Everyday Demons

I thought I wanted to be like you.

Confident, alluring, daring.

You knew what you liked,

And what you didn't.

The only problem?

The things you liked aged you,

In ways unexplainable.

Drinking, smoking, boys.

Especially boys.

I wanted boys to like me, 

Just as they liked you.

So that night,

I did things I regret.

I left my comfort zone,

But worst of all I realized

In order to be like you,

I couldn't be like me.

I had to change for you.

I thought that I was okay with that.

You said I looked pretty,

What you meant was different.

You had different motives,

Wanting me

To want you.

But I had different ideas

Of what we were going to do.

I thought I was being daring.

Not alluring.

I wanted to be adventurous.

You wanted to be pleased.

I read you all wrong.

You read me all right.

You knew what I wanted,

But you got what you wanted.

I wish you would leave me alone,

But you keep coming back.

When I say no,

You change it to a yes.

You say that I'm the only one.

Yet you pretend,

I'm not in the room

When I am right next to you.

I know you see me,

More so than I would like.

But you pretend

That you see

Right through me.

I want you to say something.

Anything.

I crave for your attention,

Your praise.

There we where,

Me and you.

I tried to act calm,

But all I wanted was to be 

Somewhere else.

Anywhere else.

Back in my room.

Back at my house.

On a deserted highway bridge.

I wanted to be alone,

Not with you and your friends.

I wasn't comfortable

I would have payed you

To leave me alone.

Any amount really.

I would've done anything,

I just wanted out.

I still see you,

More often than I would like.

I can't forget past events,

I can't just make everything okay again.

I wish I could,

But that wish is reliant on you.

Will you make the first move?

I already know the answer,

No.

All you will do

Is make it seem as if it's my fault.

I want to set the blame

On someone, 

Something else.

But the only one

Responsible for this mess

Is you.

That night,

You preyed on her.

While looking to me for help.

You thought that

I was the one calling the shots.

What you didn't know 

Was that she couldn't be tamed,

Held down,

I had no control.

She got what she wanted,

You just didn't know yet,

That I wasn't her.

You expected too much out of me,

Even though you knew the truth.

I wasn't comfortable.

I was vulnerable.

You were the only one who noticed.

As much as I try to find

Another to blame

For stealing my innocence, 

All paths lead to you.

The one who knew my secrets,

Who earned my trust.

You stole my innocence,

Coaxing me to be more outgoing.

But really,

I was just turning into a new version of you.

You pretended that we were friends,

But then you stabbed my back.

You built me up,

Just to tear me down.

And the sad part is,

I still see you everyday,

And act like I'm your friend too.