Not Forgiving, Just letting Go

It's hard to let go of something you never actually had. Some luxury all made up in your mind. Sure, he was physically there, sometimes, but you craved a father so desperately you accepted that. You were even satisfied in that piece of your brain. But then you grow older and realize why are you the only one putting in effort to this relationship? He's the adult, he's the one who took custody of you, took you away from your mother and your siblings. But he never wanted to see you. You learn to misbehave because you know his only joy in life is taking control. Punishment and control, it's like his heroin, he'd inject it in his veins if he could. His attention is your drug, though. If you could grab his attention with your hand, you'd crush it up into a fine powder and snort it.

He won't change.

You told yourself your whole life he'd do better someday. That he loves you deep down, even if he never says or shows it. You try and try to build a relationship, but he doesn't care. The second you are out of his grasp he reaches out to you like you said his name 3 times in the mirror with the lights off. Bloody hand reaching for you, begging you to let it in. If you just let it in everything will be better. Forget what it was like before it'll be different this time, he's changed.

He won't change.

You go full no contact. You don't talk to him for years. You need time.

Even when he's not around you spend every extra second thinking about what you'd say to him. You practice the speech in the mirror. You never say any of it to him.

There's no way to forgive him. Stop trying. You can't move on mentally, but you no longer need to feel his addiction. You don't have to hear his voice or see his face ever again. So, you may not be able to forgive, but you're not doing too bad these days.