Chapter 7- The Affliction

It wasn't the first time I'd killed a human. A drunk at the bar started up with me shortly after the incursion. He called us Watchers, not believing that we'd remained human after we were touched. When he bolstered that we should be run out of the colony, he attacked me and my brother with the glass bottle from one of Divern’s home-brewed specials. I blacked out then, too. Lucky for me, the colony dismissed the claims as self defense. The attacker, Jim Crandall, was the town drunk anyway-which I'm sure helped my case. A war hero’s word was worth more than a hundred Jim Crandalls.

The next day Grisham put the pieces back together, and it hurt like hell. But not worse than it did now. I thought at the time that the pain was because he was still learning how to use his abilities. But the reality was, the more painful the memory, the worse it hurt when it was restored. I'd learned that repressed memories didn’t often want to be recalled. The pain of the recall was one that I was not willing to endure most of the time. But I had no choice in this particular matter. I had to relive the death of Jim Crandall to tell the colony what I'd done. I had to justify it or face exile.

The Colony found it easy to forgive me for the murder of Jim Crandall with the incursion still fresh in their minds. I’d saved enough lives to forgive the murder I’d committed. Although, the look in Brody Crandall's eyes made it clear he wouldn’t forgive as easily as the rest of the colony. Even though he fought alongside me, I had no doubt that Jim Crandall’s son would kill me if he ever got the chance.

Aside from what I'd done to Jim Crandall, I was able to avoid facing the recollections. If no one came to find me for the wrong I'd caused, then I left the memories locked away. I only accepted Grisham's help if I had no other choice. As time went on, he stopped offering. The times he did offer, I'd often wondered if there was something he wanted me to see. Something that wasn't quite murder, but a memory he wanted to show me for some other reason. But my penchant for self-preservation was stronger than my desire for truth, so I never asked.

Most often, my goal was to get wasted enough that the memories of the incursion didn’t pain me, so I never asked for Grisham's help. Seeing the Alpha suck the soul from my brother and my comrades that night plagued my nightmares. I watched my comrades turn into the scaled beasts before cutting them down. I waited for my brother's body to turn and prepared to cut him down too. Seeing my brother lying lifeless took something from me. I had nothing left to lose when I thought I saw him die. It was a feeling I couldn't escape. The anger and grief that swept over me then propelled me into the savage Divern needed to stop the incursion that day. But seeing his vacant gaze reminded me of my mother. It haunted me just as hers did when I found her body.

My mother had died shortly before I joined the Facet corps. When I got home from school, the door to our home was ajar. I called to her, but she didn't answer. The kitchen table was thrown onto its side and she was lifeless on the floor beside it. Her vacant green eyes were open and opaque. Her red hair was torn from her braid and matted. I grabbed her arms to shake her and my heart sank when I felt how cold she was. I cried out for her until a neighbor eventually came to pull me away. When they took her body to cremation, I saw the bruises on her neck. The report said that a home invader broke in and strangled my mother, but took nothing from us. I joined the corps the next day.

“Vellum!” I yelled to him with venom in my voice. He sat on his horse on the opposite side of the road. He stared at me from beneath his messy black hair. The shadows cast over his eyes made him seem even more distant. His gaze was hard and unforgiving as if he regretted nothing that had happened or that was to come.

“Give it back to me!” I yelled.

He stared at me, not uttering a word.

“You son of a bitch!” I screamed. “Give me my pipe!”

I tossed Grisham to the side and stumbled to my feet.

“It doesn't belong to you!” I shouted.

Vellum dismounted in a single movement and stood before me. I was mere inches from him when I looked up at his face. I breathed heavily and fought to keep steady, swaying under a bout of nausea, but quickly regained my composure.

“Where is it?” I said through clenched teeth to fight the rolling in my stomach.

He continued to stare, voiceless. His silence enraged me. I felt heat rising in my chest and squeezing my throat. My eyes honed in on his face, unwavering and emotionless. Like a statue cut from the finest, harshest marble.

