I have a proclivity for falling in love with people who don't love me back

It's a gift, really

This ability to fall so helplessly and fully for someone who is completely unaware of my affections

This is no accident

I've become a professional at pretending like I don't care about something when I really, really give every single fuck about it

It's for my own safety

Body armor in the form of deviating humor and a refusal to accepted reciprocated attention

Maybe it has to do with the fact that no one has ever pursued me romantically

Maybe it has to do with the fact that every single person I've fallen for is a piece of shit

Who knows, really

I only think of these things when I dance with the skeletons in my closet

Kiss them sweetly on their cheeks and promise I'll be back again soon

Because I always come back

I think we all do.

I wonder how different my room would look with you pressed beneath my sheets

If my pillow would remember the gentle rise of your cheek or hold the scent of your shampoo after you're gone

I wonder if you would lay here in the glow of my bedside lamp

Your fingers tracing the dip in my waist

I wonder if you would stay here with me

Even when the rain rattles loudly in the pipes outside my window

If you would miss the smell of my hair when you finally sleep in your own bed

I wonder if you would pick out a pair of my sweatpants and claim them for yourself

Carrying them home with you to wear when you miss the feel of my sheets

I suppose all I want to say is that I wish you were here.

It's like trying to catch your breath after falling down seven flights of stairs.

It's like your heart is on fire and you've forgotten where you put the extinguisher.

It's like slamming your foot on the brake when you thought it was the accelerator.

It's like biting into a grape and hitting the seed.

It's like hitting your funny bone but the tingling never stops.

It's like you want to forget what it feels like but you only feel alive when you have it.

His eyes were as blue as my hands

The night we jumped into the swimming pool behind my house

Late last March

We peeled back the cover

And laced our fingers together

Holding our breaths

And sinking down

I remember thinking we could stay down there forever

A mermaid and a Titan

But we couldn't

And we didn't

Rising to the surface

Shaking and gasping as the icy water tightened our chests

I remember thinking we could stay like that forever

But we couldn't

And we didn't

I remember it all though

I remember you each time I smell chlorine

Or dip into a pool not quite warmed by the sun

I remember loving you

And never really stopping.

You could see the pulse in the onion skin of her wrist

The bright red lipstick print on the edge of her Bible

She touched the delicate gold cross in the dip of her collarbone

The tips of her nails digging into the skin

Her lips tasted like the Sunny D she sipped to down the pills

That kept her hands from shaking

A lifetime lived inside her

A galaxy on the verge of collapse

And yet she smiled

Knowing that for even this short time

She could hold us all in the constellation of her cells

A million bright stars finally clustering

Stopping the blood from flowing

Yet she was happy for us

All of us.