One day you text me at 1:27 am, asking why we haven’t talked in so long. I tell you it’s because when I start to talk to you I start to remember why I loved you. I remember all of the good times and the laughter and just everything being perfect between us - but then I also remember how you hurt me. How you made me cry myself to sleep every night for so long. I remember how you made all of my dreams into nightmares. When I talk to you everything turns into hell. It is torture for the both of us. I don’t want to hurt so we should not talk.

When you first touched me and kissed me, I tried to disregard it but I gave in. Your hands wandered my body, but our love was a game. I was a toy to you but I enjoyed being played with. My skin felt warm up against your body. I was cold then hot, then cold again. I can’t tell what’s going on. But then i removed my lips from yours, look at you and you tell me that you love me. I ended up just smiling and kissing you. I didn’t say i love you because i realized i don’t. Your hands started moving into places hands have never been before. Your hands were painting my body will colors only we could see.

At times I feel as if I am drowning. Drowning in your love, drowning in your problems, drowning in my problems, drowning in stress, drowning in happiness, drowning in sadness, drowning in anger, drowning in literally anything. I try to go above the water to see something beautiful but at soon as I am almost at the top something pulls me back under. I can’t keep on living like this anymore. I want to see the sun every once in awhile. I want to see the sand and the beautiful faces with beautiful smiles of beautiful humans. I want to breath, I don’t want to suffocate anymore. Why won’t you let me breath?

I want to take the pain away but how can I when I still want to be with you.

Our love was never wasted we kept everything perfect

At first -

But then the fights were a constant thing

Maybe I don’t miss you but I miss what we had

You were the boy I loved. It was not a mistake and I don’t regret it

But I regret watching myself break just because of you.

The faucet keeps on running. Faster and faster just like my thoughts. I sit in the tub and try to not think anymore but when I try to not think my mind loses all control and falls back to you. I wander on the memories we shared. The good, the bad, the tragic, the laughs. All of it makes me feel mixed on the inside and out. The tub is overflowing now. You have taken control of me. I am drowning in you.

The dosage of your love was my favorite kind of drug. You made me feel so in love with you that it made me mad. You were phenomenal one day and then tragic the next night. The bruises that were left on my skin were covered with the makeup that I got a few days ago. I couldn’t tell if you were hurting me on purpose or just on accident. You were asking me to do things that I didn’t want to do but you started forcing yourself upon me. I thought if this was love, why does it hurt so much? We started to torture each other. There were no good days anymore. Just one miserable day after the next. I got up, grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and said “this isn’t the love i deserve.” I got my jacket and finally left.

I started to notice when before you left for work you weren’t kissing me goodbye. I started to notice when I saw you looking at other women the way you use to look at me. I started to notice when we had date nights but there was nothing to talk about anymore. I started to notice when you started to take later shifts for work. I started to notice the way you would walk past me and not say a thing or even look at me. I started to notice when after the kids were put to bed all we would ever do is fight as if that’s what we were born to do. I started to notice when you weren’t putting the same amount of effort as I did. I started to notice the way your words and tones of voice were sounding different. I started to notice that you weren’t loving me the way you use to with you even telling me. I guess it was just the little things.