“Do you want me to suffer, then? You don't care if I'm in pain? You'll just watch me go mad? What a laugh you'll have, watching me lose my mind!” I screamed.

When he said nothing this time, I felt myself tip over the edge. I let myself topple over the cliff of rationality into a free fall of panic. I grabbed Vellum by his blue canvas Wayfinder's jacket. I dug my fingers into it and gripped with what strength I had left.

He said nothing, his expression unchanged. I gave him a forceful shake, but he scarcely moved.

“Rue, please calm down,” Grisham pleaded and spoke from behind me.

“Leave her,” Vellum said coldly.

“Grisham, help me get it back from him! Come on, help me!” I cried as fresh tears fell from my cheeks.

“I can't, Rue. It's for the best.” Grisham replied.

“What? You're abandoning me? Don't you care about me? How could you do this to me? I'm the only family you have left! Do you want to lose me, too? To be alone here?” I said. I turned to Grisham and felt a hand grip my wrist.

“Your fight is with me, Runel. Leave your brother. He's doing only what I've asked him to do.” Vellum said, releasing my wrist when I turned back towards him.

“Did you really turn my own brother against me?” I spoke through sobs and grabbed his jacket again. Without thinking, I started digging through his pockets. He didn't stop me. I rifled through every pocket. I dropped his iron knuckles to the ground and found nothing else. All of his pockets were empty.

Completely empty.

I looked up at him, warm tears falling from my eyes and trickling down my face like salty streams of despair. Their presence was a reflection of my terror. I knew what a sober night would bring me. I could hear the voices laughing at me now. There would be nothing to stop them from driving me mad.

“Why are you doing this to me?” I whimpered. Never had I felt so helpless, so alone. My own brother had turned his back on me. If anyone understood my suffering, it should be him. He let this stranger convince him to abandon me so easily. I felt our love slipping away as I embraced my anger.

Vellum said nothing as I pounded his chest and thrashed against him, screaming, “I hate you!”

I kept screaming and slamming into him until I nearly fell to the ground. He caught me before my knees touched the earth beneath us. His strong arms wrapped around my torso. I fought to break free, but he refused to release me. He hugged me tightly, and I cried like I've never cried before. I screamed out, a worldly expression of the pain in my chest. Every inch of my body ached as if I'd die right there in his arms.

“I'll die without it.” I sobbed into his chest.

“No, you won't.” He replied. I felt the vibration of his deep voice like the purr of a cat trying to calm me.

My body loosened, and I came to my feet. Once I regained stability, Vellum let me go. I wiped my face and looked around. Shelby, Burke, and Grisham stared at us. No words escaped their lips.

“I hate you.” I said to Vellum.

“I hate ALL of you.” I muttered as I walked past them and grabbed Copper by the reins. I led her directly into the woods.

I would find that Indigo on my own. Even if it killed me.

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“Rue, wait!”

Hearing Grisham call out behind me made me feel sick. He betrayed me. He turned his back on me when I needed him. Eventually, his voice faded away, and I was alone to find my way through the dark woods.

I didn't need him. I didn't need anyone to find the Indigo. I could do it alone. I was the Silver Blade, a fearsome warrior. I was the first female to make rank in the colony. The strongest warriors amongst us hadn’t faced the trials I had.

It was Vellum's fault. He was the problem. Everything was fine until he came along. He turned Grisham against me. My brother knew what I needed. He'd never keep it from me like this. Vellum had planned to ruin me.

I rode Copper into the night. I heard every sound in the forest around me. The call of a great owl off in the distance made me miss the comfort of my backyard and the security of my Indigo. The breeze turned cool, and I gripped my greens to keep the bite of it away. My legs started shaking. From fatigue or cold, I wasn't sure.

Sensing the danger in the darkness around us, I tied Copper loosely to a tree built a fire. My body grew more weary with each step I took. I had to find enough wood to burn through the night. Alone out in the wilds was dangerous, especially at night. Watchers weren't the only dangers out here. I would need to stay awake through the night. A fact I hadn't considered when I left on my own, though I likely wouldn’t have changed my mind regardless of the outcome.

