“what is it like to be quarantined

for only a short amount of months”

they ask

yet they did not know that i have

constantly felt quarantined my whole life

i have trapped myself in my thoughts and yearned for freedom

i answer

“it is not so bad truly, perhaps people

find it harder to stay inside because they quiver at the thought of getting to know themselves on a deeper level, maybe hating themselves even more”

⁃ thoughts consume people

I loved you like no other,

so when you say I left because my love for you was nonexsistent,

I can’t help but call you selfish,

because in my eyes

I loved you unconditionally,

while you failed to love me at all

you claim to be messy and when you told me so, you looked at me with confusion.

because normally when you admit to that, people run and never come back.

so when I tell our story, I never leave that little detail out.

Our story is a mess, but somehow you've made messy things; lovable

And for when the times get this tough for you,

when the pain you feel is so unbearable

and you no longer feel as if you're living,

I only wish I could hold you until you fall asleep,

to where the pain that makes you suffer becomes numb,

to when all of your pain has been transfered and added to my pain,

so you won't feel so alone in such a dark space.

Because I would take any amount of pain to make you believe that this life you have is worth living,

to make you believe that one person loves you when you think no one does,

to show you all the people you affect in such a positive way and that you're not worthless like you say.

You're a fighter.

your love looked like roses and smelled like honey, but

your love felt like thorns and smelled of rotten strawberries

i thought you were the key to my happiness, but

i guess you are the key to my sadness

i thought you were my everything, but

it turns out, you arent anything of mine nor ever will be

i sit and wonder if you will talk to me or notice me, but

of course, you are always focused on the much prettier girls,

the girls who have the nicer house, nicer clothes, nicer body, etc.

you've taught me that love sucks and that i do not need it

but in order for me to feel happy, i need someone else to love me, while i can't.

i need someone else to provide the things i can not

as in love, happiness, self-esteem, courage, and much more.

it's sad that i always go to the person who cares least about me when i am feeling blue,

i call out to a person who doesn't notice me when i want them to,

everytime i panic, i find myself wondering off looking for you, but

you will always be interested in other things that are not me

and i have to be at the point where it feels like rock bottom for me to notice that

and if i could just give myself a heads up, i would because being at rock bottom

feels like you are never going to get out.

and at last, you have finally left for good.

you have finally moved on to better people and better things.

i could not get you to stay, i did my best.

fighting for you was hardest of all, because i gave my all just for you

i changed myself in a million ways so you’d loved me for what i am and not for what i was

but still, that wasn’t good enough for you.

you are needy, you needed more of me than i could have offered.

i loved you, but i missed the old you.

where we’d have fun, have our late talks about the world crashing against us, and how no one got us like we understood each other

but after the months of separation, i knew that we would fall deeper apart than fall deeper together.

and so my last breath to you is..

“being your person for a while was good enough for me. but i understand that the world shifts and while it does, so do we. maybe we could find ourselves again and come together. love kay.”

to the people who saved me when i couldn't save myself:

I can't express how thankful i am for you to be there for me when it was so unexpected for me to be drowing in a hole of nothingness. you might not know it, but your really saved me from something i've always been scared to face. i guess you can say you pushed me to the point where i wasn't scared to face it anymore. for the handful of people that left my life but helped me through a time where everything was numb, you are the ones who helped me the most, the ones who told me everytime you fall, do not let it know that you have almost given up, for there would be no reason to try. you were the lighthouse to my ship that would've sank, but you were there every step of the way, your light turned on the moment i almost broke in half, in some way, somehow you knew exactly when to turn on your light. so i thank you. you were blessings in disguise and i'm so sorry i'm just now noticing that when you left my side months ago.

Love, always.

i’ve suddenly became more known to the word distant than i have you

you are fading away and we both feel it

ive lost so much but you’ve always felt like a gain

so if you let this distance get between us

then i have no other option but to ask for space to grieve for my pain

the pain that keeps piling up no matter where i go

in this moment of truth, i begin to tell you id travel all around the world to find you

but instead, i continue to let this distance come between us

instead of saving us, you save yourself

i’m drowning because of you.