAD]

I turn to Dylan. "What?"

They smile and shrug, and disappear into mist. Well, that was helpful. I turn back to the words. They're still there.

My hand hovers over restart. My life isn't complete yet... I have to go back, back to Dominique and Klark.

I press [LOAD].

Nothing happens.

And then something does.

She stood on the very edge of the bridge, wondering how it would feel to fall. Wondering how it would feel for everything to be over.

It was going on evening, and the sky was streaked with orange and purple as the sun set. She reached out to the sun, dipping lower into the horizon.

She wished she could do that;

Set below where people could see, disappear, until the next day, where everything would be fine again. 

Except it never was.

She closed her eyes and put down her arm. She sat down on the railing, looking down below, towards the abandoned road.

She remembered when everything was fine. When she was fine, even on the inside. She wished she could be that again.

But she couldn't be, and it would stay like that. She took a step forward, an inch away from falling. Looking down at the water, rippling, dark, mysterious, she felt happy, just for a moment.

But it was only a moment, and moments don't last forever. She wasn't happy, she would never, ever be.

That's what people said. She would never be happy, even if she tried. But she had stopped trying a million years ago; she would never be the same again. The world took away what was her.

She wished she could be happy again like she once was.

And she was going to make that wish come true.

She gripped the piece of paper, and jumped.

And she was happy again.

Anger.

Sometimes it's red hot,

searing,

passionate, fiery,

loud, demanding to be heard,

like tongues of fire licking against your back.

But sometimes it's cold, black,

hard like steel,

unbreakable, immovable,

silent, anger that cannot be seen with the naked eye.

But anger dies down.

Flames roaring up, will cool down fast,

the dent in the metal will break,

and you will be happy,

free, joyful,

from the grip of the anger that controls you.

But contentment doesn't last forever

Anger is not a choice

When you least expect it,

the horrid beast of anger

will climb up from its pit

And roar up again

And like a phoenix rising from the ashes,

Anger is back again.

They say the scars you cannot see are the hardest to heal.

I didn't believe that was true, honestly. Mental scars were a pain in the ass, sure, but were they really that bad? No.

Until now.

I peel a Post - It note off my locker door. 'GET OUT OF OUR SCHOOL, FREAK' is written on it. I try to keep a straight face, but I can feel tears in my eyes.

It's never been that bad. Bullying... it was never this bad. I was never so sensitive. Yet now, even with my calm face, I feel my heart start to ache.

I hate them. I hate all of them, the ones who make me feel like this. Who make me feel like I'm worthless or that there's something wrong with me, or I would be better of away or dead.

The comments they make in the hallway,

The sneers they make when they look at me,

it all hurts so damn much.

The way they talk about me, how they complain to the teacher about me, how they say I'm scaring them with the hideous red patches on one side of my face.

But we both know on the inside they're the ones scaring me. They wouldn't admit, not in a million years, but be both know it.

I can remember every single thing they have said, every single face they have made, every single scrawled message on a Post - It note which makes pain explode in my chest.

They say the scars you cannot see are the hardest to heal.

And I think that's true.

I get a Red Sharpie and put a big 'X' over February 14th.

God, I hate Valentine's Day.

Not just the concept - of getting together with a loved one and sharing something special with them. I mean, you can do that any time.

But just the whole thing. The couples on the street, the judgement of being single, and the pain of seeing who you love not love you.

Is it that obvious my heart is breaking?

Sadness as I walk through the streets.

Sadness as I see couples walk by, hand-in-hand.

Sadness as I stand in the doorway, no chocolates,

no gifts, no love.

Sadness as I see her kiss another person,

another guy, or another girl.

That's all Valentines Day is for me - sadness. And I hate it. I can't wait for it to be over. But it's not just a day. As long as chocolates are still on sale people will find excuses to love their partner more than any other day.

And I want to feel happy for her. I really do. But when she refers to herself and me she says 'you and me,' but sometimes I wish she would say 'us,'.

#valentinesday #february14th #romance