I pulled my weary body to the pile of kindling I'd made and struck a stone against my flint until a spark ignited it. Once the small flame caught on the kindling, I added larger sticks and branches to feed it. I drew myself as close to the flame as I could without burning myself. My legs were still shaking, and now my arms joined in as well.

Regardless of the flame I stoked, warmth escaped me. I stumbled to Copper's saddle and unfastened my sleep sack. I laid it alongside the fire and curled up inside. The night was uncharacteristically cold for this time of year. I shivered in my sleep sack until I started to doze off. I tried to fight it, but sleep took me quickly.

I woke suddenly to the sound of Copper's braying. The fire still burned bright enough to illuminate the wolves snapping at Copper's legs. It was a small pack, but I had no weapons. My sword was still strapped to Copper's saddle-A rookie mistake. I stood up and dizziness overcame me. I nearly fell to the ground, and was forced to close my eyes until the spinning slowed. I grabbed a branch from the fire and waved the flaming tip of it towards the wolves. The smell of ash and smoke filled the air around us, making it hard to see. I fought back a cough and dug deep for any willpower I could find.

They snapped and snarled at me, their attention now diverted from Copper. Their coats were thick over their large bodies. The grey wolves circled me like prey. I spun around, waving the flaming branch wildly. I stepped towards Copper in an effort to grab my sword, but a wolf grabbed my leg in its jaws. I leapt back just in time to avoid the bite, but lost my balance along the way.

I stumbled back, dizzy once again. The branch flew from my hand and I looked up towards the night sky. I was defenseless as I laid on my back. I reached around for a rock or anything to throw. The wolves drew in closer. Their growls a whisper of death notes. Their shiny teeth reflecting the firelight.

One of them lunged at me, grabbing my foot in his powerful jaw. His teeth grazed my ankle through my boot. I struggled against him as he dragged me towards the woods. I grunted as I fought against his pull. I dug my nails into the dirt to resist, despite the strength of the wolf. I kicked relentlessly using the dwindling bits of willpower that remained. My breath grew shaky and labored as I realized I couldn't stop this. I knew death intimately and knew it would come for me again, I just hadn't expected it to be this way. Ripped apart by wolves was an ending I hadn't prepared myself to face.

I wouldn't go down as a coward. I would fight until the end. I owed Grisham that much at least. A wolf yelped beside me without warning. Raising my eyes, I caught sight of him. His black hair and wild eyes were captured by the firelight. Red blood spattered on Vellum’s blue jacket. Remnants from the wolf he'd cut down with my sword. He tossed the sword and it landed right next to me. I felt the pull of it. I grabbed the hilt and pointed it towards the wolf at my ankle. It felt much heavier now than when I wielded it at the Capitol and it shook as I extended it. The blade suddenly felt foreign to me. It was too heavy in my shaking palm.

The wolf’s teeth drove deeper into my ankle and I cried out in pain. As his teeth sunk into my flesh, I dropped the sword and continued my struggle against him. I was too weak to wield my own sword, but too panicked to consider what that meant. All at once, the wolf’s grip on my leg loosened and disappeared. I looked towards Vellum and gasped at the sight of him. Vellum had lifted the wolf with his bare hands and threw him into the woods with a deep, resounding grunt. The wolf gave a small whimper when it hit a tree and fell to the ground, unmoving. What was left of the pack fled at the sight.

When they were gone, Vellum breathed heavily and looked down at me. He walked towards me and extended a hand to help me stand. I hesitated before I took it and he hauled me to my feet. He knelt down so that I could drape my arm over his shoulders. My body was weak and shook under my own weight. With the adrenaline now leaving my body, it felt hard to hold my head up. Embracing the full weight of my body, he walked me to the fire.

“Your skin is too cold. We need to get you warm.” He said.

“Why do you care?” I asked.

“You're going into withdrawal.”

“Withdrawal?” I asked, grunting as I moved my injured foot, “How do you know?”

“I've seen affliction before. You won't survive the withdrawal alone.” He answered.