How It Began

I live here with her. She feeds me

Breakfast, lunch and dinner

And my head, I am well fed

Processed foods, canned lies, artificial flavors

Let me know I am loved

She TELLS me I am

I keep roaming, because I am a child

     Like her

I love to roam and find things

I am looking for her now

And I know he is there, somewhere

But I am looking for him too

She’s hidden him from me

Why? He is my face

In the mirror, it’s him!

He’s kind, I like him

I miss him but I’m not allowed

     To know him, is not allowed

She keeps me dizzy, it’s fun

Like a roller coaster

She tells me its fun, she always tells me

But I know there has to be an off

I feel sick with tummy hurts

The candy, the sweet lies

The cotton, that floss in cherry pink

The baby you made me, stay

My ‘blankie’ I need it to sleep

I don't want it anymore 

But she tells me I do

She tells me to smile

I have to

     Smile, because you are on camera

     Smile, you are the BEST

     Smile, for him because you’re here 

     With me, you’re happy

He doesn’t love you

She tells me

But my smarts tell me

He got off the roller coaster

And he got a little lost looking for me

But he is here, in my hands

In my eyes, when I am allowed

To look, I see

But she keeps me warm, too warm

I am hot, like him

She doesn’t know how hot

She just holds the blanket

Tighter, around me is her love

She tells me so many times

This is her love, our love

She tells me, I can’t live without her

But now she’s angry, and I can’t make

Her Happy. I want to but I can’t 

She does not look at me

Now, I am annoying her

I am in the way, she needs to run

Away, she runs but she comes back

And I am her precious again

Relief, I think

But I can’t think

I’m not allowed thinks

I try, but mom tells me, I’m not allowed

Your mom is precious remind them

There is no you without me

Smile! This is to show them son

How happy we are

Show who?

Don’t talk back

Show him?

He doesn’t exist

It’s all for you, she tells me…

All those years ago

I lost it when no was watching

No one knew, there was no ceremony

No one said, “hey lady, stop that!”

She didn’t touch me in a bad way

I have no horror story to tell

Making her look good

Made me a good boy

And so I did it

And so to a narcissist

I lost

Me, a forever baby

Because I listened

I am a good boy

Because I stayed

I cannot be blamed

As long as I stay, it’s not my fault

So I stay, so I can claim nothing

All those years ago

And I am still innocent

But I lost Something, some time ago

And no one knows

It began with her

And they’ll never know

Because she smiles

Smile! Thatta boy

She who is now in her years

And me a man-child

Who doesn’t know how

Together we sit, we snort laugh and fart and make prank calls

And she is happy