They say you can’t measure love but if I could somehow measure how much I loved you oceans would empty and your night skies would turn pitch black. They say it’s a needle in a hay stack but to me it was the needle and every straw. It’s every tear and every laugh.

I don’t see your face in the morning light waiting for me by the benches or looking at me through the sunset

i don’t have love, not at all

but i could never get over the amount of love and that if I could put it into numbers infinity would still not be accurate.

I always wondered why my lights were brighter when I had you around but when the night turned as dark as it did I realized nothing in this world comes for free, that the world keeps score and eventually you run out of luck.

They say love has no boundaries, I’ve definitely seen the boundaries, I often push them myself. I would’ve loved to believe you loved me as much as you claimed. But a part of me always knew you were pushing me off slowly, every time you’d whisper you loved me. A part of me knew you always meant to kill everything I was willing to give you.

So tell me, are you still mad to see I can survive the fall?

“The carousel never stops turning. You can’t get off”

I’ve heard it before, a crumpled mess in the corner of my bed. My bed can seem so big at times when I lay in the corner and hear the noise outside my window until the sun goes down. I was the same, a year ago. The carousel never stops turning.

I am not saying I am not a mess. I am saying I’ve been a mess too many times to let it define me. So the gods against me have made me a mess once again. They’ve done it all for love and if love couldn’t be wrong. Why is there a knot on your throat. When you think about what you’ve done? You can’t get off.

I wonder if people think of me that way.

Am I some sad walking reminder of how vicious, ungodly, shitty they’ve been?

Normally an earthly insignificant creature like me doesn’t have the power to but tonight, tonight’s bright and burning. So tonight I am giving them a pass. A one way non refundable ticket straight out of the depths of whatever cave they’re hiding in.

A pass because I am so much more than that, they’ve given me the freedom to be so much more than what they tried to make of me. It doesn’t really change anything, does it? An easy fix for me to sleep better at night. I look down to my shaking hands and there is no blood. In my rainy days it pours but when I find the sun I am blinded, because unlike you, my suns not surrounded by clouds.

I once lost my mind, now I know it is always better to let go. Because we don’t look the same from up There and I know the truth.

He is here and he is bright and beautiful. There is not a drop of blood in my white flag, to know I am much more is enough. The carousel never stops turning.

The carousel won’t stop turning but seasons go by and I let them change me. I am much more than winter. I’ve come up for fresh air once again and it is clean. They say what you do defines you, not what’s been done to you. So I give them a pass, to let go of the pain you caused that wasn’t good enough to take a step back, still crying wolf.

You can get off, you can’t turn around, all you can do is sit and wait until it’s over, so I lay my head at night in peace. Do you?

You need to go now

You need to go before the sun sets

I can’t let this day die

With you in my arms

You need to go

I need to let go now

It’s too cold for you here

This place froze long ago

Earthquakes have never scared me,

I can’t feel my lips

and my grounds will break again

I need you to be out by then

I need to make it on my own this time

Thank you always offering your sweaters, I’m so sorry I can’t do the same this time

I’m pacing through your kitchen

The marble’s cold and your eyes sweet

He said he watches me sleep

“Aware it’s both of us dreaming”

I’m not scared anymore

I’ve been bereft of the light far too long

My eyes have adjusted to the darkness

But I watch you pour coffee and yawn

I could lose you, you could lose me

I could try and mourn

But we have strawberries in the morning

Nothing else matters

I should throw my fist into the air

or play Queen on your TV

Just now that I start believing

He’s back to sleeping on the couch

At 2 am I plan ahead

Hope for the best

As they say,

Expect the worst

We’re right where we used to sit

Leaning on the door, volume down

I’d like to think

It leads somewhere else

That we get a happy ending

But they prove me wrong

They all do

We’ll leave each other once again

He’ll call me in 50 years from a hospital bed

I’ll hold his hand till his last breath

But we won’t get more than that

We’re nothing but death buddies

He’s the only soulmate I need

We talk about our quiet ending

Nothing risked

No kids leaning on the walls we built

Just long drives and kisses on a rainy afternoon

Him & I, perpetually waiting, never-ending

Now and forever

That, that’s better than a dream, we’re awake

We built a home and one day I came back to find he’d burned it

I tried, I found a way for us

I found him through the smoke and the flames

I built anew

A beautiful home with marble countertops and fresh flowers

A piano facing the sea

His favorite musical playing in the background

His 90s cartoons on mute in our bedroom

I poured my blood when it should’ve been his

Because my hands never owned the matches

On a ride back home he stroked my cheek

With those sweet eyes he told me it was gone

That he’d set it on fire again

With tears in my eyes I told him I couldn’t do it again, that it had taken too much of me

These days

He tells me he’s built a home for us again

But that day he passed me the matches

I now live under bridges

I talk to shadows

I look to the stars

I’m back to Monet

Building the courage to burn our bridges

You don’t owe me shit, I did it out of love

You can’t blame me for not seeing a home anymore

The moment your lips touched mine

That cold afternoon you said you loved me

The car ride home you played with my hair

You signed a contract

You sold your soul

I apologize if I’m not heavenly

If I am not your idea of me

But you once wanted me

And I wanted you

I am a cosmic attempt at poetry

You, you will live forever

In my post its on the wall

In my old diary

Do not kiss me, if you expect to die

You can’t expect me to kill you

Because you will live on

You saw the warning signs

Crazy how you once loved something in me that you now hate

I’m going to buy a museum and hang a mirror

So you can finally see

I’m going to leave the curtains open

In case you want to sit in the playground

Watch the lamp post set us on fire

London bridge has fallen

Call it what you want

The Greek tragedy of your choice

I can hear the gods pounding on my door

Violent, manipulative, lovely

Those knocks are not their heartbeats

They ask for my head on a silver platter

Pull my hair and shine a light

Make sure my soul is within

Forget my brain

This is all we ever were

This palace that I built

Doesn’t seem so regal

Now that I have you at the gates

But you burned me before

And you will once more

What I’m trying to say is

I do want it

But I don’t want you

The day we met

It all went silent

The white noise

The darkness

It got ahold of me

It took everything

You said so little

Were you fighting

or were you waiting?

You were nothing

But the terrifying noise

Your absence makes

It cripples me

It’s numbing

As much as I try

I cannot take it

That day you pulled the trigger

I wished for the noise I had before we met

For gravity to cease so the oceans could drain

For nothing, absolutely nothing

I’m sorry that I need you to even out the noise, I tried to learn for myself but it was you and me, forever, no matter the storm. I need a little quiet. I heard a little love is better than none.