Chapter 5- Albatross

We approached the North Gate on horseback. Each of us now fully armed with the weapons Casian had left for us. The ax across Grisham's back reminded me of our days as Facets patrolling the wall. A welcomed sight as we entered the wilds.

Shelby had taken the bow and arrows as well as some throwing knives that sat strapped to his thigh. Burke had a large sword in a scabbard fixed to the side of his saddle as he rode. His sword made mine look small, but the ratios were appropriate for our sizes. I searched Vellum from head to toe and saw no sign of a weapon on him. He wore a white t-shirt, jeans, and black boots. His black hair shined in the sunlight while carrying its signature disheveled look. He rode with confidence. He sat tall on the back of his jet-black mare. The scars on his strong arms drew my curiosity.

“Hey.” Grisham rode up beside me. “You okay?”

I nodded my head. “Thanks for coming to the rescue back there.”

“I can't take all the credit. Vellum told me to check on you. I'm glad he did. What did Casian want with you?”

“He just brought the pipe for me. Why didn't Vellum get any weapons?” I quickly pivoted from questions that might lead Grisham back to Casian. He would never let me be indebted to Casian on his behalf.

“Rue-” Grisham began.

“I'm going to go ask him.” I had started riding towards Vellum before I had spoken the words.

I rode alongside Vellum. The North Gate coming into view as we continued. We'd be leaving the safety of Divern in a matter of minutes.

“Hi… Vellum is it?” I asked.

“Hello, Rue.” His voice reminded me of when he'd stopped Doc's attack. He sounded stronger now, less frail.

“You sound like you're feeling better.” I said.

“I am. My mind is coming back to me. Your brother has helped me.” He kept his eyes fixed to the road as we rode.

“He's good at that.” I replied. “Where are your weapons?”

He lifted one hand from the reins and clenched his fist. Metal rings wrapped around each of his knuckles.

“Oh. Nothing else?” I asked.

“I have some daggers. I need nothing else.” His voice was deep and warm. I wanted to hear more of it. It was like a song I wanted to hear over and over again.

“I've seen you writing in that notebook.” I glanced towards his saddlebag.

A simple nod of his head was his only reply. But I intended to get that warm purr of his voice to caress my ears again. So I continued.

“What are you writing?” I asked.

“Things I don't want to forget. My memory, it's- it slips. Ever since I was touched, I'm having trouble recalling things. I can't tell if they're recent or old, so I just keep a record of them.”

“Does it seem to help?” I asked.

“It does. I use it often. I look through what I've drawn if I need to. Or add to it when something new comes to mind that isn't already there. It's helping me reclaim my identity.”

“As a Wayfarer?” I asked.

“As a man.” He replied.

“What a gift.” I said as I looked away from him. Back to the road ahead of us. The Gate casting a shadow over us now.

“A gift?” He asked.

“To have an identity beyond what the colony gave you.” I replied.

“Don't you?” He looked at me finally. His dark brows drawn together above his bright blue eyes. Just peaking out from his black hair.

“I'm -” my heart caught in my chest as he looked upon me. I watched his eyes trace my face, my lips. My cheeks grew warm and I cleared my throat as I opened my jacket to find my pipe. “I'm all washed up.”

I lit my pipe as quickly as I could without appearing frantic.

“Couldn't have waited until we left the colony?” Burke scoffed as he hastened to pass us. “It's a disgusting habit.”

“Now that I know how much it bothers you, I'll change absolutely nothing about my habit.” I sighed from within my billow of smoke.

When I looked back to my side, Vellum was gone. Up ahead with Shelby and Burke. Next to my brother. None of them looked back to wait for me as the Facets above hauled the crank, lifting the Gate. Releasing us into the wilds.

Ahead of us, the path continued into the dense forest that forebode us. The darkness beneath the trees warned us not to enter. But despite what lay beyond the trees, I felt a sense of curiosity. Trees were scarce in the colony, but here they were plentiful. They were tall and ancient. They weathered all seasons, their needles never turning brown or falling from the branches. Though the leaved ones turned barren in the winter, they always came back in the spring. Green and full of life. But now, in the autumn, their leaves peppered the ground and their stalks stood barren between the pines. The air was still warm, giving us the last bits of summer.

When I rode towards them, I heard the Gate close behind us. In my eagerness to touch the cool earth beneath those trees, I didn't notice what was beneath us. I smelled blood before I saw it. The metallic scent of it brought me back to my last battle. I took another drag from my pipe to calm my nerves.

Carved into the earth below us were gouges which were doused plentifully with blood. This was where they died. They almost made it inside.

“Are you okay, Vellum?” Grisham rode alongside him as he pressed a hand against his forehead. His face grew strained as if fighting through immense pressure.

Vellum nodded and we pushed ahead. I got close enough to extend my pipe to Vellum. He looked to me, his eyes growing distant and hazy.

“It helps.” I said.

“I don't want to be numb, Rue.”

“I'm not numb.” I retracted my hand, “I feel plenty of things. I still feel sad, I feel pain. Indigo just takes the pressure off.”

“I want to feel the pain. That way I know it was real. My memories are unreliable, my mind is untrustworthy. But my pain, my sadness, my fear -they keep me tethered to reality. Without them, I'd slip away into the chaos of my consciousness.”

I thought of the afflicted. All of them detached from the world around them. Ghosts of who they once were. So numb that they couldn't feel the very things that made them human. That disconnect had turned them into something else.

It was turning me into something else.

“I don't want to be alone with my mind.” I spoke in a hushed voice. Unsure if Vellum could even hear me, until he turned towards me, “The chaos inside of me will swallow me. I've felt it before. It's an open ocean and if I float there too long, I start to lose myself. There is nothing for me to grab onto. It's just my body in endless space. The force of that emptiness presses in on me until I can't breathe. And I hate it. I'd rather die than feel my body come apart from the inside.”

I felt the prickle of tears at the corners of my eyes. Immediately wishing I could push the words back into my mouth. It was too late for that, though. I blinked hard to clear my eyes and looked up at Vellum. He parted his lips to speak but the words died in his throat and he turned away.

“I'm sorry, Rue.” He said before snapping the reins and leaving me behind.

“Don't be.” I muttered before inhaling fresh smoke shakily into my weary lungs. My hand was trembling as I pressed the pipe to my lips.