On File

For Anna

There are about a million ways

I could start this.

A million memories on file -

I flip through them trying to find the perfect place to begin,

But everything is messed up.

These files are unorganized, chaotic, messy and spread out

And I can't tell, sometimes, I can't tell which ones fall where in time, can you?

It's hard, to grasp the enormity of it.

These memories are like the universe,

One after another the galaxies fly around me, stars hitting me in the face,

The pages spin down like leaves in Fall.

Beautiful. Dead.

We walked through the doors on the first day of high school, arms linked,

Terrified, excited.

Do you remember that day?

Do you remember that feeling?

That feeling like nothing is in our control

But everything is in our grasp.

Remember homecoming?

How excited we were

Our first 'grown up' event

You did my hair and

We spent the night dancing and

giggling about boys.

That night we looked at the sky,

At the galaxies - we shouted, screamed

At the openness of it all

We were at the top of the world.

The stars were beautiful that night,

We felt just as pretty.

When I moved I learned a number of lessons that only life can teach you like how friends can break your heart just as badly as those giggled over boys,

And how lonely Summer can be

Left alone with the shattered pieces.

You taught me a best friend holds the glue required to piece it back together.

For the last three years we have lived almost three thousand miles apart

And you remain the one person I want to confide in before anyone else.

Do you remember all of the secrets?

All the whispered, over the phone secrets

I told you when my parents thought I was asleep?

Probably not.

You've heard so many stories about

Fights with my parents,

Drama with friends,

Boys.

You see that's not the point here.

It's not the stories that matter.

It's the fact that you listened, you cared,

You were there for it all.

Do you remember that night?

Do you know which one I'm talking about?

I was home alone all night

Making DIY ripped jeans

Pulling the strings out

One after another.

There were so many.

It was midnight when I called you.

You didn't pick up.

I left a voicemail.

I don't remember what I said

but I was trying not to cry.

I looked through the window at the stars,

At all the galaxies and planets,

I was comforted by the fact we were under

The same sky.

I went back to pulling the strings out one by one. There were so many.

Almost as many as the stars in the sky

The memories running through my brain.

The pages in those files.

My phone rang.

I let it ring three times before picking up.

It was you.

I asked you,

I asked you if it would matter if I was gone

Because all I could think about

We're how the stars would still shine,

How words will always be written onto new pages and those pages forever added into new files.

You almost cried, I think,

I barely remember the conversation

But I think you almost cried.

Do you remember?

How you made me call you every day for a week to make sure I wasn't thinking those same thoughts.

I don't know what I would have done without you.

You told me.

You told me that, yes,

The stars would still shine and

Yes words would forever be written down onto new pages which would forever be added into new files but you told me that

You would no longer find them beautiful.

That we would no longer share a sky.

That sky

That we danced and sang under like the

Silly littler girls we were.

You saved my life that night. You did that.

Now I get to grow into a silly old woman with you.

You did that.

And now we're graduating.

You and me.

We aren't walking out those same doors.

We're not arm and arm.

But I know you're by my side.

And I am scared,

Terrified and excited for whatever comes next.

Nothing is in our control.

Everything is in our grasp.

Anna

Thank you for getting me here.