Nostalgia on Tap

With my two feet and this watch

I could set my eyes

Upon cities that burn

Disciples that follow

Historic men and women die

Feats of bravery born

Hell, I could meet Jesus, or Gandhi

I know better than to meddle

I could just watch

Be a voyeur of enormous moments

Taking them in with immense pleasure

And with equal horror

But I don’t.

Because those aren’t my moments

I was never meant to see them

I’m not interested in the future

I want to see my moments again

So I go back

I go back to a Christmas

When our family was still a family

When no one was fighting

When we played Mario on the couch

Surrounded by presents, filled with chocolate

It wasn’t perfect, but it was peaceful

I turn forward to college, my freshmen year

When I was fearless, when I had confidence

I go back to watch that girl

To look at her face and wonder

Where did her fire go to?

And when did it get snuffed out?

I move onto my love

I watch us relaxing, little cares and bills paid

When we still had things to talk about

When our lives weren’t consumed by work

I see our closeness, and I know it’s still there

Buried under the detritus of the unimportant things

And then we are married

I witness our vows, proud that we still have them

I watch the joy on our faces

Everything lay before us, a road untraveled

I ache for the happiness that pours around us

I want to soak it up and keep it for future self

I tiptoe into our hospital room

I marvel alongside us as we soak in our daughter

And I pause the stopwatch

I want to spend the rest of my life here

In this peaceful haven of restfulness and love

And I don’t want to leave.

I don’t want to watch her grow older

She is so independent. So adventurous.

I miss when she needed me.

I ache for that newness.

They said I would miss it.

I didn’t listen.

If I could just go back for a moment

If I could get back just one more hour of newborn

Just one more day of infant snuggles

Of soft baby hair, and gummy smiles

Of that sweet, heavenly newborn smell

I would be content

But there are new days coming

New beginnings and new firsts for all of us

I close the watch and leave it behind

Someone else may need it soon

I can’t worry about the future

Or dwell on the past. I’m needed here.

Right now.