i force myself to write

because i will not

force him to listen.

-

i force myself to run

with shaking legs

and burning lungs.

my vision blurs

with colours

that aren't there.

my legs scream

from under me,

i barely feel them.

my head aches

as if its already

hit the pavement.

everything screams

at me to please stop.

he screams,

and again, i run.

wake up

immediately block my boyfriend.

i know

that he'll understand why. i don't.

id like

for it to rain today, but it doesn't.

id like

for my flowers to die. they don't.

id like

to be stuck in tragic accident.

id like

for my boyfriend to hate me.

i reach

for anything that may be wrong

because

it feels wrong, but i know it's not.

cycles

bore me, but never punch me

and

there's really nothing to do

except

silently watch the noise around,

sitting

in the center of it all.

'thanks for all your help,'

she offers a smile as she grabs her bags,

turns toward the door.

she's clumsy as she opens it,

brow creased, you watch her leave.

she left some coffee beans.

you miss her for a week

then she's back with her sweet smile,

you help her collect her things.

'thank you so much'

in a rush, she grabs her bags and turns.

she's gone, leaves some limes.

the next week she's tired

you hand her the bags, she smiles at you.

she's careful not to leave a thing.

she's back again,

grabs quickly, hands you extra cash.

gives a weak smile, small thanks.

on the next week she visits

you help her take the bags to the car

nothing stays behind.

she's not in the next week.

you really can't help but wonder.

your coworkers whisper.

you notice her absence

less and less as weeks pass,

but often you see her

in a sweet smile,

or polite thanks, in forgotten items

you thank her.

you apologize to her.

A. Their name's A.

Whenever I tell people my favorite book, they struggle to understand why.

My favorite book is Every Day, by David Levithan. A is the main character.

Circumstances lead A to change, lead A to want more for themselves.

It's okay to want change for yourself, it's okay to mess things up. But God, it is so much easier to leave it all behind.