The Loss

I need to get this off of my chest. Its been eating me up for a while now.

I had four sons, two of whom are gay. When they were all very young, I knew I didnt want to be the kind of Conservative Christian mother who was intolerant of my sons choices in life. I saw too many families torn apart over life choices, and gay children dying of AIDS alone without thier families just because they were gay.

I love all of my sons with every piece of my being. I wasnt going to let anything stop me from loving them, gay or not.

I supported all of my sons in everything they did weather it was band, football, art, or baseball. I even embarassed them because I was the loudest mom in the stands cheering for them out on the field.

I accepted when my sons came out, I accepted the thier friends, allowed thier friends to come over, they even thought I was a cool mom for a bit.

Thats not to say that i didnt loose my temper with all of them. There were a couple times I really lost my temper, once I threw some dishes because I was so angry, (not at them)the other I broke a chair. I was spanked as a kid, so when they were young I thought spanking was right, but i stopped when I realized there were better ways of handling punishment, they were all under ten years old by then.

I wasnt a very mature mother, I was 20 when my youngest son was born, admitedly I made so many mistakes. How many times do i have to apologize to make up for my mistakes?

My now grown 38 yr old married gay son, informed me that even though i took him and his brothers away from thier abusive, alcaholic father, that I continued the abuse.

I asked what he meant, he brought up what I mentioned, and that he was made to clean as if he was the only one who had chores.

We all had chores, dishes, laundry, trash. Simply picking up the house. I thought i was instilling responsablity so they would grow up being decent adults. I had rules and I enforced them.

Somewhere, Somehow I have failed because this now 38 yr old has decided that I am a narcisist and he has cut me out of his life.

This started when I spoke out on some political views that he disagrees with.

The thing is, Im not the only mom with an adult child having this issue. I know others out there who have expressed similar issues with thier adult children.

Im so lost. I love my children, even this one but i dont know what to do anymore....