Familial Tax

Intubated mother writing a note that says groceries

Shes worried about home and still expects the worse of me

The clots in her brain haven't clouded her judgment

To say she loves me she's still too reluctant

As she heals she's more herself, and she's a pessimist

I feel guilty for thinking maybe the brain won't recover this

Maybe she will love me wholly, for who I am

Rather than scoffing and telling me im not a man

We cant choose our love ones, but what if they also hate

Like building a tower knowing crumbling is its fate

And this spire casts shadows, like a sundial of defeat

Disappointment in her eyes, she doesnt even need to speak

This hospital room an arena, im competing against history

Theres a pressure looming, theres a weird energy

The unknowns stack up, question marks throughout

A priest was here earlier i wonder what thats all about

She's helpless

She's fine

She's fighting

She's died

Theres the passing of the feelings then the feelings of the passing

I couldn't have predicted that within an hour id be laughing

A pressure relieved and a chasm born

New grief replacing anxiety well worn

Mourning mornings grow into days of despair

How will i know im wrong without you there

Because you can't now, im focusing on me

And goddammit im puffing my chest out on my own two feet

I've only seen myself through your eyes, now I fully exist

Staring in the mirror for years saying “is this it”

But now im a person now im myself

Nobody will take that away, no way in hell

She's fighting

She's fine

She's helpless

She's died

As time passes bits of you materialize

Like when im down on myself or have pain in my eyes

You hurt me because of the hurt in you

Id say youre forgiven but that not true

You didnt ruin me but dammit you tried

Never thought id feel relief when you died

Standing at your casket my tears lied

Not yours anymore my life is MINE