Its been ages since i have written anything that i shared with an audience that was greater than my four walls. but im back. i'm back to writing and sharing it with people instead of just endlessly writing letters to no one in cursive instead of listening to the sexist pig that is my civics teacher. 

In my native tongue it means

"Defender of man kind"

And I feel I identity with that seeing as how I have a need to protect others from any bad thoughts they have.

Chosen by my older brother who desperately wanted a sister with that name, I hated it growing up.

Feeling like it wasn't my name but rather something he got to choose for me, as he had done most of the time.

Now I embrace it and even love it for it is an empowering name and I aim to be someone strong.

When I told you I had depression you said please don't be depressed.

I smiled and said okay, because that doesn't even make sense.

When I said I had depression I didn't mean it in the "omg guys I totally feel depressed today because my nail broke" type of way.

I meant it in the "my DNA is a little different and causes my moods to vary and may make me not feel this whole life situation" type of way.

And when you told me that you never want to see me sad, it worried me because sometimes I can't help it and what if you don't like me anymore when the chemicals in my brain are not in line and I can't be happy?

From the age of five when I started school

Uncalled for bullying happens because I couldn't understand the teacher

Children that didn't even know my name laughed at me everyday

Killing the idea of "just being myself"

Years passed before I even thought of talking to anyone else

Once I learned how to speak the right language everything changed

Unafraid of acting myself again I started making new friends

But no that I'm older, they judge me for acting like myself

I act white, they tell me that every fucking day

Telling me what I do wrong and that I need to act a different way

Careful to not be told this anymore. I act different around some people

Hell I can't even get a fucking cup of coffee without someone saying shit

Everyday I feel I have to act different for everyone

So that God forbid I act like the race I'm not, because I fuck up so much, I can't even "act" like the right one.

Every year it feels like I'm changing, as most other humans do.

But something about 15. I feel like this year will be important. I've learned so much last year and I know I am nothing like I was an orbit ago.

And of course I'm still little and I really haven't learned much, but everything from my new found love of folk music to wearing clothes I actually feel comfortable in, I think this year is one I'll always remember.

I can feel it in my soul that it will be hard and I will cry over people I shouldn't but I will learn from it and it will make every smile that much more.

And I can't remember the last time I was this eager to start my new year but I absolutely love this feeling.

Half my lifetime ago, I was playing with my aunts curlers in the living room. She watched her Spanish soap operas which I was never into when everything went black.

I don't remember anything except waking up in a cold room with balloons and bears.

I never asked about it, I thought it was only a dream I had. Until I asked one day.

My heart stopped working and my brain didn't know what to do. My limbs moved rapidly and my eyes went to the furthest point.

Rushed past traffic they cut apart my blue Dora shirt and started my heart with electric shocks.

Diagnosed with some seizure conditioned I was never let out of sight. Years later I haven't had another one and hope I never do.