Dislocated Self

I’m fine

The days are identical

My habits tedious

My brain an ongoing battle of wills

The two voices in my head

In constant conversation

One irrational

One semi-logical

But I’m fine

I can handle this

Days go by

Weeks. Sometimes months

My steady trek uninterrupted

I’m not happy

But I’m fine

I hear the opening notes

Hands grip the steering wheel

The words wash over me

The melody remembered

My body braces itself for the impact

Prepares itself for the onslaught

I am frozen

Paralyzed

Couldn’t change the station if I wanted

The song that floods my brain with you

My vehicle controlled by autopilot

The movie reel plays

Your face throughout my life

Forced through my mind

We grow older together

The abuse continues

I watch the moments again and again

Listening, lying,

Comforting, touching,

Pleading, begging,

Arguing, laughing,

Assaulting, stalking,

Possessing, never satisfied

A flurry of faces.

A million and one moments within minutes.

My body ignores my commands

I want the song to end

If it ends, so will these moments

I don’t want to see you ever again

But you follow me like a ghost

Haunting my every move

You are so tangled into my life

I can’t escape the edge of your shadow

I hear screaming

It gets louder until I can’t hear the song

My ears are filled with frustrated roaring

I recognize the voice as my own

But there is no sound over the song

The car is silent save for guitar and voices

My shriek rattles the insides of my skull

Fists banging against the wall

I feel an ache in my belly

That if I were to let my rage out

Let it fly from my mouth in a torrent

That this pain would ease. Memories cease.

But I’m still frozen

I’m the only one who hears the rage

I’m the only one desperate to get out

The song fades

Autopilot continues

And I begin to thaw

The ice chips dissolving off of me

Coming back to life in jerks and starts

The screaming quiets

The anger subsides

I am fine